So I've been in Japan for 3 days now and it's been awesome, the food is just to die for and the view... Well let's just say its a male with raging hormones greatest dream. So man uberly short pants and skirts and exposed skin in the cold weather, and the shoes good god the shoes are beautiful! Will upload photos once I get back to Malaysia cause I'm blogging from my I pod right now and I'm getting a cramp in my right shoulder cause I'm typing all this under freaking heavy futon. So yeah that's it for now still haven't played with snow though.
On a side note :
I realise that I really mean nothing to you, but its just not a good enough reason for me to let go of these feeling I have for you. What would it take for me to make you nothing to me?
It's Christmas,
It's one step closer to something new,
Will something new be waiting for me?
I hope so.
Out with the old and in with the new is what they say,
But it's not that easy.
Merry Christmas.
Even now my thoughts don't leave you,
I do hope you're happy.
=)
Heart feels heavy to leave, I'll miss christmas and new years eve. Though nothing would probably be done but the thought of being close enough would help me sleep better at night.... I hope. Stop it stop it, my heart and mind all always all over the place now, well mainly they're with you but well.... Oh god I'm insane hahahahaha well any guy reading this blog would know that I'm 135% curayzeh! I'm not proud of it but hey proves I'm still female right? Hahahahaha ah... Please let February come sooner. And let uni start faster so I can be with new people, and hopefully find someone new who'll like me back. I worry so that this feeling I have will never go. Gah! Go away stupid heart! You make me a horrible person!
Late night drives.
Putrajaya roads.
Speeding Kancils.
Loud music.
Insane drivers.
Gutsy change of lanes.
I'm driving,
But my mind takes me back to when i was in "shotgun".
All these,
Memories,
Never fail to make me smile.
But everything is becoming more and more bittersweet.
And like i've said before,
it's still more bitter than sweet.
I still wonder,
What happened to those times?
I guess i'll never know.
I hope i won't ever make the same mistakes again. Whether it was the mistake of doing something different to have you, or changing how much i let myself fall, either way i don't want this to happen again. I need to get a new community of friends and fast. It's the only way i can get my mind off what shouldn't be important.
An echo,
A repetition of a single sound,
Hollow, Empty,
Never a reply.
Who hears me?
Who cares enough to listen?
No one.
To whom am i calling out to?
Anyone?
Someone?
You.
I'm calling your name with all my might,
Making only more echoes.
Will my voice be the only sound heard?
In this tunnel,
In my heart.
Will i never hear you calling back to me?
Then again why would you?
You've never bothered looking at this tunnel.
Always here but never seen.
Tonight,
I am a tunnel in Ireland.
=)
I know now it's not a mask, but that's all there is to it. Brief familiar moments come and go but they never stay. I still believe i'm a fool after all this time. I've reverted back to the stage where "the moment you realize there's nothing to talk about when you're just with that person". Oh and it sucks balls. Is it possible that you can feel like an awful person when you're with someone? But if that is what it is, then i'm just not suppose to be around that person anymore now should i? But i still try i guess? Well at least he does. Gah! Quiet time is always horrible for me, too many things pop up. When really it's nothing. Women!
Will everything be alright? I always ask this question, the answer never varies much. It's never alright but it's never all that bad either. I remember a question you asked me once, if you had been in the same situation as me what would i do? I answered.... well at least i think i said i wouldn't change a thing and still be the same. I guess i lied? I didn't mean to.... just that there are too many things i fear. Is it my fault? Well maybe but that's always been me. Guess i'll know soon enough again. Like someone once told me, don't think so much la! XD What's to come will come right? =)
My heart beats faster than it should,
"Harness my heart and be still now",
That's what the song said.
A mask.
Time to put it on again?
Or shall i go without it?
Would it be alright?
WOKAY! So...... i've been getting increasingly creepy on how much i like a person. Yeah.... I BLAME IT ON THE FEVER!!!!!! XD But yeah for some reason being sick leaves me with too much time alone with my thoughts and that always spells trouble for females. Funny how one second i'm all in love with this guy and another i'm slapping my face going "WHAT CHU THINKING BITCH?" yeah... somewhere along those lines. But really i've been having these bipolar incidents a lot. maybe i'm bipolar? *gasp!* Okay, okay i admit i'm nuts. But really? Think hard and very justly, what woman isn't? =D Ngeh don't matter.
Sometimes i just wanna call him up and say i love you, sometimes i feel like kicking myself in the ass for liking him. End of the day it still falls down on the fact that i like you very very much. Nothing else to it. But he's taken and he's happy. And i'm..... well i'm still in the "moving on" phase. But it's all good. =)
The temperature's rising,
Your nose is stuck,|
A cough forms at each intake of breath.
I'm sick.
Love sick?
Now i'm just pushing it.
=D
I find my thoughts floating back to you, why? Why? WHY? I don't mean to, but you're always there on my mind. Everything i see leads me back to you. It seems as though i still can't let go, I'm sorry. I didn't lie when i said i'm happy if you are, but i just wished that i'd be the one to make you happy, even when i know i can't. I'm too selfish. Too selfish. Maybe i'll wait, but for how long? And wouldn't that mean that i'm just waiting for you to fall? I don't want that. I don't know. I don't know what i'm saying. I always say that women are all crazy, well this is proof that i'm no exception. What i'd give to turn time back and say what i really felt at the start and did what i wanted to instead of holding my foolish pride. But what are the chances? Nothing stops, not now not ever.
I'm head over heels in love with you,
Or at least i think i am.
Maybe i'm just insane?
Insane would be an understatement.
I still wait,
I still hope,
One day,
You'll change your mind.
