Up & Down.

Woke up and went DAFUQ was I thinking?! *smacks head* I have too many moments like this, first I say all these depressed ass shizz then I realise a few hours later what I said earlier was filled with idiocy!

I won't take back what I say here, cause well just cause.... Maybe just not yet TEEHEE!! I think I'm just really bored, things get worse due the lack of a social interaction. Yup, that's the most sensible reason u can muster. That and I'm insane XD

It's 7am sharp and u wanna go back to sleep, good night! =)

Can I Dream?

Wondering what would be now if I had been a lil different about things. The mini optimist in me says "Things will turn out perfectly, just you wait!", but the dominant pessimist in me keeps bringing me back here saying " I told you so but no.... You had to just go and hope that maybe exceptions exist!".

Hope is a beautiful thing no doubt, but I'm losing hope in hope. They say the first cut's the deepest. Even more when deep inside of you, you had already warned yourself against it. But ah well... Back to being a waiting pessimist. =) Here's another piece of my mind :

Even "friends" have its significance, but I don't feel significant...
Am I your friend?
Or am I just the backup?
I want to be like them,
But history makes awkward.
And I am not them.

I guess...
I'm still trying to be.
I'm looking for that "feeling" in the wrong place,
Always in the wrong places,
Always the wrong decisions,
It's all wrong...

It's 01.18am,
And I'm here,
Wondering.
Waiting for the dreams to take hold,
50/50 chance comes next,
A sweet dream or a nightmare,
And a 126% reality awaits me at the break of dawn.

I still have that one wish,
I don't know if I can make it come true,
But if I really can't fulfil it,
Then at least let my dreams last longer.
Is that possible?

City Lights & Memories

As i fly above the night sky,
My eyes are awarded by the view of the cities lighted with a million light bulbs.
I begin to wonder,
Aren't these city lights just like our memories?
Every light,
Bright or dim,
Represents a memory we hold onto from the day we're born till this very moment.
Remembering every trace of sight, sound, touch,
So beautiful,
So nostalgic.

But what of the lights that are no longer lit?
That have dimmed out though time & remain forgotten?
What of those lights?
What of those memories?
What then?

Who remembers them?
Who will remind us of them?

I fear one day i'll try to look back at the things i've done but will see nothing but darkness,
A blank slate,
As though it had never occurred.
Can you call forgotten history, history?
I'm afraid i'll forget,
As i easily do.

What must i do to keep all these memories alive like those bright city lights?
What must i do not to forget?

Home.

After 12 days,
I am home.

Funny how i remember the unimportant things,
i still listen to my heart too much,
I'm happy at the moment,
But the reality is this.

Those words.

Those words, those words that will never be for me.
I still want them, but it will never reach me.

Timeline of A Broken Heart.

One and a half years ago,
On that fateful July.
I was there,
You were there,
We met.

One month later,
I liked you.
It was my secret,
You were heart broken,
We were friends.

January 2011,
I thought we'd never meet again.
My heart skipped a beat when you walked through the door,
You invited me into your circle of friends,
We became inseparable.

March 2011,
 I made a horrible mistake.
My feelings for you wavered,
You stood by me still,
We were closer than ever.

April 2011,
I decided I never stopped liking you.
No, it wasn't like anymore,
I loved you.
You seemed to like me too,
We were... More than just friends.

And I fell,
Like a fool,
I fell deeper & deeper for you.
I never thought I'd come down from this high.
I was wrong,
Oh so wrong.

To fall in love with no one to catch you,
Will crush you from the inside,
No words can describe the pain.

Prom 2011,
I was so sure your heart was mine.
I was wrong,
You found someone new,
We began to drift apart.

September 2011,
My heart broke for the first time.
I hoped you would choose me,
But you chose her instead,
We,
There was no "we" anymore.

From that day till the 31st of December,
I've cried,
Lost all sense of control,
Made worse choices,
Asked questions that will never be answered.
I struggled,
Struggled to let go of you.

Every song is a memory of you,
Every sight I relate to you,
Every day I think of you,
Still do.
And every night I dream of you,
Still do.
I made you my everything,
When I was, am nothing to you.

It's 2012,
My head wants to move ahead,
My heart is stuck on 2011,
I'm stuck on you,
And you're stuck on her,
As you should be.

Happy New Year, I love you.

And even if you wont ever say this back to me, I don't & won't regret saying this. 

I'll say it again & again. 

I love you, 

I love you,

I love you,

I love you,

I still love you.

Happy New Year. =)

New year?

The fairy tales in my mind will forever be only a dream
A fake memory of what I wished I could do, planned to do or even tried to do.
I guess I haven't stopped dreaming, so I haven't stopped wishing either.

It's a new year, but in my mind, you're still there.
 Something I want to put behind me but my heart won't allow it.
Am I stupid for still holding on?
Yes. I know it, but still still...

It's a new year, Please god send me someone who will sweep me off my feet like the one in my heart did. Someone new, someone who'll wait for me if I made a horrible mistake. Someone like him but will like me back.

But who am I to ask such things? Happy New Year, I still like you. =)

Playing : He Is We - Pour Me Out.