Why I Am Me.

I don't know why I bother trying to ask for anything I want when I know the answer will always be no. You tell me I matured too fast and am too pessimistic, I don't try at all. Like you wonder why I am the way I am, well look in the mirror. How dare you tell me to try! Liars all of you!

I stopped trying because you always say no, you always have a reason to say no.
I stopped trying because I couldn't see how I was going to maintain what I had.
I stopped trying because you stop me when I try.
I stopped trying when I realised you would never listen.
I stopped trying when you always were right and had your reasons to never give me what I want.
I stopped trying because it hurts me too much when I do.
I stopped trying because I cry after I do.
I stopped trying because I hate myself afterwards,

for being too weak,
for not being able to fight for what I want,
for knowing you don't trust me,
for knowing you think I'm incapable of taking care if myself.

Did I play by your rules?
Yes.
Did I bring my friends home?
Yes.
Do you know my friends?
Yes.
Have you met them?
Yes.
Do you have their numbers?
Yes.
Are they solid old friends?
Yes.
Did I give you an earlier notice?
Yes.
Have I ever smoked, drank or got stoned when I could?
No.
Have I ever committed crimes?
No.
The only thing I don't do right is I don't get good grades.
So what? You want to hold me back forever because I don't score? Fuck this shit! I have so much pent up anger because I can't even get something so small when I'm already doing it your way.
I can't take this anymore!
You always compare me to others,
Well other kids my age have a life,
What do I have?
A bloody house that makes me hate myself and "friends" I keep around temporarily because I don't have the means to stay connected with them.
Congratulations! You've raised the happiest perfect child on earth!

Always having to negotiate why I should get what I want,
Always having to give a reason why it's worth letting me have what I want.
Always testing how much I really want something.
Always blaming my failures on what I do get.
Always making me feel horrible for getting what I have.
Always reminding me I'm horrible at everything I do despite being given everything one could need.

That's why I don't want the love you give me.
If it's at the price of me crying everyday and night I don't want it.
That's why I shut my heart away,
Because I can't stand letting people in when they will leave because I can't be there.
That's why I think the world is filthy,
People are filthy.
You subconsciously taught me that.
To fool myself so that I don't want more,
I won't want more.
Because wanting more only leads to disappointment.

I can't wait to be free of you.
And I hate myself for thinking like this,
But if I am helpless to help myself, then I don't think I can stop wishing the worst onto others.
In the end, I think people are filthy because I am.
And I am what you've made me.