And that i'll be right here saying i told you so,
Play hard to get,
But still give you all my heart.
Foolish dreams for a foolish girl.
I am foolish.
I am insane.
I am in love.
In love with you.
"To leave". What does it mean "to leave" ? Is it to step foot into a new world? Is it to run away? Or is it a way to create space between all that is yours and yourself? It can be all of this, yet none of it. Reasons, reasons. Are they that important when it comes to leaving? Shouldn't what matter be whether you'll be staying or leaving?
I may be having a small trip. Not too far, but no where close. It's a place i love yet now i dread to go. Why? Why is it that i feel like holding back from having an experience not many will have? Again with the reasons! All i can come down to now is that, i don't want to leave because i'm afraid of what i might miss out here. I understand well that not leaving will be a loss of opportunity as well but i can't help it. The dread i feel in my heart, i haven't lost hope? Yes and no. Some part of me wants to believe things can change in a blink of an eye but another tells me that i just want to have as many memories as i can.
I feel torn. Truth is, if i stay, nothing will change. If i go, i may open my eyes to newer things. But that tiny spark of hope underlying in my heart. Curse it! But when i think about it, it's not like i'm leaving forever am i? It's just...
What lasts forever?
Words?
Strength?
Emotions?
Memories?
Nothing does.
Not to me at least.
Everything has an expiry date that we can't see stamped upon it.
Because it's invisible,
Because i forget it's there,
I have to keep my guards up and expectations low.
Even so,
I get swept off my feet oh so easily
Careful Jane,
Nothing lasts forever.
Occasionally,
It takes another to point out something you don't see.
Occasionally,
It takes another to instill hope back in your eyes.
Occasionally,
It takes another to give you the courage to do something.
But sometimes,
You don't want to see.
Sometimes
You don't want to hope.
Sometimes,
You don't want the courage.
Ultimately it just takes "ME" to make a change.
And "IF" is the challenge.
I'm getting there.
Despite the overflowing "What If's"
I'm getting there.
=)
Life's always about choices,
It's either this or that,
But really are there only 2 choices?
I wonder,
If you try to make a 3rd option,
Would it be worth it?
Or would you just simply get pushed back into the original 2 options?
Is it better?
Well who's to say?
Me?
I'm neither on the 1st path nor the 2nd,
Guess i'm making a 3rd path then.
=)
Blinding lights,
Loud echoing music,
Happy faces,
People dancing,
Each beat makes my soul shake,
Little by little,
I find myself tearing,
And that fake smile returns.
Those memories still come back to haunt me.
The scene,
All too familiar,
Still too vivid.
Still thinking i could have done something to change the past,
Still wondering what i did wrong,
Still regretting,
Still searching for the reason.
Still...
Still...
I tilt my head back,
Forcing my eyes to swallow those tears,
I close my eyes.
But no tears fall,
And i know for sure now,
I'll be alright.
It's freaking 12AM and you have a test in 2 days time, what do you do? YOU WATCH K POP WITH YOUR BROTHER FOR ONE AND A HALF HOURS!!! Cause i'm just awesome like that =D
Till i come back with something more worth reading. Goodnight?
Oh OH on a side note i finally got me mom to give a thumbs up to a dude outfit for a party!!! AWEZOUUMMMEEEE!!!!! yeah! take that white shirt, vest, pants and converse F YEAH!!! only thing i can't get is a spiked up mohawk fish...
The yearnings returned but much controlled
*pats own head* i ish proud of meself. XD
As i've said before, the turn out of events are indeed humorous. It's like a dream or more of a blast from the past but whatever it is, it is and will unmistakeably be the highlight of my day. It doesn't work the same way as it used to but it still trots along the same lines. Thinking about it makes me laugh each time, is this wrong? Well i guess there are times where for just those moments, you push reason and rationality aside and enjoy what's set out in front of you. Let the moment happen and although reality is just around the corner it's better to have enjoyed the moment than to have not had it at all. Let the thinking come later, as it always does. After all i did today just tell someone to not let an opportunity slip by, so why should i? Not opportunities for something more but just for the sake of memories. Tonight the world that i turned gray seemed to have been splashed with the old vibrant colors that make me feel new. And i am happy =)
To be honest i wanted to have this super.awesome.mindblating.heartstopping.viciouslyinsane.otherworldly.jawdropping blog post about your birthday and i wanted to use the blog post to make it up to you for actually..... dare i day it, FORGETTING YOUR BIRTHDAY. I'm really sorry woman but i did. Forgive me? I started the blog with bundles and bundles of enthusiasm, i was like "YEAH! I'm gonna do this shit!" but you know.... i just kinda you know got lazy as usual heh... So i'm just gonna cut to the chase and say
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH LOIS DORAI!!!
Yes if you're wondering at this point, i did intentionally find the worst photo you had on Facebook >=)
Don't you just love me? hahahahaha
I find it ironic that i made such a fuss and merajuk-ed about you forgetting my birthday (which you claim you really you didn't, you just saw the wrong month pfft + yeah i'm never letting that go hahahaha but i knew you actually didn't), and i end up forgetting yours instead! Oh yeah i suck as a friend hands down. So the using the blog plan failed but to make it up to you, you can give me a flying kick if you want and insult the heck outta me when you do see me =D sound ok?
Warning this next part contains love i do have a heart!!!
Strangers we were once, simple people who walked past each other exchanging only but a mere smile, only and only if necessary. Never did it cross our minds, or at least it's safe to say mine that we would ever be friends. Correction - best friends. Spending 5 years together in high school, it's funny to think we hadn't hit it off even in Form 1 maybe it was cause we were in different classes then. Hmm... i'm flipping through all the year books now and we weren't in the same class until form 3 and guess what? According to our 2008 year book we were in 4 BESTARI! hahahahah ah retarded Bukit Jalil....
