I need to find more ways to occupy my mind. Like seriously. I mean i have work and all but i procrastinate plus it's only 1 subject NGAH!!! *I-don't-wanna-do-it face*. The internet makes fair company, but come on, how long can you spend staring at information on the computer without your eyeballs having that sizzling feeling from staring at something electronic for too long? I'm already blind enough so no!
The only salvation i have from my thoughts are BOOKS!! *magical sound in the background* but somehow i'm not too into it, not a book week i guess. Still have "Norwegian Wood" to read but somehow i keep reading comics, which my mom won't let me reload till the holidays. Sigh... i miss those high school days where my bag would be loaded with 20 comic books and every week there'd be new ones...
I must say i should really stop listening to The Script. Awesomely nice music but reminds me of too much. But what are the chances of me removing those songs from my phone? XD Somehow, i'm brought back to where i see things in everything i do and i'm not even dying yet! Urgh! Stupid thoughts! Go away already! There's no point in finding more, neither is there a point in believing. If it's all gonna come up and shoot you in the face like a shotgun then why bother? I'm probably gonna smack my head when i re-read this in the morning whoopdeedoodle~ Sue me i have my down moments. Good night world! I hope i dream of nothing! =D
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Restriction of My Own.
Things don't seem to be the same anymore,
But how can it?
Well, to me it can't.
Or maybe for now.
I don't know how to make it normal.
It all feels really strange,
I've managed to set control over what i do,
Yet there are certain things that i can't help but do.
And no that awful wrench no longer exists,
But something else has taken that feeling's place.
I don't know how to explain it,
Is it guilt? Is it suppressed anger? Is it a side effect from denial?
What is this?
Perhaps it's restriction.
Not set by anyone, but by myself.
Restrictions onto things i feel i no longer have the place to carry out.
Restrictions onto showing what i normally would.
Restrictions onto being a version of me.
Without them, I can't keep a clear conscience.
Yet i puzzle why i feel guilt.
What is it am i trying to prevent?But how can it?
Well, to me it can't.
Or maybe for now.
I don't know how to make it normal.
It all feels really strange,
I've managed to set control over what i do,
Yet there are certain things that i can't help but do.
And no that awful wrench no longer exists,
But something else has taken that feeling's place.
I don't know how to explain it,
Is it guilt? Is it suppressed anger? Is it a side effect from denial?
What is this?
Perhaps it's restriction.
Not set by anyone, but by myself.
Restrictions onto things i feel i no longer have the place to carry out.
Restrictions onto showing what i normally would.
Restrictions onto being a version of me.
Without them, I can't keep a clear conscience.
Yet i puzzle why i feel guilt.
Puzzled i am.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Happy yet drifting.
Had an awesome midnight chat, had not had 3 hour long hilarious chats with people in a long time. I missed it truly so thank you Dickson for bringing that back for me. It was much needed.
College was ok...moral students made really nice videos this sem. Laughed my butt off watching those mini movies. Had a mind blasting and freaking interesting talk later in the day, thank you again =). Stayed back for L.I.V.E which made it even more awesome cause it added on to the dose of crazy i need.
I'm starting to think "life" for some reason is doing a strangely good job at cheering me up lately. Why is that?
Driving home from college was such a pain! It was jammed and i reached my house 2o minutes later than i normally would, it wasn't all that bad, i've been in worse jams but STILL!!! and in that 1 hour drive home... my mind drifted, 3 major drift offs to be exact. All of which would have caused me to get into an accident, 1 from the side and 2 from ramming the back of other peoples car. Despite that, i couldn't get my mind to focus properly. It's not like this is the first time it's happened, just not so many times in one drive. Luckily i manage to slip in the "Why bother", "Forget it" or "Don't think about it" thought fast enough for me to snap out of the space out zone and step on the brakes HARD!!!! ah well
College was ok...moral students made really nice videos this sem. Laughed my butt off watching those mini movies. Had a mind blasting and freaking interesting talk later in the day, thank you again =). Stayed back for L.I.V.E which made it even more awesome cause it added on to the dose of crazy i need.
I'm starting to think "life" for some reason is doing a strangely good job at cheering me up lately. Why is that?
Driving home from college was such a pain! It was jammed and i reached my house 2o minutes later than i normally would, it wasn't all that bad, i've been in worse jams but STILL!!! and in that 1 hour drive home... my mind drifted, 3 major drift offs to be exact. All of which would have caused me to get into an accident, 1 from the side and 2 from ramming the back of other peoples car. Despite that, i couldn't get my mind to focus properly. It's not like this is the first time it's happened, just not so many times in one drive. Luckily i manage to slip in the "Why bother", "Forget it" or "Don't think about it" thought fast enough for me to snap out of the space out zone and step on the brakes HARD!!!! ah well
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Raya (End) - Maybe i'll say it.
The thought turns more and more adamant
What is this i ask?
It's a strange thought this one.
I'm glad it's walked up to the doorstep of my mind.
But somehow it feels like betrayal.
A lie to myself.
But truly is it?
Maybe it's because of the absence.
But if it is then wouldn't that make me fickle?
Perhaps i am.
Or maybe i'm just tired?
Nah, I know myself more than that.
A better idea would be i'm more fickle than tired of this.
But both nonetheless.
Either way doing what i'm doing makes me a liar in a sense.
A selfish liar? Yes maybe i just am.
But if it's a liar i must be.
Then so be it.
Not everything stays the same.
