To Have A Heart.

What does it mean to have a heart? Must one care to prove they have a heart? Must something be shown to prove it's existence? Why can't the feeling be simply understood as "Okay, I know what's real and that's enough."? Okay so I don't care about a lot of things, fine. Generally I don't care about anything I won't have contact with, simple as that. Yes, even family.

Truth be told, is it weird that I test people by showing them the horrible side of me? I mean if you know me well enough, you'd know who I really am, isn't that enough? Why do I need people who don't want to see past my faults to be friends with me? And that applies to family, do I really need to show my appreciation and gratitude to them to let them know I love them? Isn't it already understood? Because if you don't understand that, it means you don't know me at all.

Tonight I'm disappointed to know you guys are just like the rest of those strangers I call acquaintances. Each day I say "I love you" I mean it. But if you don't believe that then it's ok, it just goes to show I can't trust you guys either.

So now I have to do a "good deed" everyday for 3 fucking months because fuck ya'll for not being the understanding people I thought you were. I'm not even gonna do it, I mean, come on! Not kicking a dog is a good deed! No I don't kick dogs, just an example. So punish me to do good deeds for the rest of my life, it won't solve anything, it's just a waste of my time and it'll further blur the meaning of why I do things for people I care for because now, it's an obligation, a duty, another reason to get you guys off my back. So congratulations on making me a worse person than I am. Even the good things I do now wont be from the heart. Talk about being ironic.

You asked if I would forget you one day if I leave, I probably won't but I won't care enough to show you the love because it should be understood. I am your child, not your partner who can potentially become unfaithful. The love that binds us is unbreakable but if you don't believe it's there and are paranoid about it disappearing then it will. I'm sorry you don't understand who I am, not can you see what I hold dear in my heart.

And each day of my life becomes more dreaded. Whoopdeedoo!

We Laugh Till We Cry.

This post is waaaaaay overdue and it's shortened but I just had to put it up anyway. My blog, my rules.

So I got to hang out with one of my oldest besties, Sarah for like the whole day and I think it was just the best way to kick of the new year. We insult and we laugh and we laughed and laughed and insulted some more. All and any topics were thrown around, the past and the present was like a joke to us and it was free and nothing but happy.

So maybe I wanted to learn how to play the guitar at first but there's never enough time with us. We are close in the weirdest ways and that's one of reasons why it's fun.

Gotta have more of this in my life, as of now I have something similar but it's not the same. Can't wait to get home and meet with both of my besties them it'll officially be insane! =)

Oh and we camwhored a lot. Like A LOT! So we just merged it all together =D

Sarawak.

Last week of hols and I'm spending it in Sarawak. Being back here is so relaxing and the food..... God the food is marvellous. Sarawak laksa is the best, THE BEST LAKSA in the world! Gonna be having laksa for breakfast again tomorrow, can't wait! I really really need to work out after this, like for real, I've gotten too fat.....

Other than that I've been sleeping way too much as well. Like I sleep 5 hours in the day and I get 10 hours of sleep at night, s it up and that's more than half a day..... Perfect..... I'm officially a sloth.

Anyway, I'm gonna be missing my first day of class and I'm so disappointed because I'll be missing my favourite teachers class and god knows what important information I'll miss out in the tutorial? Gotta remember to mail him about me missing class. I'm so glad I passed my 3rd sem just hope my GPA was good.

Well it's 2.30am and I think I should sleep soon before I end up thinking about things I shouldn't. Goodnight maybe? =)

Fear to Care.

Everybody needs saving,
I will try,
If I care.

I will give my heart and soul,
But I will get bored,
And I may ignore all words.

When things get truly rough,
I worry though,
Truly I do.

But now I'm afraid,
What if it's lies again?
How do I know it's true?

So I pull away,
And care with doubt.
I don't mean to,
but history taught me otherwise.

Humans will lie,
Just to see me try,
Fixing unbroken souls,
When they laugh at mine.

To trust,
I no longer comprehend the action,
It shouldn't come with a price.

But we are in the end,
Human.

Running & Falling

Something I kept in my drafts but forgot to post up so here.

Running and falling,
It's an endless loop with you.
This heart of mine is covered in scars,
But you won't see,
No you won't see.

So I keep running,
Till I break free and disappear from you.
But I always look back,
Would you chase me?
And I'll stumble.
Would you look my way?
And I'll trip.
You never do.

So I keep running,
And when I feel like I've ran far enough,
When I stop to catch my breath,
I hear a whisper,
I turn and eagerly shout my reply,
Something, anything,
to hold onto that chance.

Silence.
Tears sting and I bite back my words,
I know I've fallen again,
The feeling all too surreal.
So I start running,
Away and further,
To a place where your voice can't reach me.

Angry Ranting Morning

You know what pisses me off the most?
When I've finally pulled my shit together and decide I want to do something's then some fucktard comes along and disrupts my plans.

Not to be pissy and all but fuck! Do you know how hard is it for me to set my mind to doing a task? Motherfucker I never do! Especially when it has something to do with studies and shit.

I'm gonna fucking fail my studies cause I keep procrastinating and when I actually want to do something, something always fucking comes up and ruins my motivation. Fuck it all!

I do not want to fucking do chores cause I have to study fucking statistics mother! But does anyone give a shit? NO!

P.s - Need an outlet for pent up stress and anger. GAAAH!!!!

P.p.s - I may be PMS-ing......

P.p.p.s - Imma fucking go watch Adventure Time after this shit! I need happy.

Study, Study, Study.

Things we wished we did earlier,
Deeds needed to be done,
Work that could have been completed,
Information we could have accumulated.

Am I the only one who wished I could turn back time just so that I would have studied when I had all the time in the world?
Cramping 14 weeks of 6 subjects is definitely insane shit right there. But I never do learn.
Stress..... Need a tub of ice cream to fall from the sky sometime soon. D=