Anyway so fine, the chances of us really getting to know each other was actually 3 years but that never happened, i still can't wrap my head around the thought of how was it we never really talked until Form 5. But when we did, it felt like we had known each other for as long as we lived and that we grew up together! What are the odds of that happening? Better still our moms know each other? SAY WHAAAAATTT? Freaking small world right? I don't remember how we started talking but i sure as hell never regretted talking to this "pengawas" kononnya hahahahahaha
Oh the insane things we did, me, you, helen and steph. It ranged from the average student... well with a tad bit o' rebelliousness and convict prone personalities
- The screaming, the "annoying the teachers", the wall-table-floor-randomplaces graffiti, the patrolling the school like a baus
To the reenactment and the use of movie quotes accompanied by uncontrolled singing
- Lord of The Rings, Pirates of The Caribbean, OH OH 300!!!! THIS IS SPARTAAAA!!!! It's My Life by Bon Jovi, I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing by Aerosmith.
To the downright maniacally insane suggestion and creations
- the eclipse of the butt, the quadsquinted, Bobbin' Hood, Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your bear, just to name a few.
Insane i say, freaking insane, and of course there were the secrets and the insults and more insults and sarcasm. All this put together really made my high school years and you're one big part to thank for that. So thank you and i love you Sarah for making my life a whole new level of awesome, what would i do without you? Happy Birthday again =)
Anyway here are a few pics of the stupeed things we did that always puts a smile on me face. Hope it puts a smile on your face as well cause since you're so freaking far away i can't be there to actually put a freaking smile myself. Loving you will always be me =)
The Uglies. One of the many XD
The Stupids. Two way binoculars?
The Crazies. Ironwoman and Femalegatron.
The Downright Hilarious. Quadsquinting=)
And here i thought this was gonna be a short pathetic post, I THINK NOT! See Sarah this is how much i love you, i've just taken up about 2 hours of my time (Not that i have anything to do anyway) writing this blog post specially for you. Hope you enjoyed it HAPPY BIRTHDAY WOMAN!
And i found these awesomely funny people on YouTube and can't stop laughing now. The crazy things people can do in the car. For those who hate K-Pop don't bother watching it cause well..... IT'S K-POP PEEPZ!!! I present to you... CAR JAMZ!!! Gosh i miss having those insane car rides *wipes tears away* WHYYYY??? WHY DID IT HAVE TO END??? yeah i know i'm being real dramatic.... i like... XD Well till i come back with something more interesting this'll have to do...DOO DOO DOO DOO~~~~~~ENJOY!
As much as i should be studying and doing my assignment NOOOOOO!!!!! i found myself hellbent on making a cover of the Weepies - Gotta Have You. Oh music you be the death of me.
Had to find a picture of guts that wasn't too disturbing =D
You know, i think i used to have bigger guts. I used to do the corniest things just to talk to someone i really wanted to talk to. Ohhhh trust me, i was super daring once. I'm not gonna say what i did.. cause...well.... then i can't re-use it!! TEEHEE! But yeah, things were easier back then when i never really considered the consequence of my actions, but then again, why do i keep holding myself back now? I think the past year has really really scarred me to the extent that i've literally made the "I won't make a move until you make a move" line my freaking motto. Gosh! This is bad cause it brought about another debate in my head. I say i'm not gonna make the first move, fine. But what happens when the other person is thinking the same way? Then you end up not talking cause you expect the other person to be the first to start a conversation and it becomes so awkward cause you'll have one of those, "you start, no you start, no you start" moments. But the problem is.....THIS ARGUEMENT WILL BE HELD IN YOUR MINDS AND NOT OUT LOUD! Then the worst part of it all is that you'll start having these depressing thoughts going through your head like "Crap, this person doesn't care" or "I mean nothing to them" and it goes on and on and it develops into an insane bottled up emotion that leads you to JUMP OFF THE LEDGE! no...no... ok that was too much but you get what i mean right? Where'd all my guts go? I really need it back cause i'm not only doing it to certain people i'm applying that motto to everyone! Do you know how bad that is? I'm isolating myself from people again. Wonder if it's cause college is ending and i just wanna break off from the people i once knew. I really need to stop that, and i'm working on it i guess? I need my guts back ASAP or i shall resort to EATING GUTS!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA
Lines. Who are we to draw the lines? These lines that divide us, these lines that label us. Who's to say how something should be? Just because you'll choose to do something differently doesn't make it the "better" option does it? We humans, so keen on putting labels onto things, so eager to be the one to set the trend of what should be and how things should be done. It's ridiculous. Just because you would prefer something done your way doesn't give you the authority to criticize what others do. You say "That's not how it should be." well think again "Is that how you should think?" Well once again i pose the question, "Who are you to say what should be and what shouldn't?" In the end, who's to say anything at all really? Everything is an expression of self thought, hence it is often biased and selfish. But who am i to think that? =)
Just the many debates i have in my head when i see certain things.
And my nights fell silent once more. No more late night sms-ing, no more late night calls, no more skype calls, nothing. Life's just went back to a super duper boring state. I need things to fill up my time, but what can i do when i'm stuck at home all the time? Can't wait till after the 5th.. but will anything change then? Sigh... guess the most optimistic option is to await February. Gosh.... i need a life. Correction, i need a new bunch of awesome possum friends.
Meanwhile i'm stuck on this song : The Weepies - Gotta Have You.
No amount of coffee, no amount of crying,
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine,
No, no no, no, no, no,
Nothing else will do,
I gotta have you,
I gotta have you.
