I Have A Monster in My House

"Say that one more time"
That line echoes in my ears,
Like sharp claws wrapping around my throat.

"Say that one more time"
Each word falls off your tongue,
Like stale death and poison.

"Say that one more time"
Breath foul of hate and fear,
A putrid soul beneath the cowl of the beast.

You terrorize and instill fear to all including your kin,
You do not see that you create disgust with your hands.
You think so highly of yourself,
But you do not see the little child that resides within.
A "5-year old prick" that's what I called you,
You sought to harm with such a simple taunt,
You are nothing but a coward.

That's why you hide behind your big appearance,
And learn martial arts,
And get involved with crime.
You think it's so cool that you're termed the "bad ass",
But the bitter truth is,
You're so afraid of being intimidated that you've lost sight of what you should be.
You criticise others but you don't see,
you don't see.....

You are a hypocrite,
Pathetic,
Weak,
Fearful,
Despised,
Stupid.
You are all the things you've feared to be.
But you do not see.

"Say that one more time"
I dare not gaze upon this monster before me,
He is not my brother,
But a horrid creature that will not hesitate to remove me of breath.

Mother once said you have love in your heart,
She was wrong.
One who loves should never make the ones they love fear you.
And now,
I fear you.

"5-year old prick"

Today. Well Actually Yesterday.

Nope. Nope. Just nope. I am done with this. Really. Don't need this shit. At all. Just. Freaking. No. Ugh.... Whateves man. I'm done.

P.s : I now blog the same way I write Tumblr tags hahahhahaha!

Note

Hello blog. I is stressed. I has loads of work to do. Yet I is here.... Because it makes sense to procrastinate right? NO CURRRRR!!!!!!

"Weirdly attractive"

That's new, I can work with that. 

Answers.

When you can't figure out what's wrong, you actually know the answer.

It's all there, in your head.

Just depends if you want to acknowledge it.

Take a little time, 

Question yourself,

Understand the choices you've made,

You'll find what you're looking for.

Be it the the enlightening truth,

Or a feared darkness.

Embrace it, stand tall, fear nothing,

Use your gifts and monsters to rule the world.

Random Shizz.

Teen Wolf directors, I simply love you guys. Season 3 has been great so far, not so much on the storyline but how you guys set up the interactions between the characters. I'm just addicted. Plus I find Daniel Sharman increasingly attractive, god dammit sweet puppy face!

Rain, Tears, Pain.

It's cliche to cry in the rain,

But sometimes,

When you can't cry,

Rain falls on your cheek and turn to tears,

It somewhat feels like the sky is crying for us,

But who am I kidding?

No one would cry for us,

They can only represent a fraction of our emotions.

So let us drown in the rain,

It doesn't help,

But somehow it makes us feel understood.

Rain won't wash away our pain,

But with it,

Maybe we'll accept our pain,

And live with it.

The Puppeteers Puppet

I am a puppet,

I dance to the song sang by others,

And play out the stories they tell.

I am pulled and manipulated by the puppeteers we call society,

By the people I say I love.

You glee at the sight of me mindlessly following your every instruction,

A sick sense of accomplishment with each string you pull,

Endlessly abusing your control over me,

Making me pirouette deeper in a building sea of hate.

I dance for you,

I move for you,

You give me life.

But I am not without soul, without thought, without heart,

I am alive.

Your craze for control makes sure I am never heard,

You bind me with endless strings,

Demands, wishes, requests, obligations, regret, respect, guilt.

I suffocate under your rule,

Unable to break free or speak up in defence.

You make me feel small and powerless,

When in truth without me you have no show.

So you bind me,

From seeing,

From speaking,

From being me.

Until all I am,

Is a faceless wooden puppet,

Moving along to your every whim,

In silence,

Broken,

And trapped,

For all eternity.

Bound Now, Free Tomorrow.

Exams have taken over my life,

6 papers is do-able?

Studying and exams,

The best way I can describe this is,

The feeling of knowing something without knowing anything at all.

Don't we all wish we had photographic memories?

You know what?

I know the first thing I wanna do after exams,

I wanna shoot some arrows,

I wanna drown my self in demented movies,

I wanna read books and novels.

Soon, soon.

While I'm still my own person and unowned,

Free and unbound.

Just Something About My Path.

The path I favour has once again been opened.

First it was a western based education,

Then it was Psychology,

More specifically Criminal Psych.

I was discouraged,

But it would seem that the odds now favour me.

Well if I graduate.

In Another Universe.

I am on a road,

Where am I?

