I Have A Monster in My House

"Say that one more time"
That line echoes in my ears,
Like sharp claws wrapping around my throat.

"Say that one more time"
Each word falls off your tongue,
Like stale death and poison.

"Say that one more time"
Breath foul of hate and fear,
A putrid soul beneath the cowl of the beast.

You terrorize and instill fear to all including your kin,
You do not see that you create disgust with your hands.
You think so highly of yourself,
But you do not see the little child that resides within.
A "5-year old prick" that's what I called you,
You sought to harm with such a simple taunt,
You are nothing but a coward.

That's why you hide behind your big appearance,
And learn martial arts,
And get involved with crime.
You think it's so cool that you're termed the "bad ass",
But the bitter truth is,
You're so afraid of being intimidated that you've lost sight of what you should be.
You criticise others but you don't see,
you don't see.....

You are a hypocrite,
Pathetic,
Weak,
Fearful,
Despised,
Stupid.
You are all the things you've feared to be.
But you do not see.

"Say that one more time"
I dare not gaze upon this monster before me,
He is not my brother,
But a horrid creature that will not hesitate to remove me of breath.

Mother once said you have love in your heart,
She was wrong.
One who loves should never make the ones they love fear you.
And now,
I fear you.

"5-year old prick"

The Puppeteers Puppet

I am a puppet,

I dance to the song sang by others,

And play out the stories they tell.

I am pulled and manipulated by the puppeteers we call society,

By the people I say I love.

You glee at the sight of me mindlessly following your every instruction,

A sick sense of accomplishment with each string you pull,

Endlessly abusing your control over me,

Making me pirouette deeper in a building sea of hate.

I dance for you,

I move for you,

You give me life.

But I am not without soul, without thought, without heart,

I am alive.

Your craze for control makes sure I am never heard,

You bind me with endless strings,

Demands, wishes, requests, obligations, regret, respect, guilt.

I suffocate under your rule,

Unable to break free or speak up in defence.

You make me feel small and powerless,

When in truth without me you have no show.

So you bind me,

From seeing,

From speaking,

From being me.

Until all I am,

Is a faceless wooden puppet,

Moving along to your every whim,

In silence,

Broken,

And trapped,

For all eternity.

Something I Hate.

I despise helping people who I don't think deserve it.

Not all the time,

Just mainly studies.

I run on a simple concept,

If you won't spend time listening or attending class then it's your own fault for not knowing.

Don't ask me for my notes.

I really hate it.

But I have no choice but to give it,

Cause I don't want to be mean,

Nor do I want to be treated the same way,

Because I sorta do it too.

But I don't photocopy people's notes,

I simply ask what I don't know.

Fucking study it yourself!

I came to class and listened,

I gave my time up,

What did you do?

Fuck this man!

I don't want to share because what I have is all I have to be better.

I hate that I'm like this but I hate freeloaders more.

The anger builds in me until I feel like throwing up.

But I won't say no.

I mean how can I?

P.s - Secretly, what I really hate is the fact that I work so hard yet I still can't perform and for someone who gives half or no effort to freeload off of me and score better is just detestable. I simply resent the thought of it. I really feel like punching someones' lights out.

Why I Am Me.

I don't know why I bother trying to ask for anything I want when I know the answer will always be no. You tell me I matured too fast and am too pessimistic, I don't try at all. Like you wonder why I am the way I am, well look in the mirror. How dare you tell me to try! Liars all of you!

I stopped trying because you always say no, you always have a reason to say no.
I stopped trying because I couldn't see how I was going to maintain what I had.
I stopped trying because you stop me when I try.
I stopped trying when I realised you would never listen.
I stopped trying when you always were right and had your reasons to never give me what I want.
I stopped trying because it hurts me too much when I do.
I stopped trying because I cry after I do.
I stopped trying because I hate myself afterwards,

for being too weak,
for not being able to fight for what I want,
for knowing you don't trust me,
for knowing you think I'm incapable of taking care if myself.

Did I play by your rules?
Yes.
Did I bring my friends home?
Yes.
Do you know my friends?
Yes.
Have you met them?
Yes.
Do you have their numbers?
Yes.
Are they solid old friends?
Yes.
Did I give you an earlier notice?
Yes.
Have I ever smoked, drank or got stoned when I could?
No.
Have I ever committed crimes?
No.
The only thing I don't do right is I don't get good grades.
So what? You want to hold me back forever because I don't score? Fuck this shit! I have so much pent up anger because I can't even get something so small when I'm already doing it your way.
I can't take this anymore!
You always compare me to others,
Well other kids my age have a life,
What do I have?
A bloody house that makes me hate myself and "friends" I keep around temporarily because I don't have the means to stay connected with them.
Congratulations! You've raised the happiest perfect child on earth!

Always having to negotiate why I should get what I want,
Always having to give a reason why it's worth letting me have what I want.
Always testing how much I really want something.
Always blaming my failures on what I do get.
Always making me feel horrible for getting what I have.
Always reminding me I'm horrible at everything I do despite being given everything one could need.

That's why I don't want the love you give me.
If it's at the price of me crying everyday and night I don't want it.
That's why I shut my heart away,
Because I can't stand letting people in when they will leave because I can't be there.
That's why I think the world is filthy,
People are filthy.
You subconsciously taught me that.
To fool myself so that I don't want more,
I won't want more.
Because wanting more only leads to disappointment.

I can't wait to be free of you.
And I hate myself for thinking like this,
But if I am helpless to help myself, then I don't think I can stop wishing the worst onto others.
In the end, I think people are filthy because I am.
And I am what you've made me.

To Have A Heart.

What does it mean to have a heart? Must one care to prove they have a heart? Must something be shown to prove it's existence? Why can't the feeling be simply understood as "Okay, I know what's real and that's enough."? Okay so I don't care about a lot of things, fine. Generally I don't care about anything I won't have contact with, simple as that. Yes, even family.

Truth be told, is it weird that I test people by showing them the horrible side of me? I mean if you know me well enough, you'd know who I really am, isn't that enough? Why do I need people who don't want to see past my faults to be friends with me? And that applies to family, do I really need to show my appreciation and gratitude to them to let them know I love them? Isn't it already understood? Because if you don't understand that, it means you don't know me at all.

Tonight I'm disappointed to know you guys are just like the rest of those strangers I call acquaintances. Each day I say "I love you" I mean it. But if you don't believe that then it's ok, it just goes to show I can't trust you guys either.

So now I have to do a "good deed" everyday for 3 fucking months because fuck ya'll for not being the understanding people I thought you were. I'm not even gonna do it, I mean, come on! Not kicking a dog is a good deed! No I don't kick dogs, just an example. So punish me to do good deeds for the rest of my life, it won't solve anything, it's just a waste of my time and it'll further blur the meaning of why I do things for people I care for because now, it's an obligation, a duty, another reason to get you guys off my back. So congratulations on making me a worse person than I am. Even the good things I do now wont be from the heart. Talk about being ironic.

You asked if I would forget you one day if I leave, I probably won't but I won't care enough to show you the love because it should be understood. I am your child, not your partner who can potentially become unfaithful. The love that binds us is unbreakable but if you don't believe it's there and are paranoid about it disappearing then it will. I'm sorry you don't understand who I am, not can you see what I hold dear in my heart.

And each day of my life becomes more dreaded. Whoopdeedoo!