In Love With Ghosts.

Memories of you still play in my head,
Memories of me with you still surround my thoughts.
I fell in love with that you,
I let myself love that familiar comfort-ability.
But memories & familiarity are but ghosts living in my mind.
I know now,
I'm in love with the untouchable.
I'm in love with ghosts.

It aches just a little nitty ditty but i think i'm ok now. I guess all i needed was to say out and admit what i am and was so afraid about. And that silence. I needed it to think, to see with a little more focus, to see past that barricade that was you.

What can change now that the pieces of the present has been set down? 2 choices of the future presented itself. Stay with eyes wide open or close my eyes and move on. A friend told me that once you make a choice, you stick with it till the end, don't ever look back and ponder the what if's. But i was always the kind of girl who waited for "Fate" to set down the rules. Let "Fate" be the one to pull things apart. That way i'll shoulder no blame, i would be able to say with a clear mind that it was not that i didn't try, but i ran out of time. "Fate" stepped in.

But if it's "Fate" i have to wait for, i think i'll go insane. So i think i've found it in me to loosen my grip on that forever bolted door handle. I'll still wait for "Fate" to come, but before that i have to stop myself from hoping, from trying. And i think i have, even just a nitty bitty. Perhaps i've worked it out in my head that i was in love with how comfortable i was with you, now that that's gone, i was merely in love with the memories of how i felt with you. I was loving a ghost. Memories of what was once but no more.

I guess i can sorta budge from where i stood, in front of that locked door that was a bridge to you. I tried to be a locksmith and kept trying to make that door open, but it was not for me. Funny i'm thinking now why i held on so long. Makes me laugh each time.

I see now, ever more clearly,

"Everything that happens, happens for a reason. I still can't see that reason yet but i'm sure one day when i look back, i'll see it clearly and smile while saying i'm glad that path didn't open up for me."