ZOMG!

I just realized... looking back at my blog, only people who know whats going on in my life would actually know what the freaking hell i was talking about. Worse still, it's all almost about the same things, i posted up my freaking diary right here! Not that i have a diary but you get what i mean. And no i'm not gonna stop being selfish and not talk about what bothers me half of the time TEEHEE BECAUSE I CAN!

But yeah, anyway back to me, not that the topic ever left, i just freaked myself out. Well today i hung out with Dickson as usual and went totally bonkers with him and Emily during our choir practice by changing lyrics into lewd words, changing the tune of the song, pretending to be god.... yes we sorta did hahahaha. Ok so that was a quick summary of the day, but the gist of my post here is Brain Privacy. I can't give up details on what? who? why? where? how? and all but it goes along the lines of reading people like an open book.

Ever wondered what goes on in someone else's head? What if you could know most of the thoughts traveling around you? Cool? I say no! It's utterly freaky! I mean i can't read minds but you know how some stuff should just stay in one person's mind? yeah that sort of creepy. Anyhoo... is there a possibility that if you thought you knew what was in another person's head, you would act differently? Well yeah! you kinda would! My point being.... what if it's not real? Wouldn't that be like getting all your hopes up ready just to tear them down in the next second?
Sigh.... i can't explain it, more of i can't say this out.

To know what lies in the mind of others,
To believe you know what is hidden,
Especially when it involves emotions,
And you think you know it all,
The thought of it is promising,
But what if it's not real?
What then?
I've gotta get a grip.

Confused.

You confuse me.
What is it that you want?
You come to me at the weirdest of times,
And you never fail to spark a light in me.
But what good is that spark when it's not enough to light up the surrounding darkness?
Are you trying to mock me by throwing small embers of hope at my face?
Or is it that i hold onto each thought too dearly?

Yeah.... it's probably just insane me.

What means nothing to you is precious to me.
It's not fair,
But then again the worlds not fair.
So i'll suck it up and continue smiling,
Cause what's unfair to me is fair to you,
So you deserve what fairness i can muster.

After all,
This all ends in February will it not?
So i just have to hang on till then.
Ah, there you go again,
Hello =)

Being Comfortable.

This one goes out to Helen & Sarah,
You guys helped me understand some things and helped me come up with this,
Two people who i absolutely can be myself with,
Two people who knows me like an open book,
Two people who i appreciate knowing and glad to call my friends,
You make me comfortable when i'm around you guys,
And i like you guys for that (insults included =) )
Thank you & I love you pigs.

I've read in a book that,

"the feeling of liking someone is when you can't say what you like in the person, but you know that spending time with the person is all you want."

That got me thinking, is being comfortable all that we're looking for? It's a nice feeling to be with people whereby you have nothing to hide from, where you can be your natural self, where you know that person knows you for you and will accept whatever follows. That's how the simple true friendship starts as well i believe. With truth. I'm not a great supporter of the truth, i mean, i don't believe that there's much out there. Everything has 2 sides, nothing is just as it is. But even so, i can't help but let myself foolishly hope that with my honesty at least it would be returned. Maybe i'm asking for too much?

Being comfortable. Yeah, i guess that would explain me most of the time. If i'm comfortable with you, i'll like you. Whether it's just for friendship or more. For me, it works out all the same. But if all it takes for me to like you is to just get me comfortable when i'm around you, that's just way too easy isn't it? Well, my answer to that is, the best things in life should be simple. I'll be honest and say i'm not always comfortable around a lot of people, don't bother asking, i'll deny it. Cause that's my problem not anyone else's. But if i am comfortable, i'll try to keep that for as long as possible, cause for me, being comfortable is something hard to come by.

But something haunts me. What happens when that place that was so comfortable before turns cold? It's a strange feeling, it wrenches in your gut to be there with someone you once knew so well and not know what to do. Worse still are the things that playback in your head. Thoughts on how easy it once was, how smiles were all real, how you could just sink without a care in the world and be you. So many things you wish you could say, but nothing forms a proper sentence anymore. It's not that old conversations can't be relived, but there is an emptiness to it. And awkwardness begins to thicken, and you begin to avoid, you begin to pretend to not care, you look away. Not you, I. And in the end, there will be nothing, nothing but 2 strangers sitting together. With no words uttered, no gazes exchanged, neither presence desired.
Nothing, Empty, Awkward & Pain.

Emotions jeopardize being comfortable. I wish i had none, but that defies any purpose of wanting to be comfortable then. In the end, i believe all solid relationships are built when you have no expectation from the other. Build it upon truths, and no hopes. Is that even possible? I don't know. All i know is i want to forget that comfortable feeling i once had. Then i'll stop trying, stop hoping, stop wanting, stop liking, stop loving. As of now, i'm watching it fade, i don't want to see this.