=)
You know what i miss?
The smell of cigarette smoke.
That intoxicatingly disturbing smell it gives off that literally paints the atmosphere a bittersweet colour. The way it sticks to your clothes, the lingering smell that never shakes off no matter what you do. The way it entwines with your hair forming a perfect balance of shampoo, burnt paper and a light tinge of tobacco. But the most beautiful part is how the scent of cigarettes locks itself onto your skin, like an invisible tattoo it spreads across your skin and assimilates itself onto you.
That smell for me will always be a little sexy but mostly nostalgic. I used to hold my breath when i saw smokers, now, i just take it in lightly. Every small intake of breath i breathe in brings me back to the days where all was adrenalin rushes & intelligent insults. Insanely bold yet naively fun. The Looney days. The spark in my dull college years. It was fun and i'll miss it dearly, it's not everyday you find somewhere that allows you to just be you now is there?
Just like smoke,
those days faded away and all there was,
was that lingering bittersweet smell left on
your clothes,
your hair,
your skin,
like memories they stay.
FYI - For the record I do not smoke, i repeat, i do not smoke. Have not, do not, and hopefully will never smoke. But these bunch of idiots did, do. Crazy ass bunch of people who will forever make my day =)
Hey big man...woman....it....YOU!!!!! Souljaboy off in this OH! Watch me crank it, watch me roll! Watch me crank that souljaboy, then SUPERMAN that OHHHH. Now watch me YOOOUUUUU!!! *slaps self* sorry got distracted obviously. *i actually danced the dance when i sang this hahahaha* Anyway like i was saying, YOU! big person up in the sky that enjoys watching my life and every other poor soul on this planet's life from your couch on your wide ass screen tv.... please cut me some slack. I dunno what's gonna happen but i sure as hell pray it ain't gonna be nasty. K Goodnight! =D
Ever had one of those talks that made it harder for you to breathe yet you smile on? And behind that smiling face is someone who knows everything but can't bring themselves to say it all out? Every time i bring that subject up, i feel like crying. When can i ever be free? I don't know, but when i am, i know, i'll lose my mind. No more worrying about others, no more holding back, no more regrets, no more. I want to stand on my own and disappear. Lead a life where no one knows who i am, get a change of look. Do all the crazy things i want to do, but what are the chances of that happening?
To be free,
What does it take?
To live each day without a worry,
Without a fear of wrong judgment.
These chains,
Invisible but present.
Evilly daunting,
Constantly reminding me of the things i've lost because of them.
I hate these chains,
But they are not mine to break.
I don't believe i can break these chains,
I don't believe,
Nothing will help loosen them,
Time...
Time, i can't wait any longer,
So what are you waiting for?
For me to fight?
Maybe.
Tell me,
How do you fight when you don't believe?
Like a tree,
I've grown fond of the ground i grow on,
The fluttering of each leaf memorized,
The whispers the wind brings.
Just like the voices & the people,
Traveling past me,
Like a blur flash of colors.
So familiar to me,
How bland.
My roots they're lodged in the ground,
Comfortable but somehow,
Eager to be free.
This plane is dry and cracked,
No promise lies within.
I expected too much out of it.
And i'm tired.
Tired of being an old tree in an ever changing land.
Change.
Inevitable.
Yes, that is what i seek.
New Faces,
New Voices,
New Scenery,
New Memories,
New Surroundings
New Emotions.
I want to be able to not expect.
To not predict.
To be awed beyond what my mind can comprehend.
This place,
So many memories,
Bittersweet,
Now more bitter than sweet,
Draining my life away.
I can't wait to break free,
To detach myself from these roots that lock me to my misery.
Every inch i grow deeper,
Is an effort wasted to hold onto ground that has slipped away,
Is another chance for my soul to wither,
Is another lie piled up on top of ones i already know,
Is my heart exposing itself to harm,
Is a question reoccurring.
I can't wait to utter goodbye.
To start over alone.
Yet,
I want someone to give me a reason to stay,
To not let go,
To not disappear.
But no one will.
So i'm gonna be an ass and blame my sudden mood swing on my monthly realization of being female XD. Had breakfast with Dickson and Hafriz today, god knows when i'm ever gonna see them again. And while we were talking i realized, i missed Looney. All of them, Hafriz, Ranjiv, Vijay, Ally, Adi, Peter, Dickson, Alyssa. I was only truly close with 2 of them, but somehow i miss all of them. I think i've just been stuck in drama for too long that i forgot what it was like to have a breather. To be insulted and have fun and letting loose. Mostly... i miss having a guy friend. I mean i sorta do have them but not as close as i want it to be, too many complications attached to the ones i'm around. Why a guy? Well... i've always been more inclined to talk to guys than i am to girls. I have Susu to talk to but.... it's just not the same, it's not different.
Generally i miss the company of people who insult me and i insult back as a form of entertainment. Sarah & Helen have that, that's why i'm so close to them. The rest... i'm sad to say...don't qualify. I mean in my own opinion. I need a challenge for a group of friends not mere listeners, people who know their shit and can make me feel like a million bucks when they insult me to the core. I can't wait for a change.
So the last post was a lil on the pissy side... yeah .... yeah.... But i kinda figured why i you know got pissed, guess i was pissed cause it dawned on me on a whole new level that i will never be that person i once was even if i wanted it to be. Even the littlest role can't be me anymore. It'll never be the same and those spots i once was or was close to have been filled up. And the waves came rushing back to my shore, crashing and pulling my strength away and soon, as you have made me, there will be nothing.
When i still had something,
I wanted nothing.
