Fear to Care.

Everybody needs saving,
I will try,
If I care.

I will give my heart and soul,
But I will get bored,
And I may ignore all words.

When things get truly rough,
I worry though,
Truly I do.

But now I'm afraid,
What if it's lies again?
How do I know it's true?

So I pull away,
And care with doubt.
I don't mean to,
but history taught me otherwise.

Humans will lie,
Just to see me try,
Fixing unbroken souls,
When they laugh at mine.

To trust,
I no longer comprehend the action,
It shouldn't come with a price.

But we are in the end,
Human.

Detached.

Is it too mean to want to severe all ties with people you used to know and or were even considered "close" to? Ever get that feeling where you see some person pop up on your conversation list and you just roll your eyeballs and pray to god they don't talk to you? I hate having those feelings, it just spells asshole all over me. Not saying or denying the fact that I am, just wish that I didn't have to think that way.

Often times I see other people have gatherings and meetings with their old friends from primary, high school, college and I begin to wonder, where the hell are my friends from then? I'm not sure if I'm really trouble by the thought of not having good, old friends or just puzzled by why I do what I do. In all honesty, I'd love to keep friends close but on the other hand I just don't have much faith in humanity in the sense that you never know who you're with, everyone is rotten at the core. What to do? What to do?

Brain jam.

2 Thing On My Mind.

Been cleaning the house up big time, found a lot of old funny things that I will not mention here. Anyway what's on my mind is.... What do I do? An idea can never stop growing and now I'm pretty freaked. I was a fool not to see so here's the price I must pay? I don't know, too many things unknown. Sigh.....

On a side note, found this awesomely depressing line from a book.

"Burned beneath my eyelids is an image of the two of you together. And with that I cannot sleep."

Where do I get such depressing reading material? Anyway.... Did you just reply me? It has been a while hasn't it? I wish you would acknowledge my existence but then I don't as well. I'm still pretty much stuck =)

Edited photo, i don't have them skydiver blue chucks but i want em

Original photo

Liars & Lies.

Lies. What are lies? Are they but something you tell to protect someone? Or just words you utter to save your own ass? Can lies ever be for good? I'm beginning to doubt it. Lies, a twist of words, a fabrication of the unreal, a cowards way of life. Despicable and repulsive. Truth is, I can take lies as long as they don't end up hurting anyone, but let's be realistic, when do lies never hurt someone? So i just smile and take it in, but somewhere deep down in the corner of my mind and heart, i'm so so afraid. I mean, how can i not be? Liars only know how to fabricate stories, and take whatever trust that is given to them and manipulate it.

Maybe i'm suspecting too much, but really, how can i not when so many point at that direction? I can't help but feel scared around people like you. How can i trust someone who seems to have too many unbelievable situations wrapped around them? This is not a bloody TV series, this is reality! And yes these situations may occur in reality but not, i swear on my life, NOT to one person in such a short span of time. And with every story told, someone tells me that's way to funky too be true. And i'm caught in a dilemma of whether i should trust you or do i look at the signs and heed the warnings. Why are you doing this?

I don't know what to think of you, you are excellent, talented and just brilliant, but i don't know you. At least i don't think i do. I know only what you want me to know of you and god knows if any of it is even real. You're driving me insane and this feeling sucks, it feels like my heart is about to sink, it feels like danger. I can't look at you without seeing lies, i can't talk to you without having the letters "L-I-A-R" spelled out in my mind. I have half of my mind set on just grabbing you and screaming at you "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU REALLY?". Do you get your kicks out of seeing people trusting you and just believing what you say? Do you? I grow wary for my own safety when i'm around you, tell me, how can a liar mean well?

If you lie, means you have something to hide. If you have something to hide, means you've done something wrong. If you've done something wrong, how can you be good? At first i thought "Whatever, it may just be a rumor." I refused to believe it at first. Then the comments began to come in from people who have never seen you in their whole life and that's where it hit me. ANYONE CAN LIE. It doesn't matter how long you've known a person or how well you know a person, the person can still lie to you. Because at the end of the day what you know about them is whatever information they fuel you with. Maybe i'm getting tired of listening, i don't know. But these thoughts won't go away and neither will this fear i have towards you.

I can't believe you, hence i can't trust you, but somehow i want to. But it's too late, a thought planted will grow, and sadly i can never trust you like i would anymore. This is a brick wall you chose to build and if it is my fault for not trusting, i'm sorry but i can't undo these words. I can't block these ideas, i can't stop these thoughts.

There are too many things i have on my mind and i can't get them all down. It's eating at me...But in the end all i want to know is "Who are you?"

Rain = FUN!

So lately it's been raining like a hole ripped in the sky lately every 2pm ish. And being the me WHO JUST LOVES THE RAIN! I decided "hey! i think i'll walk in the rain to the Main Campus! This'll be FUN!"