Panic does not come,

I know this place.

Everything looks the same,

Rows and rows of houses,

It doesn't look like it'll end.

I am with someone,

Friend? Strangers?

I can't recall,

Just people with blank faces. 

They ask me,

Do you know how to leave this place?

I say it's simple,

Just head towards that tall building.

I see a tall building now,

There is only one tall building.

A building made from mirrors,

A building made from the sky.

That is where the exit is,

And I know the way.

Wait....

I do?

I lead with confidence,

Beyond each turn taken is the same view,

Yet I know where I am headed.

How is that possible?

I get closer,

Then further,

I am still so sure.

I am in a dark hallway,

I don't know where I am,

Where were the ones who were with me?

I am alone,

I am lost,

I am far from where I need to be.

It gets darker.

I am awake,

The story has ended,

It was a dream.

But it has me thinking,

Am I alone?

Am I lost?

Am I far from where I should be?

Something I Hate.

I despise helping people who I don't think deserve it.

Not all the time,

Just mainly studies.

I run on a simple concept,

If you won't spend time listening or attending class then it's your own fault for not knowing.

Don't ask me for my notes.

I really hate it.

But I have no choice but to give it,

Cause I don't want to be mean,

Nor do I want to be treated the same way,

Because I sorta do it too.

But I don't photocopy people's notes,

I simply ask what I don't know.

Fucking study it yourself!

I came to class and listened,

I gave my time up,

What did you do?

Fuck this man!

I don't want to share because what I have is all I have to be better.

I hate that I'm like this but I hate freeloaders more.

The anger builds in me until I feel like throwing up.

But I won't say no.

I mean how can I?

P.s - Secretly, what I really hate is the fact that I work so hard yet I still can't perform and for someone who gives half or no effort to freeload off of me and score better is just detestable. I simply resent the thought of it. I really feel like punching someones' lights out.

What You Do To Me.

There is a knock on my window,
You've come again my love,
Like many times before,
I am drawn to you,
I know better but I am still a fool.

Acknowledging you is like being shot,
Okay, that's a lie,
I don't know what it's like to be shot,
So I'll say it feels like the impact of a fall.
The moment your body hits the ground and your spirit is knocked out of you,
But that doesn't quiet describe the feeling does it?

I rewind the music box that plays our tale,
Such beauty,
Such happiness,
Such passion.
It was not love,
I hadn't known then.

I let you in as I always do,
And I smile.
Why have you returned my love?
You returned a smile tinged with mischief,
I've come to stab your heart again my dear.

You're halfway in,
I put a hand on your chest,
As if a final test.
Nothing,
You have no heart for me.

Enough,
I stop you from coming any further.
You look at me,
Confused and surprised.
Confused by the fact that I could say no,
Surprised by the fact that I pushed you out of the window.

I see you fall,
And it is a long fall.
I do not see where you land,
But I can hear the thud.
I do not expect you to come back soon,
I hope you don't at all.
Nor forgive me for what I had done,
I'm sorry for not being sorry.

For a moment I am triumphant,
For a moment I can breathe again,
Then I realise,
There is pain.
I now see an arrow,
Wedged in between my chest.
It's hit my heart,
I know it has,
It is mine after all.

I can't pull it out,
I can't push it through,
It's stuck,
Right in my heart.
Looking at it,
I noticed this weapon is different from the ones before.

I begin to laugh and cry,
How cruel of you to remind me in such a way,
For a knife would require you to come close,
An arrow on the other hand,
Can be shot from far away.

Will I never be free of you?

In The Mirror.

The sound of scratching,
The clicking of teeth,
There is something here.

The air is foul, the stink of hate,
There is no ground, an endless pit,
There is nothing here.

The dark is blinding,
The silence too loud,
What creatures reside within?

Out there,
A face looking in, never seeing.
Flawless and innocent,
That is what it wants to see.

Flashing a smile, it disappears,
Carrying it's lies and deceit,
Adding poison to the filth.

No one sees.
No one knows.
No one suspects.

But I do,
I am always there to witness the fall, the change.
I move as you do, talk as you do, look exactly like you.

You know what I am,
You see me in the darkest places,
Always in a place most familiar to you.

I am the creature within,
Do you understand now?

"Man prefers to believe what he prefers to be true" - Francis Bacon.
Art by Johannes Rantapuska

Something I wrote a while back during my seniors' thesis presentation.

Time.

