Conflicted Confusion.

Song for the night :

Do i care?
Yes and no, i don't know.
Am i trying to hold onto things that can't be mine?
I don't know.
Why do i feel lost?
I don't know.
What do i want?
I don't know.
What do i know?
I don't know, not anymore i don't.
So for now, for what i don't know,
I'll drown myself in salty droplets.
For the first time,
I mind not being able to reach something i can't have.
Questions, questions.
Unsolved, Unanswered, Unasked.
So it shall be
As it is
I don't know.

Mine.

My choice,
I've accepted.
Even if the pain is written on my face,
I've accepted.
But allow me the liberty to keep what's mine and mine alone.
That much i ask of you.

p.s - I'm a stubborn pain in the ass i know.

Fear.

I don't know anything anymore. All i know is i'm afraid and that fear is building up more and more with each suffocated breath i take. It stirs in my guts then climbs up and clenches my throat. My heart hurts but not as it usually does, now with a tremble from all that i don't know. What is it that i fear? Know me well enough and you should know what's truly scaring me. One hint, it explains why i do what i do. That's all i can give out. The answer is obvious but unsuspected.

Theories and theories, never ending.
Not knowing what is meant for what.
Endless possibilities it leaves and creates gaps open for me to falter.
The darkness of uncertainties swallow me mercilessly.
On and on i drift.
I feel lost.
I am lost.

Hesitated Movements.

You on, You wait.
Wait and wait.
It alerts you, you ignore it.
But only for so long.
It's open, you close it.
But only for so long.
It's typed, you delete it.
But only for so long.
One step after another, One step after another.
Alert, Open, Type..........Send?
To the front, To the back.
Open,Close,Open,Close
Back and forth, Back and forth
Type,Delete,Type,Delete
You on, You Wait.
Wait and wait.
But only for so long?
I doubt it.

Gunshot Click.

Humans, gifted with brains, smart but curious thus stuck on stupid.
I know i am.

When you see what you want to see but you know you shouldn't see. It's like putting a bullet through your head and heart. Good news is you don't die, Bad news is you wish you did, well not to that extent but you sorta get a taste of it. The stories we've heard before of the wife or husband checking their partners phones and finding things they never expected. One click. Then comes the heartbreak. One click. The fight. One click. The tears. One click. The confusion. One click. The frustration. One click. The Gunshot. This one is like that but does it count as an invasion of privacy if it's displayed on the pages of the internet for all to see? Even more when the other is not yours? The feeling? it's pretty similar. I know i shouldn't look for it, but i do. As the saying goes curiosity kills the cat. And i am but a feline, slaughtered by words.

One click, to me. One gunshot, for me. One trigger, i pulled.

One click. To ruin your day.

One click. To create a frown.
One click. To mess up your thoughts.
One click. To feel the stab.
One click. To call my own.

One click. To what i want.
One click. To the gunshot.
One click. To the end.

But even so,
i hope one day,
one click will bring no pain.

How i feel now can be described in 2 seconds.

Stay tuned :
Will be back with some BSB on the next post in the apples mind.

A Very Rumbly Hungry Post.

A rumbly short and insignificantly rumbly post lies ahead. =D

What do you do when you have that rumbly feeling in your gut? No, not the nervous rumbly feeling or the guilty rumbly feeling nor the angry rumbly feeling. I'm talking about the rumbly feeling that occurs at least 3 times a day and can be caused by boredom, starvation, lack of concentration, acid juice grinding and melting your intestinal walls, when the sweet irresistible scent of baked bread and roasted meat gets shoved up your nostrils like a fist, boredom, wait i've said that, and a whole lot of senseless rumbly rumblings.

Considering the fact that i'm fasting, what i can do is...

1. Rumbly, open up the fridge, look around and close it back. Rumbly, open it, look around and close it back. Rumbly, open it, look around and close it back. Rumbly, open it, look around and close it back. Soon it just becomes a routine where you don't even look around, you just open and close the damn fridge knowing that you cant eat anything in there. And all the while....rumbly....

2. TRY to study. It takes your mind of the food for a while but then the rumbly comes back... The first time, you ignore it. it gets louder. Second time, you pause from your work for 5 minutes and ignore it again. it gets even louder. Third time, you try playing some online game in hopes you'll be distracted from the growl of the rumble then continue your work. RUMBLY ISH VERY LOUD NOW.RUMBLY ISH ANGRY.....next thing you know, you're back to the fridge opening routine.