But now i know how nothing tastes like,
I don't want it.
Now i want something, anything,
But then, it's just not enough anymore.
I want more,
I want what was,
I want what can't be.
But there's nothing i can do to change that.
So i turn into nothing.
Tonight,
I can't smile.
Ever get that superbly worried feeling in the depth of your gut? I mean it could ultimately be nothing you're worried about, but the endless possibilities of it being something worth worrying about is just too taxing to ignore? Well yeah, had one of those today. I was caught in an hour long jam and i couldn't help but space out as i played out the possibilities of anything in my head, then came the package of slight panic, worry, occasional sudden breaks, difficulties in breathing, heavy chest yada yada....
And well... when it all comes down to it,
I ask myself again,
Why do i still bother?
The answer?
Because i still care.
For those of you who're wondering why the heck have i changed my name on Facebook and Skype. Here's the scoop as to why i, Asyikin Jane, have transformed into a John Appleseed.
So while waiting for my mom to come pick me up from college, i decided to hang out with Amanda cause well.... she's fun! So i'm using my new IPod...(Will tell story of this for my birthday post that's waaaaay overdue) yeah...and Amanda asks me about the IPod message thingy that you can use with wifi or something like that? Yeah i still can't use it, anyway, the name present was John Appleseed and i was like "Who the hell is John Appleseed?" then she just starts laughing. I thought nothing of it at first until Amanda called me John Appleseed on FB and it hit me like....like.....the freaking typhoon i experienced earlier today! Yes, the weather was crazy, the videos will be up as soon as i can load em up to youtube =D It was some awesome crap, anyway.... Yeah i stray off easily. So she said even my initials kinda match! And i'm like......
FROM HENCE FORTH, I SHALL BE KNOWN AS
"JOHN APPLESEED"!!!!
*fuck yeah face* Even changed my photo to this one.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH my teacher got so confused cause like...WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN?!?!? AHAHAHAHAHA
Will update on the funny posts on FB i got about me being a dude hahahaha. John Appleseed, whoever you really are, you've made my day you really have.
Yeah this is a follow up from one of my posts labeled White Horse. As
promised, this is my version of White Horse. Yes i know that i may sound
a lil like crap and it's not as nice as Taylor Swift and that i may
have potentially killed the song and what not but HEY! at least i did it
TEEHEE! Listening to myself sing i still don't think i sound nice,
still think i sound like crap...ah well what to doo doo doo doo~~ enjoy
la you musically deaf people and for those who know their shit...don't
hate on me =)
Say i love you,
That face of an angel, comes out just when you look at her.
As i paced back and forth till this day,
Cause i strongly still believe in you.
Holding on, the days drag on,
Stupid girl,
I should've known,
Yes i know.
I'm not your princess, this ain't my fairytale,
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell,
This ain't Hollywood, this is the real world,
I'm still a dreamer even if you.. let me down,
It's not too late for you and your white horse,
To come around.
Let myself be naive, got lost in your eyes,
And never really had a chance.
My mistake, I thought that was true love,
I didn't think it would come to an end.
I still have so many dreams about you & me,
What happy endings?
I still don't know!
That i'm not you princess, this ain't my fairytale,
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell,
This ain't Hollywood, this is the real world,
I'm still a dreamer but you're still letting me down,
It's not too late for you and your white horse,
To come around.
And there you are on the phone,
Calling me for nothing, talking to me,
Just like i always wanted,
But it feels empty.
Cause you chose your princess, I'm not your fairytale,
I'll try to find someone someday who might actually treat me well,
This is a big world, that was a small town,
There in my rear view mirror disappearing now,
Still not too late for you and your white horse,
To catch me now.
Oh~ try and catch me now,
But it's too late,
To catch me now.
P.S - Yes i know there's nothing to look at, i covered my webcam with a piece of paper TEEHEE!
My Heart skips a beat when i see you,
My Heart still longs to talk to you,
My Heart wants to reach out to yours,
Yes, I still like you.
My Heart feels light to know you're alright,
My Heart is grabbed by panic to know you're not,
Of course I still care for you.
My Heart does not & will not crumble as it did,
At least i hope it won't. I'm building a heart for a Realist, One that refuses to hope, And i'm getting there.
Just one thing though, Can i still hope to be your friend? My Heart would like that very much. For at least then, I can have peace at mind knowing you're happy, Or that i can help relieve you of stress. Yes, Yes, My Heart would love that very much indeed.
P.S - Yes i am fully aware the picture i used is some heart with a bypass or something like that...IT MEANS NOTHING!!!! I just wanted a nicely drawn heart really quick *COUGHlazytolookforniceronesCOUGH* Yeah..... I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!! Pfft!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand once again i ish schtupeed. Ah well, least i gave a hootery right? Strangely, yes strangely, it....doesn't feel bad at all hahahahaha. I don't have the "wait by the phone with the forever alone face" syndrome anymore hahahahhaha. Oh don't gimme that look, it happens when you like a person alright? Anyway, I mean i can face the "Are you alright?" question much more calmly now, not that i won't spew everything out, but i handle it a lil better emotionally. No more sulking for the rest of the night and the days to follow. Hmmm must be the Rocky XD And yes, it's 3AM and i'm eating Rocky, you mad bro? *Troll face* (I can actually do a troll face...i can do a lot of faces actually as shown below).
Yes this is me =D
Pretty good FU face don't you think? hahahahahaaha
I know i shouldn't, Not anymore, Not again. Never was the word i chose, However... I am somehow compelled to care. The words are typed up, All i have to do, Is go against my stand, And send. And i shall.
Patients i have is running out,
Stop expecting so much out of me.