That is what i'll say.
Not as an excuse but because it is true.
Those words creep closer and closer to my lips each day.
Just as the pain fades so will these feelings.
Maybe I'll say it.
It's a strange thought this one.
I'm glad it's walked up to the doorstep of my mind.
But somehow it feels like betrayal.
A lie to myself.
But truly is it?
Maybe it's because of the absence.
But if it is then wouldn't that make me fickle?
Perhaps i am.
Or maybe i'm just tired?
Nah, I know myself more than that.
A better idea would be i'm more fickle than tired of this.
But both nonetheless.
Either way doing what i'm doing makes me a liar in a sense.
A selfish liar? Yes maybe i just am.
But if it's a liar i must be.
Then so be it.
Not everything stays the same.
That is what i'll say.
Not as an excuse but because it is true.
Those words creep closer and closer to my lips each day.
Just as the pain fades so will these feelings.
Maybe I'll say it.
Raya Part 1
General Day post :
So....had a mini raya gathering at my house today. Panicked the first half of the day but it all went down well thank god. Had awkwarded fun just chit chatting with Dickson, Susu & a late but punctual Amanda hahahaha (I don't get people over much hence the awkwardness) I admit i have to do things like these more often, why? well cause it's fun and it's a key to out the door!! So thanks you guys for coming to my house and not destroying anything =D and of course making my day fun =)
To the silent inside post :
Somehow i kinda knew what was to happen, I mean i can't say i saw it coming, i mean who can? But somewhere in the back of my head an instinct was at me already. I can't say it was something i didn't want cause well... i did want it in a certain sense. So i guess life has a funny way of running it's course and i have to keep reminding myself that cause well the way i see it, the situation went down much better that way no matter how much it gnaws at me temporarily. When given the chance to fully assess the situation, i see that, it was for the best after all. Funny funny funny. That's what this is, a thought twisted is all it takes to see things differently. I just hope i can hang onto that way of thinking all the time.
So....had a mini raya gathering at my house today. Panicked the first half of the day but it all went down well thank god. Had awkwarded fun just chit chatting with Dickson, Susu & a late but punctual Amanda hahahaha (I don't get people over much hence the awkwardness) I admit i have to do things like these more often, why? well cause it's fun and it's a key to out the door!! So thanks you guys for coming to my house and not destroying anything =D and of course making my day fun =)
To the silent inside post :
Somehow i kinda knew what was to happen, I mean i can't say i saw it coming, i mean who can? But somewhere in the back of my head an instinct was at me already. I can't say it was something i didn't want cause well... i did want it in a certain sense. So i guess life has a funny way of running it's course and i have to keep reminding myself that cause well the way i see it, the situation went down much better that way no matter how much it gnaws at me temporarily. When given the chance to fully assess the situation, i see that, it was for the best after all. Funny funny funny. That's what this is, a thought twisted is all it takes to see things differently. I just hope i can hang onto that way of thinking all the time.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Somehow.Finally.
It's done. Finally.
Somehow...I can't find the air to breathe but
Somehow...Something in me is relieved.
Somehow...I needed this.
Somehow...I'm happy.
Somehow...I'm typing somehow so much it's losing it's meaning.
Somehow...i'll smile.
But all in all i'm glad it happened.
Cause it makes you happy.
Somehow...I am if you are. =)
Somehow...I can't find the air to breathe but
Somehow...Something in me is relieved.
Somehow...I needed this.
Somehow...I'm happy.
Somehow...I'm typing somehow so much it's losing it's meaning.
Somehow...i'll smile.
But all in all i'm glad it happened.
Cause it makes you happy.
Somehow...I am if you are. =)
What Would I Do Without Them?
So... last night i was in a pretty bad dump again, yeah....hasn't totally worn off BUT!!
Today, started off with a superbly funny superman joke that got me grinning the whole car ride out. You know who you are, Thank you =). Then went out with me besties who instead of comforting me end up laughing, insulting and brutalizing my situation which was much needed. (That's how we love each other kay?).
Helen & Sarah you people have no freaking idea how much you people helped me get through the day. From the dropping of the ketchup bottle and flying spoons (which for the record i still can't wrap my head around) to the evil thoughts of removing kids out of those kiddie rides and stupid hero masks. And although my thoughts were bugging me most of the time, i managed to keep them at bay for a good 5 hours or so with you guys. So thank you you " babi basties" hahahahahaha and hopefully the next time i see you people i can get used to hugging you guys hahahahahaha.
Loads of <3 from me to the both of you who make my days "worse" than they already are =)
Blasting my ears with some good old GC that speak my mind. X)
Today, started off with a superbly funny superman joke that got me grinning the whole car ride out. You know who you are, Thank you =). Then went out with me besties who instead of comforting me end up laughing, insulting and brutalizing my situation which was much needed. (That's how we love each other kay?).
Helen & Sarah you people have no freaking idea how much you people helped me get through the day. From the dropping of the ketchup bottle and flying spoons (which for the record i still can't wrap my head around) to the evil thoughts of removing kids out of those kiddie rides and stupid hero masks. And although my thoughts were bugging me most of the time, i managed to keep them at bay for a good 5 hours or so with you guys. So thank you you " babi basties" hahahahahaha and hopefully the next time i see you people i can get used to hugging you guys hahahahahaha.
Loads of <3 from me to the both of you who make my days "worse" than they already are =)
Blasting my ears with some good old GC that speak my mind. X)
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