3. Sleep. This method almost always works. Rumbly can't seem to get to you when you're knocked out of course it does kinda backfire cause when you wake up you feel like you can chomp down the whole ecosystem. Imagine that.

I think that's just about all i have to combat the evil Rumbles. Yes i am well aware i've made Rumbly sound like a real person or thing. *shrugs* I think i'll name my cat Rumbles in the future. ZOMYGOSHI'MSHOFRIGGINHUNGREH!!!!!!! yeah i can lose my sanity when hungered. Well happy eating ya'll imma be going back to rumbling now =)

A very hungry apple out.

Selfish Wanting.

I want to say it all, but i can't
No words.
I want to hide it all, but i can't
Too much.
I want to face it all, but i can't
It hurts.
I want to still be me, but i can't
It's not fair.
I want to let go, but i can't
Why? I ask.
I want to stop, but i can't
Or is it i won't? I don't know.
I want to not want, but i can't
I'm selfish.


One thing i can want
I want you to be happy.

First When.

Ever wondered when something truly started? Like sure you know that history books have the dates of when a person was born, when did this person kill a bunch of people, when was the idea executed and stuff but ever wonder when exactly did that one thought leading to a series of events manifest in the person's head? I just did.

So yeah as always i got onto Facebook and i'm just doing what i normally do (read through all the posts that's been up since i last checked it). So you know how Facebook now has a system whereby they will show you what you posted on your wall on this exact date last year? This was mine -

"I like waiting and all but some times i think i'm waiting for nuts. Life is just like a game of chess, you can't keep waiting for the opponent to make their advances, some times you have to make your own in order to get what you want." August 19th

And i begun to think, 1 year ago... that's a freaking long time, when did this all start? So being the ultimately bored and curious me...
I STALKED MYSELF~

*1 hour plus of scrolling downwards and clicking on the "older post" button later*

I finally got to the days before i ever made this post and as i was scrolling between the dates of July until August i found, it was pretty impossible to find the exact time of which an idea seeped into our minds and get lodged so deeply in our thoughts. And although i will never know when i had this idea i know that the idea got locked in my head pretty firmly between the dates of 3rd to 19th August. Why and how it happened, well i still don't know, maybe one day i'll make a chapter/continuation for this topic.

Ah memory lane memory lane.... sad how Facebook cant save all these memories of mine forever. Come to think of it...i didn't follow my own advice when it came to the right thing, i didn't act. And now looking at my words from last year i think i should have waited. Sigh... but what's done is done, what comes after...well i guess i'll wait.

Starting off again for the 3rd time =)

Funny i was about to type my title when the words "Women's Rights" popped up below the box and i'm like what the heck??!! Well yeah maybe one day when i do get bored-er than usual i'll give a whole speech on women's rights but not today.
Today i'm gonna just be talking about how i managed to get myself to restart my blog that's been here since 2009!!!!

1st attempt - The year was 2009, was bored. Under the influence of some friends i got me self a blog. Getting myself a blog meaning i set up an account, went WHEEEEE~~~~ then abandoned it like how a mother abandons their new born child just that this child doesn't grow at all and stays there forever. Come to think about it blogs are better than children hahahaha *2 thumbs up*

2nd attempt - The year was 2010, yet again was bored. (readers, you'll eventually figure that i come back to the "i was bored" excuse a whole lot cause well I WAS!) This time a made a bit more progress. I actually set up the design, thought about what to put as my header, yada-yada, and i made my first post. (p.s - something smells like ikan masin) Said something about posting something again ngeh.... well for you all who know me, procrastination kicked in...

Which brings me here (2011/today)
3rd attempt - I'm kick starting the blog again!!! And yes i'm doing this again cause i'm bored =) And of course i'm gonna promise i'll write again and blabberblabberbla. Don't hope that much for it. I plan to make it a weekly effort though, is that good enough? Or maybe i'll post more than once a day like how i wish i could write everything on facebook but the bloody thing has a limit on word count. LIMIT TO WORDS CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?? ARE THEY TRYING TO SILENCE PEOPLE LIKE ME? but anyway yeah i get distracted very easily.

Well i'll end this thingy here. Till i get bored again =)

Over and out, from the very pessimistic hug hater.