It may be too much to say but i've done a whole damn lot!
Don't you fucking bring that tone down on me.
Anger trapped at my throat,
Unable to express what i think,
It accumulates and whirls in my head.
My head's about to explode!
If i was a free person i'd take all the blame,
But i am not.
And i stand alone in a space for 5,
I am confused,
I am a follower that mindlessly does what i'm told,
I cannot lead,
I have no initiative.
No.
I know,
I am,
IRRESPONSIBLE.
So stop hoping i'll change.
The World Issues Conference is coming up this Saturday, it's freaking driving me insane. I can't wait for it to be over. I can't wait for this semester to end! I can't wait to escape....I can't wait to be free.
There's something different in the way you speak, A lighter tone to it, A brighter sense to it, Makes me smile to know it's alright, Even if you still take my breath away. I am an explosion of colors, Twirling.
Lies. What are lies? Are they but something you tell to protect someone? Or just words you utter to save your own ass? Can lies ever be for good? I'm beginning to doubt it. Lies, a twist of words, a fabrication of the unreal, a cowards way of life. Despicable and repulsive. Truth is, I can take lies as long as they don't end up hurting anyone, but let's be realistic, when do lies never hurt someone? So i just smile and take it in, but somewhere deep down in the corner of my mind and heart, i'm so so afraid. I mean, how can i not be? Liars only know how to fabricate stories, and take whatever trust that is given to them and manipulate it.
Maybe i'm suspecting too much, but really, how can i not when so many point at that direction? I can't help but feel scared around people like you. How can i trust someone who seems to have too many unbelievable situations wrapped around them? This is not a bloody TV series, this is reality! And yes these situations may occur in reality but not, i swear on my life, NOT to one person in such a short span of time. And with every story told, someone tells me that's way to funky too be true. And i'm caught in a dilemma of whether i should trust you or do i look at the signs and heed the warnings. Why are you doing this?
I don't know what to think of you, you are excellent, talented and just brilliant, but i don't know you. At least i don't think i do. I know only what you want me to know of you and god knows if any of it is even real. You're driving me insane and this feeling sucks, it feels like my heart is about to sink, it feels like danger. I can't look at you without seeing lies, i can't talk to you without having the letters "L-I-A-R" spelled out in my mind. I have half of my mind set on just grabbing you and screaming at you "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU REALLY?". Do you get your kicks out of seeing people trusting you and just believing what you say? Do you? I grow wary for my own safety when i'm around you, tell me, how can a liar mean well?
If you lie, means you have something to hide. If you have something to hide, means you've done something wrong. If you've done something wrong, how can you be good? At first i thought "Whatever, it may just be a rumor." I refused to believe it at first. Then the comments began to come in from people who have never seen you in their whole life and that's where it hit me. ANYONE CAN LIE. It doesn't matter how long you've known a person or how well you know a person, the person can still lie to you. Because at the end of the day what you know about them is whatever information they fuel you with. Maybe i'm getting tired of listening, i don't know. But these thoughts won't go away and neither will this fear i have towards you.
I can't believe you, hence i can't trust you, but somehow i want to. But it's too late, a thought planted will grow, and sadly i can never trust you like i would anymore. This is a brick wall you chose to build and if it is my fault for not trusting, i'm sorry but i can't undo these words. I can't block these ideas, i can't stop these thoughts.
There are too many things i have on my mind and i can't get them all down. It's eating at me...But in the end all i want to know is "Who are you?"
Today, i once again realize that....i can never be part of that perfect picture. How can i if it was already perfect? You were all there, we were in the same room but i was a million miles away. I used to think novelist were exaggerating when they explained how it felt like to not belong, they weren't. It feels cold, you smile and laugh but inside you just feel like dying. I hate this feeling, it feels like i'm struggling to belong somewhere that i shouldn't. Maybe it's just me, i don't know, but thinking about this pisses me off so much. With my parents talking about my freedom, university, financial aid and whatever crap, my temper can shoot sky high any moment.
Sigh... i'm really losing it these days, i can't sleep right, even with 8 hours of sleep i have no energy at all for the day, i can't think right, the only comfort i have is i eat right...though i wonder if i'm taking my stress out in food form... gotta get it together...seriously.
Far away, Far from me. Where you are, I cannot see. Down this turning comes another, And another. And all i see is another long road, But never the destination i desire. I have my sight set too far, My gas has run out, My feet are tattered and scarred, My heart is dry and torn. But you're a million miles away. Always and still are.
It freaking sucks when you get all excited about something and you have a thought whereby you'll be like HAHAHAHAHAHA i have to tell my best.... friend.....this......and you realize... you don't have that person to do that anymore. Sigh.... i miss having someone whom i didn't have something to hide from or feel reluctant to say.
So many things can't be said....
And i begin to feel restricted.
I miss my best friend,
You who made me feel like me. Where'd you go? How're you? How's everything?
Are you alright?
What's new? Do you feel awkwarded? Was i wrong to do this? Do you resent me?
I'm sorry, I miss you. I'm sorry i miss you. But the world spins madly on.
So lately it's been raining like a hole ripped in the sky lately every 2pm ish. And being the me WHO JUST LOVES THE RAIN! I decided "hey! i think i'll walk in the rain to the Main Campus! This'll be FUN!"
*Time taken to walk there = 5 minutes, Result = WET*
So yeah i went into the office at main campus looking like some poor homeless child looking for shelter hahahahaha the looks i got from the students and the staff were priceless! i ended up making the office floor, which was carpeted SUPER WET and i had to laugh while saying "I'm sorry i'm dripping all over your floor" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. After i did what i had to do the rain was pouring much heavier than when i walked here.... what happened after that i shall show with a few cute cat photos =D
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
The rain was so freaking heavy! BUT I STRODE ON!
