It Is Hard.

Sarah Lois you were so right, it is hard. You'd probably slap me if you saw what i'm doing but heck you understand what it feels like right? And i couldn't last a week either hahahahaha such weak suckers we are eh? I feel rather disappointed in myself, so much for thinking all i had to do was pretend i couldn't see. Truth is there is no such thing as pretending, there is not such thing as not seeing, everything is just there. It just depends on how we want to take it in. Sigh...here i go being a total brat again....

What Am I Doing?

You'll be one of the few things that can make me wince.
Still are one of the things that can make me sink when i'm about to float. 
I still try to find the signs... 
but who am i kidding? 
I should really make my own sign, 
"  EXIT"
I'm still trying.. still trying.

But tell me,
How do i write that sign?
When in my heart,
All I want to do is ask you if you're alright,
Always..always.
But i won't ask you,
No, never again.
I've given up,
I can't bring myself to try anymore.

Because it doesn't matter,
After all,
You wouldn't do the same.
Would you now?


What am i doing?
I don't understand once more.

Ringing Phone Of Mine.

It's funny how my heart kinda aches each time i hear my phone ring now. Be it an sms or a phone call.

I miss how it all was, where my days were filled with you, every waking moment spent talking to you, hanging out with you, trying to wake you up when it was hopeless, making dirty jokes from everything, exchanging stupid grins from inside jokes, crazy car rides, that fuzzy feeling i got from when you hugged me and mostly the long late night calls that never led anywhere.

I wonder where'd that all go to? Guess it was a waste of my time after all. It was all for nothing in the end. Chasing a lie. Silently i still wish you would care even just a little. But then i tell myself, hey, i'm gonna look for someone who can make me dance to He Is We's - Everything you do. Someone who'll love me too. That thought makes it all alright. =)

He Is We - Everything You Do

When you touch me, it’s like the very first time.
I’m so lucky, to say that you’re mine.
I still get those stupid butterflies,
but it’s just what you do.
I’m loving everything you do.

=)

Special Thanks to Sheryl Lynn Chan for providing me with He Is We music. It's helped lift up my mood a whole lot. =)

Forgetting.

Yay! Everything is so damn red and pink!!!! yes that way sarcastic. I just thought i'd make a change to the blow and hopefully you know... the topics would change to more interesting stuff that you people can relate to...then again...meh! i think i'll keep it all like this MUHA!



I just realized, i wanted to say how many days have i been off my own brand of "crack", but i didn't jot the days down! Such an improvement! Now that i don't keep track i don't miss it so much, i mean sure i have a lot of problems stopping my memories from flowing out no matter where i look but even that's been reduce. Thank god!!!

Everything seems to moving on just fine,
Now it all depends on how i handle the situation when it presents itself.

Let's hope my brain works harder than my heart on this one.

Dare Me To Move.

Yes i know i stole that song title from Switchfoot. =D But anyway i've decided it's time. Well sorta, itty bitty steps is what i'll call it. I can't wipe out memories, but i sure as hell can remove things from sight now and that's exactly what i'm gonna do. Hopefully after my birthday i can breathe.

P.S - I am so stuck on He Is We songs! Awesomely depressing music made light =D It has helped me =)

Forgetting Peter Pan.

Despite what i must do and what i know.
I still wait...
But i guess as always i'll be the first to go.
Soon, with hope,
I won't see you anymore.
I guess,
I want goodbye.

^^^

But Peter,
what do i do if i wanna go away?
What do i do to forget?
Say goodbye?

In Love With Ghosts.

Memories of you still play in my head,
Memories of me with you still surround my thoughts.
I fell in love with that you,
I let myself love that familiar comfort-ability.
But memories & familiarity are but ghosts living in my mind.
I know now,
I'm in love with the untouchable.
I'm in love with ghosts.

It aches just a little nitty ditty but i think i'm ok now. I guess all i needed was to say out and admit what i am and was so afraid about. And that silence. I needed it to think, to see with a little more focus, to see past that barricade that was you.

What can change now that the pieces of the present has been set down? 2 choices of the future presented itself. Stay with eyes wide open or close my eyes and move on. A friend told me that once you make a choice, you stick with it till the end, don't ever look back and ponder the what if's. But i was always the kind of girl who waited for "Fate" to set down the rules. Let "Fate" be the one to pull things apart. That way i'll shoulder no blame, i would be able to say with a clear mind that it was not that i didn't try, but i ran out of time. "Fate" stepped in.

But if it's "Fate" i have to wait for, i think i'll go insane. So i think i've found it in me to loosen my grip on that forever bolted door handle. I'll still wait for "Fate" to come, but before that i have to stop myself from hoping, from trying. And i think i have, even just a nitty bitty. Perhaps i've worked it out in my head that i was in love with how comfortable i was with you, now that that's gone, i was merely in love with the memories of how i felt with you. I was loving a ghost. Memories of what was once but no more.

I guess i can sorta budge from where i stood, in front of that locked door that was a bridge to you. I tried to be a locksmith and kept trying to make that door open, but it was not for me. Funny i'm thinking now why i held on so long. Makes me laugh each time.

I see now, ever more clearly,

"Everything that happens, happens for a reason. I still can't see that reason yet but i'm sure one day when i look back, i'll see it clearly and smile while saying i'm glad that path didn't open up for me."