What You Do To Me.

There is a knock on my window,
You've come again my love,
Like many times before,
I am drawn to you,
I know better but I am still a fool.

Acknowledging you is like being shot,
Okay, that's a lie,
I don't know what it's like to be shot,
So I'll say it feels like the impact of a fall.
The moment your body hits the ground and your spirit is knocked out of you,
But that doesn't quiet describe the feeling does it?

I rewind the music box that plays our tale,
Such beauty,
Such happiness,
Such passion.
It was not love,
I hadn't known then.

I let you in as I always do,
And I smile.
Why have you returned my love?
You returned a smile tinged with mischief,
I've come to stab your heart again my dear.

You're halfway in,
I put a hand on your chest,
As if a final test.
Nothing,
You have no heart for me.

Enough,
I stop you from coming any further.
You look at me,
Confused and surprised.
Confused by the fact that I could say no,
Surprised by the fact that I pushed you out of the window.

I see you fall,
And it is a long fall.
I do not see where you land,
But I can hear the thud.
I do not expect you to come back soon,
I hope you don't at all.
Nor forgive me for what I had done,
I'm sorry for not being sorry.

For a moment I am triumphant,
For a moment I can breathe again,
Then I realise,
There is pain.
I now see an arrow,
Wedged in between my chest.
It's hit my heart,
I know it has,
It is mine after all.

I can't pull it out,
I can't push it through,
It's stuck,
Right in my heart.
Looking at it,
I noticed this weapon is different from the ones before.

I begin to laugh and cry,
How cruel of you to remind me in such a way,
For a knife would require you to come close,
An arrow on the other hand,
Can be shot from far away.

Will I never be free of you?

In The Mirror.

The sound of scratching,
The clicking of teeth,
There is something here.

The air is foul, the stink of hate,
There is no ground, an endless pit,
There is nothing here.

The dark is blinding,
The silence too loud,
What creatures reside within?

Out there,
A face looking in, never seeing.
Flawless and innocent,
That is what it wants to see.

Flashing a smile, it disappears,
Carrying it's lies and deceit,
Adding poison to the filth.

No one sees.
No one knows.
No one suspects.

But I do,
I am always there to witness the fall, the change.
I move as you do, talk as you do, look exactly like you.

You know what I am,
You see me in the darkest places,
Always in a place most familiar to you.

I am the creature within,
Do you understand now?

"Man prefers to believe what he prefers to be true" - Francis Bacon.
Art by Johannes Rantapuska

Something I wrote a while back during my seniors' thesis presentation.

Time.

It's only been a little more than a month,
It's ONLY been a little more than a month.
How is it that time is both fast and slow?
A blink of an eye,
An endless eternity,
Same amount of time.
Time is defined by the seconds and hours and minutes,
But it fluctuates with perception.
I want more time,
I wish time would pass faster.
We want both,
But time only moves in one direction at the same speed.
It never slows down,
Never speeds up.
Knowing this,
We still continue to wish for what we can't have.
Stubborn, selfish, hopeless,
Such is the endless greed of men.

Walls and Intruders.

We start with simple twigs and pebbles,
Small barricades,
Fragile and loose.
They rarely hold.
But we get better,
As humans always do.

We learn to use bigger and heavier materials,
Bricks, cement, iron,
All to build higher and tougher,
And in doing so,
Forgetting to make an entrance or exit.

We never stop building,
We don't want to risk anyone getting past our fort,
Because sometimes,
Those who enter won't leave,
And you'll have to build a wall behind your wall.

And if those outsiders insist of saying close,
All you can do is push them off your fort,
And pray they won't try again,
Even if you want them to.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I don't think things through before jumping into action.
Sometimes I'm just curious to see what would happen if I did.
Sometimes I start stupid things without meaning for it.
Sometimes I realise there was no point in doing what I did.
Sometimes I do unproductive things even when I already know the outcome.
Sometimes I try to do what I think I should do.
Sometimes I regret it.

Many times, a thing becomes something because people say so.
If most people say so, then it should be true.
But sometimes, not all that people say is true.
Sometimes, I should just stay that way.

Fly Now Little Robin.

Little robin,
Born a machine of war,
A heart waiting to be found,
Dawned those feathers of green and yellow,
Doing his father proud,
To protect their kingdom of 2.
Youngest to fly,
Strongest of all.

Little robin,
Your dance with the bat has come to an end,
Time to rest those wings,
You're in your fathers arms now,
Know that your mother shed a tear for you.
Youngest to fly,
Last to fall.

Little robin,
Sleep now,
You who were and are loved.
Youngest to fly,
Youngest to die.

Why I Am Me.

I don't know why I bother trying to ask for anything I want when I know the answer will always be no. You tell me I matured too fast and am too pessimistic, I don't try at all. Like you wonder why I am the way I am, well look in the mirror. How dare you tell me to try! Liars all of you!

I stopped trying because you always say no, you always have a reason to say no.
I stopped trying because I couldn't see how I was going to maintain what I had.
I stopped trying because you stop me when I try.
I stopped trying when I realised you would never listen.
I stopped trying when you always were right and had your reasons to never give me what I want.
I stopped trying because it hurts me too much when I do.
I stopped trying because I cry after I do.
I stopped trying because I hate myself afterwards,

for being too weak,
for not being able to fight for what I want,
for knowing you don't trust me,
for knowing you think I'm incapable of taking care if myself.

Did I play by your rules?
Yes.
Did I bring my friends home?
Yes.
Do you know my friends?
Yes.
Have you met them?
Yes.
Do you have their numbers?
Yes.
Are they solid old friends?
Yes.
Did I give you an earlier notice?
Yes.
Have I ever smoked, drank or got stoned when I could?
No.
Have I ever committed crimes?
No.
The only thing I don't do right is I don't get good grades.
So what? You want to hold me back forever because I don't score? Fuck this shit! I have so much pent up anger because I can't even get something so small when I'm already doing it your way.
I can't take this anymore!
You always compare me to others,
Well other kids my age have a life,
What do I have?
A bloody house that makes me hate myself and "friends" I keep around temporarily because I don't have the means to stay connected with them.
Congratulations! You've raised the happiest perfect child on earth!

Always having to negotiate why I should get what I want,
Always having to give a reason why it's worth letting me have what I want.
Always testing how much I really want something.
Always blaming my failures on what I do get.
Always making me feel horrible for getting what I have.
Always reminding me I'm horrible at everything I do despite being given everything one could need.

That's why I don't want the love you give me.
If it's at the price of me crying everyday and night I don't want it.
That's why I shut my heart away,
Because I can't stand letting people in when they will leave because I can't be there.
That's why I think the world is filthy,
People are filthy.
You subconsciously taught me that.
To fool myself so that I don't want more,
I won't want more.
Because wanting more only leads to disappointment.

I can't wait to be free of you.
And I hate myself for thinking like this,
But if I am helpless to help myself, then I don't think I can stop wishing the worst onto others.
In the end, I think people are filthy because I am.
And I am what you've made me.