It's only been a little more than a month,
It's ONLY been a little more than a month.
How is it that time is both fast and slow?
A blink of an eye,
An endless eternity,
Same amount of time.
Time is defined by the seconds and hours and minutes,
But it fluctuates with perception.
I want more time,
I wish time would pass faster.
We want both,
But time only moves in one direction at the same speed.
It never slows down,
Never speeds up.
Knowing this,
We still continue to wish for what we can't have.
Stubborn, selfish, hopeless,
Such is the endless greed of men.

Walls and Intruders.

We start with simple twigs and pebbles,
Small barricades,
Fragile and loose.
They rarely hold.
But we get better,
As humans always do.

We learn to use bigger and heavier materials,
Bricks, cement, iron,
All to build higher and tougher,
And in doing so,
Forgetting to make an entrance or exit.

We never stop building,
We don't want to risk anyone getting past our fort,
Because sometimes,
Those who enter won't leave,
And you'll have to build a wall behind your wall.

And if those outsiders insist of saying close,
All you can do is push them off your fort,
And pray they won't try again,
Even if you want them to.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I don't think things through before jumping into action.
Sometimes I'm just curious to see what would happen if I did.
Sometimes I start stupid things without meaning for it.
Sometimes I realise there was no point in doing what I did.
Sometimes I do unproductive things even when I already know the outcome.
Sometimes I try to do what I think I should do.
Sometimes I regret it.

Many times, a thing becomes something because people say so.
If most people say so, then it should be true.
But sometimes, not all that people say is true.
Sometimes, I should just stay that way.

Fly Now Little Robin.

Little robin,
Born a machine of war,
A heart waiting to be found,
Dawned those feathers of green and yellow,
Doing his father proud,
To protect their kingdom of 2.
Youngest to fly,
Strongest of all.

Little robin,
Your dance with the bat has come to an end,
Time to rest those wings,
You're in your fathers arms now,
Know that your mother shed a tear for you.
Youngest to fly,
Last to fall.

Little robin,
Sleep now,
You who were and are loved.
Youngest to fly,
Youngest to die.

Why I Am Me.

I don't know why I bother trying to ask for anything I want when I know the answer will always be no. You tell me I matured too fast and am too pessimistic, I don't try at all. Like you wonder why I am the way I am, well look in the mirror. How dare you tell me to try! Liars all of you!

I stopped trying because you always say no, you always have a reason to say no.
I stopped trying because I couldn't see how I was going to maintain what I had.
I stopped trying because you stop me when I try.
I stopped trying when I realised you would never listen.
I stopped trying when you always were right and had your reasons to never give me what I want.
I stopped trying because it hurts me too much when I do.
I stopped trying because I cry after I do.
I stopped trying because I hate myself afterwards,

for being too weak,
for not being able to fight for what I want,
for knowing you don't trust me,
for knowing you think I'm incapable of taking care if myself.

Did I play by your rules?
Yes.
Did I bring my friends home?
Yes.
Do you know my friends?
Yes.
Have you met them?
Yes.
Do you have their numbers?
Yes.
Are they solid old friends?
Yes.
Did I give you an earlier notice?
Yes.
Have I ever smoked, drank or got stoned when I could?
No.
Have I ever committed crimes?
No.
The only thing I don't do right is I don't get good grades.
So what? You want to hold me back forever because I don't score? Fuck this shit! I have so much pent up anger because I can't even get something so small when I'm already doing it your way.
I can't take this anymore!
You always compare me to others,
Well other kids my age have a life,
What do I have?
A bloody house that makes me hate myself and "friends" I keep around temporarily because I don't have the means to stay connected with them.
Congratulations! You've raised the happiest perfect child on earth!

Always having to negotiate why I should get what I want,
Always having to give a reason why it's worth letting me have what I want.
Always testing how much I really want something.
Always blaming my failures on what I do get.
Always making me feel horrible for getting what I have.
Always reminding me I'm horrible at everything I do despite being given everything one could need.

That's why I don't want the love you give me.
If it's at the price of me crying everyday and night I don't want it.
That's why I shut my heart away,
Because I can't stand letting people in when they will leave because I can't be there.
That's why I think the world is filthy,
People are filthy.
You subconsciously taught me that.
To fool myself so that I don't want more,
I won't want more.
Because wanting more only leads to disappointment.

I can't wait to be free of you.
And I hate myself for thinking like this,
But if I am helpless to help myself, then I don't think I can stop wishing the worst onto others.
In the end, I think people are filthy because I am.
And I am what you've made me.

To Have A Heart.