*Time taken to walk there = 5 minutes, Result = WET*

So yeah i went into the office at main campus looking like some poor homeless child looking for shelter hahahahaha the looks i got from the students and the staff were priceless! i ended up making the office floor, which was carpeted SUPER WET and i had to laugh while saying "I'm sorry i'm dripping all over your floor" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. After i did what i had to do the rain was pouring much heavier than when i walked here.... what happened after that i shall show with a few cute cat photos =D

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

The rain was so freaking heavy! BUT I STRODE ON!

And all this while i was enjoying myself =D HOW COULD I NOT?

Then it dawned on me that i was so so so so wet...LIKE THIS CUTE KITTEH!!!!! just the wet, not the cute part.

Interesting drying off process =D

So yeah basically, i had this "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED" face and walked, i repeat WALKED, not run, WALKED back to college with pride and glory and and and....a very very wet bra hahahahahahaha.So.... upon reaching college, i was greeted with a bunch of WOAH! SHE IS FREAKING WET faces, a few AWESOME faces and 1 super not amused Dickson... hahahahaha he is such a mom! And to the drying off process!!!!

The drying off process : 

Step 1 - Take off super wet shirt & pants and attempt to dry off in toilet.
Step 2 - Wear beloved and trusty hoodie instead of wet shirt.... but pants...well... had to wear them back cause like.... yeah.... but it was a pair of shorts and it dried rather quickly.
Step 3 - Shake off all excess rain water from hair like a dog.
Step 4 - Take off water filled poor Converse shoes as well as socks.
Step 5 - Have a very very wonderful friend/Dickson to buy you a hot cup of Maggie so you won't catch a cold. Thank you Dickson =D
Step 6 - Attempt to dry all clothing to prevent mother from killing you.
           - You can use the air cond, the computer fan and the most effective a BIG ASS FAN!
Step 7 - You're pretty much good to go!

Note : You must have an awesome friend to help you with this process to double the fun! XD Thanks a million Dickson!

Thank you rain,
Because of you,
I was distracted.
Because of you,
I was silly.
Because of you,
I could lie a little better.
So rain,
I owe you one.

Dodging Hurts.

Now that i'm down from that weird high, i can post something relatively sane but undoubtedly emo as usual =D
Sometimes we get so caught up in out own dilemmas, our own drama, our own little world that we sorta forget that we're not the only ones who has to go through this crap. And sometimes, it's worse for others, so who are we to whine and complain about the situation we're in? But it'd be totally unfair to say that we must keep it in and pray to god we don't burst in the near future.We can but merely express those feelings through whatever healthy means there is. For me it's blogging and listening to depressing music and occasionally filling some close buddy's ears with tractor loads worth of emotional mayhem/CRAP. I sincerely thank all those who've taken time out to even give a dipping shit about my life. You have no idea how much i appreciate it.

But even with all those outlets...somehow i can't seem to totally bring myself to do what i should. I admit i'm very weak in the emotional department and a rather big hypocrite when it comes to many things. But as a human i am flawed. I'm sorry i can't bring myself to be a better person.


Boyce Avenue's cover of Blink182's song I Miss You is simply beautiful. (SCROLL DOWN!) This song has always somehow been at the back of my head for a lil more than a month now as it speaks my mind in a less insane-female manner. Sigh... but it doesn't matter what i think or want now does it? It never has. 

  

Dodging is funny,

You kinda have that WHOOPS! face then dodge.

But after sometime,

Dodging just hurts.

Because,

I'm dodging you.

Where are you? and I'm so sorry

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always  

This sick, strange darkness  

Comes creeping on so haunting every time

And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides 

Like indecision to call you and hear your voice of treason

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?  

Stop this pain tonight...

Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head

I miss you, miss you

Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head  

I miss you, miss you

In Love With Ghosts.

Memories of you still play in my head,
Memories of me with you still surround my thoughts.
I fell in love with that you,
I let myself love that familiar comfort-ability.
But memories & familiarity are but ghosts living in my mind.
I know now,
I'm in love with the untouchable.
I'm in love with ghosts.

It aches just a little nitty ditty but i think i'm ok now. I guess all i needed was to say out and admit what i am and was so afraid about. And that silence. I needed it to think, to see with a little more focus, to see past that barricade that was you.

What can change now that the pieces of the present has been set down? 2 choices of the future presented itself. Stay with eyes wide open or close my eyes and move on. A friend told me that once you make a choice, you stick with it till the end, don't ever look back and ponder the what if's. But i was always the kind of girl who waited for "Fate" to set down the rules. Let "Fate" be the one to pull things apart. That way i'll shoulder no blame, i would be able to say with a clear mind that it was not that i didn't try, but i ran out of time. "Fate" stepped in.

