Fight

In short I am asking you to love me, but if you can't, I won't let myself just stand here and wait anymore because I'd be lying if I said I haven't been for the past 2 years. I want to be happy, I'm simply going to wherever I think I can best find it.

Fight

I'm slowly figuring it out,
And my answer is...
I can't with you,
Not anymore,
Knowing that you reject me heart and soul has made me unconsciously make the same decision to reflect your manner,
Because I still don't know why people touch people they don't love.
Why do people seek to slither into the lives of those they don't care about?
Why make false shelters where you don't intend to stay?
Maybe it's just sex,
But it isn't that way,
Not for me.

I only want something real to touch me,
To have me react,
To draw my breathe out,
And plunge me into darkness.
If it's not real,
I don't want it.
I won't settle for less,
This world may be lonely,
But least I'm not lying to myself.

Fight

I think I need you to be my friend right now, nothing more. Don't touch me where I don't feel anything, don't make my bones grow cold, don't make me feel unseen. This flesh is not my anchor and what is me isn't grounded.

Fight

I'm still looking for something I don't know how to find, nor do I know what it looks like. So I give and I give and I give but nothing takes root and I don't know what to give anymore.

Don't say it's disappointing, I'm trying the best I can. I don't know how to do this, I'm so tired. I don't want to be left waiting all my life.

Tired

You make sense,
But my heart wants someone else.
I want you,
But only in bed.
You're great,
But you're not what I'm looking for.

I want to love,
But I don't know what it means anymore.
Maybe I'm not supposed to be happy.
Maybe I'm an example god makes to show others what alone is.

I'm not heartbroken,
I wasn't hurt,
I wasn't damaged.
I'm just a doll with nothing else inside,
Just a shell.
And God if that's all I am I wish I were dead instead.

Anxiety

Because now every pause is but silence and doubt
And doubt with its fear and uncertainties
Pumping blood till the body is numb
Till we scream
Will you tire of me too?
And this is how I've learned that letting people in also leaves the door open for them to walk out
I'm paralysed
Will you walk away too?

What is 2018 even?

In which my father sensed a stir in the calm waters,
Because some people are meant to live alone,
But also some refuse to change.
Because how long must I wait?
But when will I drop my guard?
I too await the day where watching people fall and struggle pains me,
I too wish to change.
But the world is at it is,
And I will not have it as it is.