Sarawak.

Last week of hols and I'm spending it in Sarawak. Being back here is so relaxing and the food..... God the food is marvellous. Sarawak laksa is the best, THE BEST LAKSA in the world! Gonna be having laksa for breakfast again tomorrow, can't wait! I really really need to work out after this, like for real, I've gotten too fat.....

Other than that I've been sleeping way too much as well. Like I sleep 5 hours in the day and I get 10 hours of sleep at night, s it up and that's more than half a day..... Perfect..... I'm officially a sloth.

Anyway, I'm gonna be missing my first day of class and I'm so disappointed because I'll be missing my favourite teachers class and god knows what important information I'll miss out in the tutorial? Gotta remember to mail him about me missing class. I'm so glad I passed my 3rd sem just hope my GPA was good.

Well it's 2.30am and I think I should sleep soon before I end up thinking about things I shouldn't. Goodnight maybe? =)

Angry.

I hate how I still can't control what I want to do. I may seem childish but I want what I want even if I'll regret it, even if I won't get anything out of it. There's no reason why I want the things I want, I just plain feel like it. What part of that can't you fucking understand? Is it wrong for me to blame you for me being so antisocial and not having close friends? Bring them back you say, well fuck you no! You want to get into my life do much that I want you out. And I'm being really horrible and selfish after all you've done for me. I hate myself for rationalising with myself about the things I feel. I want to scream at you at the top of my lungs but that would be too ungrateful of me. I don't know how long can I keep swallowing my desires and feelings. At this rate, even rationalising would turn into a form of denial for me. This yearning I have to be free is truly truly overpowering me.

Free.

Ever had one of those talks that made it harder for you to breathe yet you smile on? And behind that smiling face is someone who knows everything but can't bring themselves to say it all out? Every time i bring that subject up, i feel like crying. When can i ever be free? I don't know, but when i am, i know, i'll lose my mind. No more worrying about others, no more holding back, no more regrets, no more. I want to stand on my own and disappear. Lead a life where no one knows who i am, get a change of look. Do all the crazy things i want to do, but what are the chances of that happening?

To be free,
What does it take?
To live each day without a worry,
Without a fear of wrong judgment.
These chains,
Invisible but present.
Evilly daunting,
Constantly reminding me of the things i've lost because of them.
I hate these chains,
But they are not mine to break.
I don't believe i can break these chains,
I don't believe,
Nothing will help loosen them,
Time...
Time, i can't wait any longer,
So what are you waiting for?
For me to fight?
Maybe.
Tell me,
How do you fight when you don't believe?

Staying & Going.

Like a tree,
I've grown fond of the ground i grow on,
The fluttering of each leaf memorized,
The whispers the wind brings.
Just like the voices & the people,
Traveling past me,
Like a blur flash of colors.
So familiar to me,
How bland.

My roots they're lodged in the ground,
Comfortable but somehow,
Eager to be free.
This plane is dry and cracked,
No promise lies within.
I expected too much out of it.
And i'm tired.
Tired of being an old tree in an ever changing land.

Change.
Inevitable.
Yes, that is what i seek.
New Faces,
New Voices,
New Scenery,
New Memories,
New Surroundings
New Emotions.
I want to be able to not expect.
To not predict.
To be awed beyond what my mind can comprehend.

This place,
So many memories,
Bittersweet,
Now more bitter than sweet,
Draining my life away.
I can't wait to break free,
To detach myself from these roots that lock me to my misery.

Every inch i grow deeper,
Is an effort wasted to hold onto ground that has slipped away,
Is another chance for my soul to wither,
Is another lie piled up on top of ones i already know,
Is my heart exposing itself to harm,
Is a question reoccurring.

I can't wait to utter goodbye.
To start over alone.
Yet,
I want someone to give me a reason to stay,
To not let go,
To not disappear.
But no one will.