But if it's "Fate" i have to wait for, i think i'll go insane. So i think i've found it in me to loosen my grip on that forever bolted door handle. I'll still wait for "Fate" to come, but before that i have to stop myself from hoping, from trying. And i think i have, even just a nitty bitty. Perhaps i've worked it out in my head that i was in love with how comfortable i was with you, now that that's gone, i was merely in love with the memories of how i felt with you. I was loving a ghost. Memories of what was once but no more.

I guess i can sorta budge from where i stood, in front of that locked door that was a bridge to you. I tried to be a locksmith and kept trying to make that door open, but it was not for me. Funny i'm thinking now why i held on so long. Makes me laugh each time.

I see now, ever more clearly,

"Everything that happens, happens for a reason. I still can't see that reason yet but i'm sure one day when i look back, i'll see it clearly and smile while saying i'm glad that path didn't open up for me."

ZOMG!

I just realized... looking back at my blog, only people who know whats going on in my life would actually know what the freaking hell i was talking about. Worse still, it's all almost about the same things, i posted up my freaking diary right here! Not that i have a diary but you get what i mean. And no i'm not gonna stop being selfish and not talk about what bothers me half of the time TEEHEE BECAUSE I CAN!

But yeah, anyway back to me, not that the topic ever left, i just freaked myself out. Well today i hung out with Dickson as usual and went totally bonkers with him and Emily during our choir practice by changing lyrics into lewd words, changing the tune of the song, pretending to be god.... yes we sorta did hahahaha. Ok so that was a quick summary of the day, but the gist of my post here is Brain Privacy. I can't give up details on what? who? why? where? how? and all but it goes along the lines of reading people like an open book.

Ever wondered what goes on in someone else's head? What if you could know most of the thoughts traveling around you? Cool? I say no! It's utterly freaky! I mean i can't read minds but you know how some stuff should just stay in one person's mind? yeah that sort of creepy. Anyhoo... is there a possibility that if you thought you knew what was in another person's head, you would act differently? Well yeah! you kinda would! My point being.... what if it's not real? Wouldn't that be like getting all your hopes up ready just to tear them down in the next second?
Sigh.... i can't explain it, more of i can't say this out.

To know what lies in the mind of others,
To believe you know what is hidden,
Especially when it involves emotions,
And you think you know it all,
The thought of it is promising,
But what if it's not real?
What then?
I've gotta get a grip.

I'd Rather 2 Smiles Exist With 1 Frown.

I don't need someone that'll protect me that way. Not at the price that it takes. I understand that you care, but this is my mess that i don't want you to meddle in. So what if i'm hurt? It's a choice i made, always has been, always will be. It's a part of life, just a wee roadblock, and yes it disturbs me and stays in my head where ever i go, but it's not someone else's responsibility to help me reduce that pain, it mustn't. I say this not for his sake, nor even for mine, but for hers. Let her have that happiness that i can't have, at least there i can find comfort in my demise. Because no matter how bitter it gets, i know somehow there are 2 smiles and only 1 frown. For that, it's worth the pain. So please... Just let it go and let it be. I can take care of myself.

After all, i can still will myself to smile can't i? =)

February Huh...?

Good news is i'm not tired anymore, apparently changing sleeping angles helped so thanks for the gazzilion-eth time Dickson for that brilliant idea. But somehow i wish i had that drowsy and dead feeling with me, would help me a whole lot in blocking out things that i don't wanna see. Maybe i'll switch it back just for now till after the Talent Show. I'm getting fed up pretty quickly nowadays, i mean i found it awesome that i could stay back more than usual, but now i wish i didn't have to at all.

I'm tired, not physically, but mentally, something in me is telling me that i don't wanna do this anymore, secrets and lies all of them, i can't tell them apart. Everything is fake, everything is made up, nothing is genuine anymore. What gives? And the restrictions GAH! It's gnawing my guts. The urge to find out more and to care but at the same time i don't want to for my own sake. Contradictions make me easily agitated. The only relief i can find are with people who don't know anything, people who aren't related to this all, only there can my mind be set apart from what's bothering me. For that i thank those other people in L.I.V.E. But not all of them, just those with a balanced amount of seriousness in them.

I can't bring myself to blend in with the crazies sometimes, sometimes i feel it's just too much fun. Everything is a joke, and noise! I can't seem to handle it anymore, it's loud and pointless and it's a waste of time. I search for talks now and not meaningless conversations that lead nowhere. Am i being too serious? I don't know, all i know is i'm a lil fed up with all this.

