To Have A Heart.

What does it mean to have a heart? Must one care to prove they have a heart? Must something be shown to prove it's existence? Why can't the feeling be simply understood as "Okay, I know what's real and that's enough."? Okay so I don't care about a lot of things, fine. Generally I don't care about anything I won't have contact with, simple as that. Yes, even family.

Truth be told, is it weird that I test people by showing them the horrible side of me? I mean if you know me well enough, you'd know who I really am, isn't that enough? Why do I need people who don't want to see past my faults to be friends with me? And that applies to family, do I really need to show my appreciation and gratitude to them to let them know I love them? Isn't it already understood? Because if you don't understand that, it means you don't know me at all.

Tonight I'm disappointed to know you guys are just like the rest of those strangers I call acquaintances. Each day I say "I love you" I mean it. But if you don't believe that then it's ok, it just goes to show I can't trust you guys either.

So now I have to do a "good deed" everyday for 3 fucking months because fuck ya'll for not being the understanding people I thought you were. I'm not even gonna do it, I mean, come on! Not kicking a dog is a good deed! No I don't kick dogs, just an example. So punish me to do good deeds for the rest of my life, it won't solve anything, it's just a waste of my time and it'll further blur the meaning of why I do things for people I care for because now, it's an obligation, a duty, another reason to get you guys off my back. So congratulations on making me a worse person than I am. Even the good things I do now wont be from the heart. Talk about being ironic.

You asked if I would forget you one day if I leave, I probably won't but I won't care enough to show you the love because it should be understood. I am your child, not your partner who can potentially become unfaithful. The love that binds us is unbreakable but if you don't believe it's there and are paranoid about it disappearing then it will. I'm sorry you don't understand who I am, not can you see what I hold dear in my heart.

And each day of my life becomes more dreaded. Whoopdeedoo!