Time.

It's only been a little more than a month,
It's ONLY been a little more than a month.
How is it that time is both fast and slow?
A blink of an eye,
An endless eternity,
Same amount of time.
Time is defined by the seconds and hours and minutes,
But it fluctuates with perception.
I want more time,
I wish time would pass faster.
We want both,
But time only moves in one direction at the same speed.
It never slows down,
Never speeds up.
Knowing this,
We still continue to wish for what we can't have.
Stubborn, selfish, hopeless,
Such is the endless greed of men.

Walls and Intruders.

We start with simple twigs and pebbles,
Small barricades,
Fragile and loose.
They rarely hold.
But we get better,
As humans always do.

We learn to use bigger and heavier materials,
Bricks, cement, iron,
All to build higher and tougher,
And in doing so,
Forgetting to make an entrance or exit.

We never stop building,
We don't want to risk anyone getting past our fort,
Because sometimes,
Those who enter won't leave,
And you'll have to build a wall behind your wall.

And if those outsiders insist of saying close,
All you can do is push them off your fort,
And pray they won't try again,
Even if you want them to.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I don't think things through before jumping into action.
Sometimes I'm just curious to see what would happen if I did.
Sometimes I start stupid things without meaning for it.
Sometimes I realise there was no point in doing what I did.
Sometimes I do unproductive things even when I already know the outcome.
Sometimes I try to do what I think I should do.
Sometimes I regret it.

Many times, a thing becomes something because people say so.
If most people say so, then it should be true.
But sometimes, not all that people say is true.
Sometimes, I should just stay that way.

Running & Falling

Something I kept in my drafts but forgot to post up so here.

Running and falling,
It's an endless loop with you.
This heart of mine is covered in scars,
But you won't see,
No you won't see.

So I keep running,
Till I break free and disappear from you.
But I always look back,
Would you chase me?
And I'll stumble.
Would you look my way?
And I'll trip.
You never do.

So I keep running,
And when I feel like I've ran far enough,
When I stop to catch my breath,
I hear a whisper,
I turn and eagerly shout my reply,
Something, anything,
to hold onto that chance.

Silence.
Tears sting and I bite back my words,
I know I've fallen again,
The feeling all too surreal.
So I start running,
Away and further,
To a place where your voice can't reach me.

Stupid Reminiscing.

Why do you do this to yourself Jane? It was all good but nooooo you just had to look for that video didn't cha? Stupid bit......

The past reminds us why we are what we are today and it tells us to learn from our mistakes. I don't think I'll ever learn. Because I always seek out that nostalgic feeling that started it all.

P.s - I'll rewind those few seconds as many times as I want, thank you very much!

Never Thought, Never Knew.

I never thought I would tell you,
Never thought I had the guts,
Never thought you would ask,
Never thought you wouldn't judge me,
Never thought it would come to this.

I never knew it was so easy yet so hard,
Never knew it wouldn't be awkward,
Never knew I would admit to everything,
Never knew I would say so much.
Never knew I needed this.

Things we don't think of, things we don't know.
Sometimes, it's not so bad to find out.

P.s - I know I really shouldn't but I wonder if you wonder about what would have been.

Theme song for the night :

The Things I Wonder About.

I do wonder, what is one person's value to another? The answers are endless and sometimes it may not be the one we're hoping for. But that doesn't call on us to severe all ties, we sometimes still choose to linger. Not because we're stubborn, but because it is comfortable.

P.s - Why do you seek me out? Is it simply because I am there or is it because you find comfort in my company?

P.p.s - When you said I was too nice, I wonder if you were referring to why I did what I did.

Raya and Shit.

Well this was long overdue! I thought I posted this up, dang it! Raya this year was superbly insane, well maybe not superbly but insane? Sorta. It's 2.30 am-ish so I'll just cut the whole Raya story short.

1.) Good news is I'm an aunt now, yeah..... baby Aaron was born on Raya eve so that pretty much cut our "staff" availability by 2. Though my grandma had been here for almost 3 weeks and she helped cooked almost all the awesome dishes during the puasa and Raya periods. Gotta love ma grandma!

2.) "Slaved" away for the first 5 days of Raya (not including the days I helped with cookie making and rendang stirring and stuff). The day before Raya (18th of August), me and my second brother slaved away with chores and cooking and chores and chores and chores and more cooking and cleaning up stuff and stuff late as expected. Did I mention that my finals were on the 27th?

3.) Anyway 1st day of Raya I believe was relaxed cause we didn't have many people come to the house. So blah!

4.) 2nd day was a lil crazy but I wasn't there cause.....wait wait I tell story! That was the day my second brother's friends were scheduled to come over so yeah everything was all good and stuff, until my cousins came. And it like BOOOOM! Ok so there weren't that many people just like 5 ish brother's friends, 2 of my sis in-laws family, 1 of my older brother's best friends, my family of 8 (plus grandma and baby) and my 7 well built cousins? Thta's not too much for a medium sized terrace house right? Right? IT'S JUST LIKE 23 PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE!!!!!! So yeah, we ran out of chicken for curry (WHICH I NOW PROUDLY COOK!) so..... I drove my dad to get that and some other stuff, got back and ended up heading out with my cousins to 2 different shopping malls, watched Expandables 2, had "lunch", dinner, dessert AND learned how to play an addictive card game. Got home at 10 and went on with the card game till 12 before the ciao-ed. Super duper awesome day! All that with finals coming up on the 27th, just sayin, course I finished studying 1 subject already so thank god.