Tonight, with tears, i pray once more for February.

I'd Rather 2 Smiles Exist With 1 Frown.

I don't need someone that'll protect me that way. Not at the price that it takes. I understand that you care, but this is my mess that i don't want you to meddle in. So what if i'm hurt? It's a choice i made, always has been, always will be. It's a part of life, just a wee roadblock, and yes it disturbs me and stays in my head where ever i go, but it's not someone else's responsibility to help me reduce that pain, it mustn't. I say this not for his sake, nor even for mine, but for hers. Let her have that happiness that i can't have, at least there i can find comfort in my demise. Because no matter how bitter it gets, i know somehow there are 2 smiles and only 1 frown. For that, it's worth the pain. So please... Just let it go and let it be. I can take care of myself.

After all, i can still will myself to smile can't i? =)

YAY PROCRASTINATION!!!

I finally finished work that has been overdue by 2 weeks!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! thank god i pulled myself together to finish it sigh... it was actually a piece of cake. What was i thinking? Anyway it's 5AM here meaning i only have 3 hours left to sleep then it's off for a long day with Talent Show practices till 7.30, though i think it'll end at 8PM. Still have a presentation due this Friday/ 2 days from now that's suppose to decide on my finals....shit i'm not doing enough...haiyo....well good night and good morning world =) Nothing's that impossible =D so smile.

Awaiting February.

February,

I yearn your arrival,

With you comes the end,

With you comes relief.

January,

I await your emptiness,

Bringing forth time to rethink,

Bringing forth space to open new doors.

December,

I welcome your finale,

Forcing the closure of one story,

Forcing the closure of my heart.

November,

I will embrace you with open arms,

Hoping for a shift in winds,

Hoping for something better than what's in my heart.

October,

I dwindle in you,

Finding the truth behind each face,

Finding my way through it all.

September,

I release you,

Just as i must let go,

August,July,June,May,April,March,February,January,December,November,October,September & August once more.

More than One Year,

All for nothing?

Nay,

I mustn't think so,

For too late the clock has written it's testaments.

If so,

I can but only pray,

February,

Steal me away from myself.

February Huh...?

Good news is i'm not tired anymore, apparently changing sleeping angles helped so thanks for the gazzilion-eth time Dickson for that brilliant idea. But somehow i wish i had that drowsy and dead feeling with me, would help me a whole lot in blocking out things that i don't wanna see. Maybe i'll switch it back just for now till after the Talent Show. I'm getting fed up pretty quickly nowadays, i mean i found it awesome that i could stay back more than usual, but now i wish i didn't have to at all.

I'm tired, not physically, but mentally, something in me is telling me that i don't wanna do this anymore, secrets and lies all of them, i can't tell them apart. Everything is fake, everything is made up, nothing is genuine anymore. What gives? And the restrictions GAH! It's gnawing my guts. The urge to find out more and to care but at the same time i don't want to for my own sake. Contradictions make me easily agitated. The only relief i can find are with people who don't know anything, people who aren't related to this all, only there can my mind be set apart from what's bothering me. For that i thank those other people in L.I.V.E. But not all of them, just those with a balanced amount of seriousness in them.

I can't bring myself to blend in with the crazies sometimes, sometimes i feel it's just too much fun. Everything is a joke, and noise! I can't seem to handle it anymore, it's loud and pointless and it's a waste of time. I search for talks now and not meaningless conversations that lead nowhere. Am i being too serious? I don't know, all i know is i'm a lil fed up with all this.

I can't sit or stand there spacing out, no i'm not skilled at hiding what i have inside, it's all just splashed all over my face, i become vacant, distracted, distant, silent, uncaring and other things. Then it becomes too worrying for those around me. I see them, those eyes. Filled with questions and worry. Strange thing is i'd rather you ask me if i'm ok rather than have you people staring at me and wondering inside of you if i am. I mean i'd probably lie but hey! ask will you? Geez... If you're not gonna ask don't keep giving me the "are you ok?' look. It freaking pisses me off! Those stares or looks you give burn holes in me. And somehow...it makes my heart ache, i don't know why.

So, i hide. Literally. Sitting upside down in a chair hurts like hell after you get up but heck it's much better than having to see those worried faces. Better yet, blood flows into my head and the pain in my back increases so much that i can't think. I can only but focus on the physical pain i put myself in. But i can't keep doing this. Need to find other ways to distract myself. Sigh....maybe i'll start a countdown timer to February. Maybe i'll have some sort of relief there.



February huh....?