I can't sit or stand there spacing out, no i'm not skilled at hiding what i have inside, it's all just splashed all over my face, i become vacant, distracted, distant, silent, uncaring and other things. Then it becomes too worrying for those around me. I see them, those eyes. Filled with questions and worry. Strange thing is i'd rather you ask me if i'm ok rather than have you people staring at me and wondering inside of you if i am. I mean i'd probably lie but hey! ask will you? Geez... If you're not gonna ask don't keep giving me the "are you ok?' look. It freaking pisses me off! Those stares or looks you give burn holes in me. And somehow...it makes my heart ache, i don't know why.

So, i hide. Literally. Sitting upside down in a chair hurts like hell after you get up but heck it's much better than having to see those worried faces. Better yet, blood flows into my head and the pain in my back increases so much that i can't think. I can only but focus on the physical pain i put myself in. But i can't keep doing this. Need to find other ways to distract myself. Sigh....maybe i'll start a countdown timer to February. Maybe i'll have some sort of relief there.



February huh....?

Chutes & Ladders.

Why does everything seem like it's going back to square one?
Maybe life's just a game of chutes and ladders.
Just well....they're more chutes than ladders in this "game".
Maybe the key to winning's not rolling for ladders.
Maybe all it takes is to start on a whole new game.
But isn't that the same as quitting?
But life's not about winning now is it?
I'll continue to roll the dice.
I just hope i'm not playing a one player game.
I can always finish the game alone,
But what fun is there when you're the only one falling through the chutes?
Play this game we call life with me.
I'll wait for you to finish the game no matter how many times you get chutes.
When you're not alone,
It makes rolling the dice and putting everything to chance just a lil more worthwhile don't you think?
So sit down and roll the dice with me,
I'll try to help you through.
But only if you let me.
Then it'll be you, me and a board of chutes & ladders.

Undesired Mystery.

Why is everything like this now?
All shrouded in undesired mystery.
It was never like this,
Guess there's an age for everything?
Somewhere deep down i felt that disappointed twist in my heart,
"No way" is all that comes to mind,
But it is not impossible after all.
I wish things were written in black & white and on everyone's face,
At least then i can be like "IN YOUR FACE YOU PHONY!!".
So so many things pile up in the "I don't know" corner of my mind,
Won't it ever disappear?
Sigh...

P.s - This is not a heartbreak post =D

Lies & False Accusations.

Lies and false accusations.
Neither can be proved.
Both hold a dose of reality.
Both provide warnings for one another.
False accusations make the lies seem so real,
As does lies make false accusations seem real.
A messed up balance this is,
On a thin thread i pace on.
Both, howl like the wind,
Like wolves crazed with hunger,
Luring me with the mysteriously haunting cries.
Swaying but not flailing,
Both forces push me back and forth.
Lies make me believe in false accusations,
False accusations make me believe in lies.
This wavering balance keeps me on my toes.
What of the truth?
What truth?
There are only lies and false accusations.
Between it i tiptoe on...

Happy yet drifting.

Had an awesome midnight chat, had not had 3 hour long hilarious chats with people in a long time. I missed it truly so thank you Dickson for bringing that back for me. It was much needed.
College was ok...moral students made really nice videos this sem. Laughed my butt off watching those mini movies. Had a mind blasting and freaking interesting talk later in the day, thank you again =). Stayed back for L.I.V.E which made it even more awesome cause it added on to the dose of crazy i need.

I'm starting to think "life" for some reason is doing a strangely good job at cheering me up lately. Why is that?

Driving home from college was such a pain! It was jammed and i reached my house 2o minutes later than i normally would, it wasn't all that bad, i've been in worse jams but STILL!!! and in that 1 hour drive home... my mind drifted, 3 major drift offs to be exact. All of which would have caused me to get into an accident, 1 from the side and 2 from ramming the back of other peoples car. Despite that, i couldn't get my mind to focus properly. It's not like this is the first time it's happened, just not so many times in one drive. Luckily i manage to slip in the "Why bother", "Forget it" or "Don't think about it" thought fast enough for me to snap out of the space out zone and step on the brakes HARD!!!! ah well

What Would I Do Without Them?

So... last night i was in a pretty bad dump again, yeah....hasn't totally worn off BUT!!

Today, started off with a superbly funny superman joke that got me grinning the whole car ride out. You know who you are, Thank you =). Then went out with me besties who instead of comforting me end up laughing, insulting and brutalizing my situation which was much needed. (That's how we love each other kay?).

Helen & Sarah you people have no freaking idea how much you people helped me get through the day. From the dropping of the ketchup bottle and flying spoons (which for the record i still can't wrap my head around) to the evil thoughts of removing kids out of those kiddie rides and stupid hero masks. And although my thoughts were bugging me most of the time, i managed to keep them at bay for a good 5 hours or so with you guys. So thank you you " babi basties" hahahahahaha and hopefully the next time i see you people i can get used to hugging you guys hahahahahaha.

Loads of <3 from me to the both of you who make my days "worse" than they already are =)

Blasting my ears with some good old GC that speak my mind. X)