There will come a day,
Where I can let go of these notes,
But not yet.
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
44
Had I known,
This is what would become of us,
I wouldn't have started anything.
Had I known,
That friendships could die like this,
I wouldn't have let you in.
I do not regret,
3 years.
But o just don't know how,
I can have those 3 years,
And continue to have more,
Without you.
43
And when my mother asks,
about you,
I say,
What is the truth.
"I don't know".
I say it,
But of course,
With a dismissive smile on my face.
With a tinge,
Of "who knows",
And "I don't care",
"Like fuck would I give a rats ass".
But my mind,
My mind races,
To the last point of you,
I can recall.
A conversation,
A picture,
A life,
That no longer encompasses me.
And my mother,
She knows,
She can tell,
From how I shrugged,
The question off,
And she asks no more.
42
Even if I fled,
You'd not come after me,
"Perhaps it's better this way"
He thinks, I think.
"Maybe this is what they want"
I think, he thinks.
We're still guessing,
Always wrong.
41
My mistake is thinking he cares,
My mistake is thinking he cares,
My mistake is thinking he cares.
40
Not waiting for you to love me back,
Still feels like a mistake.
But I can't stop moving forward,
Even if that leaves a bloody trail,
There is only forward.
38
All I can think of,
Is how you don't really want me there,
But I'm wrong,
You probably don't think of me at all.
37
I continue to claw,
At the inside of the urn,
For any signs of life,
Seeking some remnant,
Of a "once" that used to be
35
"Would you have given him a chance?"
I pause.
"Yes." I say.
And I smile.
As though I've accepted that choice.
I don't say,
"I would give him my world and all."
He came very close,
One who I wouldn't have hesitated to give up everything for.
But instead,
I just say "Yes."
For saying more would leave bare my wounds.
34
How deep are these waters?
I keep sinking,
With no bottom in sight.
Down,
Down,
Down,
It's too late to learn how to swim now.
32
And in the silence,
My thoughts are drawn back to you.
Time stops,
The past rewinds,
And I create futures that will never be.
31
"Jane"
How cold.
Is this what we do?
Make small changes to widen the gap,
Forcing space between you and I,
To hurt.
29
Maybe I'm the only one who thinks of them as friends,
As important people,
Maybe I'm wrong,
And it doesn't matter if I'm there or not,
Nobody seeks me out,
My existence isn't needed.
So nobody will miss me when I'm gone.
That kills me.
28
I wonder if sadness has a scent,
Cause all I do,
Is cry in bed,
And I begin to wonder why these tears continue,
Even when I decide to stop.
27
I want someone to notice,
To know I'm not ok.
I can't say anything,
It's all welling up in my throat,
Tears,
All I have are tears.
26
Do I pretend we're ok?
Should I smile?
Can I talk about this?
Am I hurting you?
Did I say something wrong?
Have I messed up again?
What do I do with all these thoughts and feelings in my head?
But what does it matter?
It's not like we talk anymore.
25
It's the moments,
I so want to call out to you,
That I struggle to suppress the most.
I batter myself,
With thoughts,
Of how you don't actually want me,
That it will never be love,
That I'm only hurting myself,
That I'll be happier without you.
Self abuse is my only escape,
Slowly,
Eternally.
23
Like a child,
I want to hide,
To disappear,
Vanish and never be seen by you again.
But I think it's childish,
So I try to do the adult thing,
Of trying to mend things.
Is this the right thing to do?
Must I "fix" this?
Maybe the right answer is stop seeking you out,
No more mending,
Just let us move away from each other,
To be strangers.
How painful,
And maybe that's what being an adult means.
22
I'm so scared,
That one day,
I'll have to ask,
Are we not friends anymore?
And just keep drifting further apart,
As though we were never close.
17
I think of a year back,
At your place,
A simple caress of my arm,
It lit me on fire,
All these memories,
What are their worth?
What does it mean that I still think of them?
16
Some cracks,
We make without intention,
We make,
While holding on to what we hold dear,
Like skin to shard,
We push the pieces deeper,
Cracking them further,
Burying them into our palms,
Till only blood remains.
15
I sometimes think about the day,
Where you let me hold your hand,
"Anchoring",
What a lil shit,
But that was the only comfort I could give.
And the day you reached out for mine,
Held it,
And kissed it,
So tenderly,
Like you were unsure.
We weren't each other's,
Yet we held hands.
And I wonder,
Was there,
If at all,
A point,
Where you wanted it to last,
Where even just a little,
You had felt,
Like I did?
14
The name that once adorned your lips ceases to appear,
Shrinking my presence down to an air bubble,
It may not be your intention,
But the line has been drawn,
And I can only look from the other side,
Wondering.
There's no going back.
13
Did the Red Sea scream?
I wonder,
As her very being was split down the middle,
A being of magnitude and depth.
What right?
Had a man to demand such miracles?
Despite the cosmic relevance,
Despite all the good that came with,
Did she scream?
And swallow the split whole.
12
Why is it that some people,
Can easily bring me to tears?
Make me want to shout,
Let out all my frustrations,
Demand they look at me,
Never wanting them to leave.
11
There's a tear,
We can't go back,
It rips and rips and rips,
To draw near is to acknowledge the distance.
But I can't stand where I am,
One day I'll make confetti from these shreds,
One day.
10
A wish I wish was a conversation starter,
But I know it won't be.
You wish,
I wish,
It ends.
That's all there is to it.
7
I don't know how to act,
Do I lie?
Do I be casual?
Do I sound chirpy or curt,
What do I want to convey?
I don't want you to care,
But I don't want this friendship to dissipate,
I'm being stubborn,
And selfish,
And childish.
Give me the right words.
6
And sometimes I don't want to be the calmer person,
I wait,
And I fret,
And I prepare to let go,
And I'm fine,
And then you come,
And I'm not fine,
And I can't let go,
And I fret,
And I wait,
To repeat it all again.
I think maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore,
Maybe this is all too much,
For me,
For you,
That this isn't worth all the pent up frustration and anxiety,
Just for you to come and unplug it each time,
I'd be lying if I said you don't hurt me,
I wish I felt nothing for you at all,
But still I hold on to that safe memory,
Of what we were,
Only that feeling remains,
There is no future,
There is no us,
I do not yearn for those any longer,
Of that I am sure.
But you've taken important things from me,
Friends,
The joy of closeness.
You've created for me the thing I fear most,
The abandonment of those I trust,
And I no longer know how to build walls against what is inside.
So I scrape,
And pretend,
And hurt myself,
All so I won't feel.
I want to learn to be a stranger,
To your presence,
Untouched,
Unfeeling,
Unscathed.
5
Maybe if I shut my eyes,
Cover them,
Block out all the noise,
Maybe the silence will claim me,
And the sea would be quiet,
Leading me home.
2
Kinda makes me sad to think that some things naturally float away, like boats untethered on the sea.
There's no good or bad,
It's just sad.
1
A recurring feeling,
The same barrier all those years ago,
The same audience and stage divide,
Some things are not meant to stay,
All threads unwind
And fray
And detach.
This would've killed me,
The slow asphyxiation
The gradual decline.
But I won't let it,
Not again,
I won't let you touch me anymore.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)