5.) 3rd day was as crazy cause it was booked for my mom's possie. Don't remember much other than the oh so wonderful fried chicken my dad makes. And the mess but that was still ok. Really, it was even with like yet again 20+ people flooding the house again.


P.s - I don't remember how many times we talked throughout Raya, was it 3 times? I can't be sure but you sure as hell know how to make me smile and laugh. =)

P.p.s - Have I said this before? Cause even if I have I'll say it again, all of my favorite stories are about you. =)

Finals, Holiday, Work and Stuff.

Finished my finals, which hopefully I did not screw up. And the 2 weeks holiday BEGINS!!!! Not that it makes much of a difference anyway. Been helping my brother with summary and editing jobs which provides relatively good pay, bout 6 hours for RM 65? The time is just a guesstimation cause the pay depends on the pages, quality, etc. Good way of getting information really so I don't mind doing it, course plus point for the pay =D I wonder how much I can make in 2 weeks......hmmm...... we shall see.

P.s - So I'm guessing it's gonna be a week plus plus before anything........ Well, that's what happens when you're not number 1 right?

P.p.s - Will be posting about raya soon =D

Conditioning & Me.

2 things that make my heart skip a beat :
1. The Skype ring tune.
2. The Skype message tune.

A little bit on Conditioning -
Conditioning occurs when you pair a controlled stimulus (CS) with an uncontrolled stimulus (US), hence producing a conditioned response (CR). Get it?

CS + US = CR

The controlled stimulus (CS) was originally what we call a neutral stimulus (NS). Any neutral stimulus (NS) paired together with an uncontrolled stimulus (US) long enough will become a controlled stimulus (CS). Okay? Still with me?

NS + US = UR
NS eventually = CS

My theory is that the Skype sounds started off as an NS, paired together with someone I fancied (US), causing my heart to beat faster (CR). And over the long term I began to associate any Skype sounds with this person I fancied hence causing an increase in heartbeat (CR). I'll break it down for you.

Skype Sound (NS/CS) + Fancied Person (US) = Increase in Heartbeat (CR)

Now I've learned to relate those sounds to the person I fancy subconsciously and my heart skips a bit automatically even if it's not who I expect it to be. TADAA! Apparently I do study properly =D

P.s - Just like that, I hope you'll always call me up and tell me about things. Of course I'll ridicule and mock you most of the time but in the end I just really want you to smile.

P.p.s - Sometimes I wonder, you make me happy and smile no matter what. Do I do that for you sometimes?

That Picture.

You can spend hours staring at that one thing that it starts to burn holes in your heart. Oh good god, I sorta asked for it didn't I? Sigh..... I wonder what's for dinner tonight =b

P.s - I'm too hungry to think straight. XD

Masked.

So...... I went for a make up class..... mmm...hmmmm....right..... so I know how to do make up now? No pics though can't seem to feel nice in make up, too much of a mask on top of a mask. Unnecessary. But heck it's just another skill.

P.s - There were rarely people from there, so..... is it possible?
P.p.s - Remember, you're not special.

Far Away, Beside You

12.30am here,

4.30am there,

4904.28 miles apart,

Faces 1 screen away.

We talk and laugh,

Weird and private.

You're not mine,

But this is sweet as well.

"Cause you know me,

I could not give up on you."

=)

Who?

Stop asking me those questions....

But seriously, never stop. It makes too happy to want otherwise. ; )

Dreaming.

It was a dream,
Sweet and pulse racing,
I knew I was dreaming,
But nothing stopped,
The dream continued unweaving,
Like a beautiful lullaby,
And though dreams are but unrealistic desires,
They become memories,
So vivid,
Down to the very last touch,
And there lies my answer,
As the scenario plays out,
I'll refuse at first,
Try as I may,
But eventually I'll fall,
Seems like I always will.

"Please stay as long as you need, but if you will, please stay forever with me"

Catch my dreams if you can.

This Night.

Close that door dear,

Don't linger in a storm that's already long gone.

Silence this heartbeat,

Start not that beautiful melody for those who won't dance to it.

Now dream,

Forget the prince that found love elsewhere.

This night, 

And the many nights to come,

Till heart meets intertwined other.

The world through a colored telescope

Guilt Solved.

It's true, cutting short hair wasn't entirely an impulsive move. But somehow, I like the look of it so maybe I'm keeping if this way? Depends on how my long hair would turn out. So don't worry, I'm not that kind of person. =)

Guilt?

"It makes me feel guilty when you say that"

And now these words echo in my mind. I don't understand what? What do you mean? And why? I think I'm finding excuses to not find out what you mean. But I think I really should?

Song for the night : The Civil Wars - Poison & Wine

Oh I don't love you, but I always will.

Left.

I hadn't known..... I should have asked, but everything has already happened and somehow, I feel relieved? No more like I don't feel the change. Guess that's good in its own way.

Have a safe trip. I'll talk to you soon? =)

Nutella bun baked with <3

Undecided.

I'm gonna regret not soon anything, I think. Problem is if I do something? What difference would it make?

Then suddenly I remember, what I think is special treatment is just what you do with everyone else. Hate it when the heart clouds the mind. Tik tok tik tok, time is running out.

P.s - I can't imagine someone saying this to me *scroll down*

"You've been waiting all this time?"