And all this while i was enjoying myself =D HOW COULD I NOT?
Then it dawned on me that i was so so so so wet...LIKE THIS CUTE KITTEH!!!!! just the wet, not the cute part.
Interesting drying off process =D
So yeah basically, i had this "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED" face and walked, i repeat WALKED, not run, WALKED back to college with pride and glory and and and....a very very wet bra hahahahahahaha.So.... upon reaching college, i was greeted with a bunch of WOAH! SHE IS FREAKING WET faces, a few AWESOME faces and 1 super not amused Dickson... hahahahaha he is such a mom! And to the drying off process!!!!
The drying off process :
Step 1 - Take off super wet shirt & pants and attempt to dry off in toilet. Step 2 - Wear beloved and trusty hoodie instead of wet shirt.... but pants...well... had to wear them back cause like.... yeah.... but it was a pair of shorts and it dried rather quickly. Step 3 - Shake off all excess rain water from hair like a dog. Step 4 - Take off water filled poor Converse shoes as well as socks. Step 5 - Have a very very wonderful friend/Dickson to buy you a hot cup of Maggie so you won't catch a cold. Thank you Dickson =D Step 6 - Attempt to dry all clothing to prevent mother from killing you.
- You can use the air cond, the computer fan and the most effective a BIG ASS FAN! Step 7 - You're pretty much good to go!
Note : You must have an awesome friend to help you with this process to double the fun! XD Thanks a million Dickson!
Thank you rain, Because of you, I was distracted. Because of you, I was silly. Because of you, I could lie a little better. So rain, I owe you one.
Now that i'm down from that weird high, i can post something relatively sane but undoubtedly emo as usual =D Sometimes
we get so caught up in out own dilemmas, our own drama, our own little
world that we sorta forget that we're not the only ones who has to go
through this crap. And sometimes, it's worse for others, so who are we
to whine and complain about the situation we're in? But it'd be totally
unfair to say that we must keep it in and pray to god we don't burst in
the near future.We can but merely express those feelings through
whatever healthy means there is. For me it's blogging and listening to
depressing music and occasionally filling some close buddy's ears with
tractor loads worth of emotional mayhem/CRAP. I sincerely thank all
those who've taken time out to even give a dipping shit about my life.
You have no idea how much i appreciate it.
But
even with all those outlets...somehow i can't seem to totally bring
myself to do what i should. I admit i'm very weak in the emotional
department and a rather big hypocrite when it comes to many things. But
as a human i am flawed. I'm sorry i can't bring myself to be a better
person.
Boyce Avenue's cover of Blink182's song I Miss You is
simply beautiful. (SCROLL DOWN!) This song has always somehow been at the back of my
head for a lil more than a month now as it speaks my mind in a less
insane-female manner. Sigh... but it doesn't matter what i think or want now does it? It never has.
Dodging is funny,
You kinda have that WHOOPS! face then dodge.
But after sometime,
Dodging just hurts.
Because,
I'm dodging you.
Where are you? and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick, strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?
Stop this pain tonight...
Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head
I miss you, miss you
Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head
Sometimes i just feel like YABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLA
Yup!yup!yup!yup!yup! There is no purpose to this post, i'm just saying my mind is so messed up right now from the lack of sleep that even while i'm typing this so SO many typos are occurring. I FARKING LOVE MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW!!!! NGAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA will get back to this when i piece back my sanity. =D
Sarah Lois you were so right, it is hard. You'd probably slap me if you saw what i'm doing but heck you understand what it feels like right? And i couldn't last a week either hahahahaha such weak suckers we are eh? I feel rather disappointed in myself, so much for thinking all i had to do was pretend i couldn't see. Truth is there is no such thing as pretending, there is not such thing as not seeing, everything is just there. It just depends on how we want to take it in. Sigh...here i go being a total brat again....
You'll be one of the few things that can make me wince. Still are one of the things that can make me sink when i'm about to float. I still try to find the signs... but who am i kidding? I should really make my own sign, " EXIT" I'm still trying.. still trying.
But tell me, How do i write that sign? When in my heart, All I want to do is ask you if you're alright, Always..always. But i won't ask you, No, never again. I've given up, I can't bring myself to try anymore.
Because it doesn't matter, After all, You wouldn't do the same. Would you now?
It's funny how my heart kinda aches each time i hear my phone ring now. Be it an sms or a phone call.
I miss how it all was, where my days were filled with you, every waking moment spent talking to you, hanging out with you, trying to wake you up when it was hopeless, making dirty jokes from everything, exchanging stupid grins from inside jokes, crazy car rides, that fuzzy feeling i got from when you hugged me and mostly the long late night calls that never led anywhere.
I wonder where'd that all go to? Guess it was a waste of my time after all. It was all for nothing in the end. Chasing a lie. Silently i still wish you would care even just a little. But then i tell myself, hey, i'm gonna look for someone who can make me dance to He Is We's - Everything you do. Someone who'll love me too. That thought makes it all alright. =)
He Is We - Everything You Do
When you touch me, it’s like the very first time.
I’m so lucky, to say that you’re mine.
I still get those stupid butterflies,
but it’s just what you do.
I’m loving everything you do.
=)
Special Thanks to Sheryl Lynn Chan for providing me with He Is We music. It's helped lift up my mood a whole lot. =)
Yay! Everything is so damn red and pink!!!! yes that way sarcastic. I just thought i'd make a change to the blow and hopefully you know... the topics would change to more interesting stuff that you people can relate to...then again...meh! i think i'll keep it all like this MUHA!
I just realized, i wanted to say how many days have i been off my own brand of "crack", but i didn't jot the days down! Such an improvement! Now that i don't keep track i don't miss it so much, i mean sure i have a lot of problems stopping my memories from flowing out no matter where i look but even that's been reduce. Thank god!!!
Everything seems to moving on just fine, Now it all depends on how i handle the situation when it presents itself.
Let's hope my brain works harder than my heart on this one.
Yes i know i stole that song title from Switchfoot. =D But anyway i've decided it's time. Well sorta, itty bitty steps is what i'll call it. I can't wipe out memories, but i sure as hell can remove things from sight now and that's exactly what i'm gonna do. Hopefully after my birthday i can breathe.
P.S - I am so stuck on He Is We songs! Awesomely depressing music made light =D It has helped me =)
Despite what i must do and what i know. I still wait... But i guess as always i'll be the first to go. Soon, with hope, I won't see you anymore. I guess, I want goodbye.
^^^
But Peter, what do i do if i wanna go away? What do i do to forget? Say goodbye?
Memories of you still play in my head, Memories of me with you still surround my thoughts. I fell in love with that you, I let myself love that familiar comfort-ability. But memories & familiarity are but ghosts living in my mind. I know now, I'm in love with the untouchable. I'm in love with ghosts.
It aches just a little nitty ditty but i think i'm ok now. I guess all i needed was to say out and admit what i am and was so afraid about. And that silence. I needed it to think, to see with a little more focus, to see past that barricade that was you.
What can change now that the pieces of the present has been set down? 2 choices of the future presented itself. Stay with eyes wide open or close my eyes and move on. A friend told me that once you make a choice, you stick with it till the end, don't ever look back and ponder the what if's. But i was always the kind of girl who waited for "Fate" to set down the rules. Let "Fate" be the one to pull things apart. That way i'll shoulder no blame, i would be able to say with a clear mind that it was not that i didn't try, but i ran out of time. "Fate" stepped in.
But if it's "Fate" i have to wait for, i think i'll go insane. So i think i've found it in me to loosen my grip on that forever bolted door handle. I'll still wait for "Fate" to come, but before that i have to stop myself from hoping, from trying. And i think i have, even just a nitty bitty. Perhaps i've worked it out in my head that i was in love with how comfortable i was with you, now that that's gone, i was merely in love with the memories of how i felt with you. I was loving a ghost.Memories of what was once but no more.
I guess i can sorta budge from where i stood, in front of that locked door that was a bridge to you. I tried to be a locksmith and kept trying to make that door open, but it was not for me. Funny i'm thinking now why i held on so long. Makes me laugh each time.
I see now, ever more clearly,
"Everything that happens, happens for a reason. I still can't see that reason yet but i'm sure one day when i look back, i'll see it clearly and smile while saying i'm glad that path didn't open up for me."
I had a strange dream, well i've been having them just that this one was a little different. I was traveling home with 2 friends, a guy and a girl, one was susu i believe the guy...well... i'm just gonna keep that on a hush hush mode for now cause i don't know why i'm dreaming about him =D Anyway we traveled around and around and so many things happened but i can't seem to remember them now, but one thing stayed burnt in the back of my mind,
It was during the night, in a crowded place, i can't tell where. The place was lit up with vibrant lights and i was laughing...i don't remember why either, all i know is that i was happy with susu and the guy. Then, in the crowd appeared a face i recognized, a face i would never let go off no matter where i go, a face un-mistaken, never, because no matter what, i always search for that face. You were as you always were, with a guitar slung on your back, with that look on your face, funnily attractive fashion sense, with 2 friends i have never seen before by your side.
My heart races. In all excitement, I begin to run towards you, and ask you how're you. But you... just waved me off... you looked drunk. I tried to reach out once more, but again with an irritated face you pushed me away. Walking off now with your friends, leaving me in the crowd. Never looking back. And now i don't try to catch up to you as i normally would, i just stand there. Stuck with pain, all feelings have left my legs. My heart wrenches... i just crouch down and cry.
And i'm soon catapulted into a whole new scenario. Water...I'm lying down in a pool of water, maybe those are my tears, i don't know and the guy i was with pulled me up...and i wake up.
Waking up, the first thought was not of the pain. But instead i was worried for you, how stupid of me, i know. I reached for my phone, but i decided... no, i can't keep doing this. So i never did make myself talk to you. Cause after all, you wouldn't do the same for me now would you? Maybe my dream means something, maybe it's telling me that i should stop waiting for someone who doesn't even bother looking my way. I know that yet still...
I still think of you when i wake and before i sleep, I even dream about you, Gosh, what can i do to make thoughts of you leave me? They say it's love when all you do is think about a person, Well it's not love if only one person's doing it. It's stupidity. And yes, I am stupid, Stupid for still liking you.
Falling in love with the lyrics, I think i wanna make my own version of this song, But i need to learn how to play the guitar.... I wanna learn... Damn yew Taylor Swift....
Say you're sorry, That face of an angel comes out just when you need it to As I paced back and forth all this time'Cause I honestly believed in you Holding on, the days drag on Stupid girl, I should have known,I should have known
That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, Lead her up the stairwell This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance My mistake, I didn't know that to be in love, you had to fight to have the upper hand I had so many dreams about you and me Happy endings, well now I know
That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, Lead her up the stairwell This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around And there you are on your knees Begging for forgiveness, begging for me Just like I always wanted, but I'm so sorry 'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well This is a big world, that was a small town There in my rear view mirror disappearing now And it's too late for you and your white horse Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoatry and catch me now Oh, it's too late to catch me now