What does it mean to have a heart? Must one care to prove they have a heart? Must something be shown to prove it's existence? Why can't the feeling be simply understood as "Okay, I know what's real and that's enough."? Okay so I don't care about a lot of things, fine. Generally I don't care about anything I won't have contact with, simple as that. Yes, even family.

Truth be told, is it weird that I test people by showing them the horrible side of me? I mean if you know me well enough, you'd know who I really am, isn't that enough? Why do I need people who don't want to see past my faults to be friends with me? And that applies to family, do I really need to show my appreciation and gratitude to them to let them know I love them? Isn't it already understood? Because if you don't understand that, it means you don't know me at all.

Tonight I'm disappointed to know you guys are just like the rest of those strangers I call acquaintances. Each day I say "I love you" I mean it. But if you don't believe that then it's ok, it just goes to show I can't trust you guys either.

So now I have to do a "good deed" everyday for 3 fucking months because fuck ya'll for not being the understanding people I thought you were. I'm not even gonna do it, I mean, come on! Not kicking a dog is a good deed! No I don't kick dogs, just an example. So punish me to do good deeds for the rest of my life, it won't solve anything, it's just a waste of my time and it'll further blur the meaning of why I do things for people I care for because now, it's an obligation, a duty, another reason to get you guys off my back. So congratulations on making me a worse person than I am. Even the good things I do now wont be from the heart. Talk about being ironic.

You asked if I would forget you one day if I leave, I probably won't but I won't care enough to show you the love because it should be understood. I am your child, not your partner who can potentially become unfaithful. The love that binds us is unbreakable but if you don't believe it's there and are paranoid about it disappearing then it will. I'm sorry you don't understand who I am, not can you see what I hold dear in my heart.

And each day of my life becomes more dreaded. Whoopdeedoo!

We Laugh Till We Cry.

This post is waaaaaay overdue and it's shortened but I just had to put it up anyway. My blog, my rules.

So I got to hang out with one of my oldest besties, Sarah for like the whole day and I think it was just the best way to kick of the new year. We insult and we laugh and we laughed and laughed and insulted some more. All and any topics were thrown around, the past and the present was like a joke to us and it was free and nothing but happy.

So maybe I wanted to learn how to play the guitar at first but there's never enough time with us. We are close in the weirdest ways and that's one of reasons why it's fun.

Gotta have more of this in my life, as of now I have something similar but it's not the same. Can't wait to get home and meet with both of my besties them it'll officially be insane! =)

Oh and we camwhored a lot. Like A LOT! So we just merged it all together =D

Sarawak.

Last week of hols and I'm spending it in Sarawak. Being back here is so relaxing and the food..... God the food is marvellous. Sarawak laksa is the best, THE BEST LAKSA in the world! Gonna be having laksa for breakfast again tomorrow, can't wait! I really really need to work out after this, like for real, I've gotten too fat.....

Other than that I've been sleeping way too much as well. Like I sleep 5 hours in the day and I get 10 hours of sleep at night, s it up and that's more than half a day..... Perfect..... I'm officially a sloth.

Anyway, I'm gonna be missing my first day of class and I'm so disappointed because I'll be missing my favourite teachers class and god knows what important information I'll miss out in the tutorial? Gotta remember to mail him about me missing class. I'm so glad I passed my 3rd sem just hope my GPA was good.

Well it's 2.30am and I think I should sleep soon before I end up thinking about things I shouldn't. Goodnight maybe? =)

Fear to Care.

Everybody needs saving,
I will try,
If I care.

I will give my heart and soul,
But I will get bored,
And I may ignore all words.

When things get truly rough,
I worry though,
Truly I do.

But now I'm afraid,
What if it's lies again?
How do I know it's true?

So I pull away,
And care with doubt.
I don't mean to,
but history taught me otherwise.

Humans will lie,
Just to see me try,
Fixing unbroken souls,
When they laugh at mine.

To trust,
I no longer comprehend the action,
It shouldn't come with a price.

But we are in the end,
Human.

Running & Falling

Something I kept in my drafts but forgot to post up so here.

Running and falling,
It's an endless loop with you.
This heart of mine is covered in scars,
But you won't see,
No you won't see.

So I keep running,
Till I break free and disappear from you.
But I always look back,
Would you chase me?
And I'll stumble.
Would you look my way?
And I'll trip.
You never do.

So I keep running,
And when I feel like I've ran far enough,
When I stop to catch my breath,
I hear a whisper,
I turn and eagerly shout my reply,
Something, anything,
to hold onto that chance.

Silence.
Tears sting and I bite back my words,
I know I've fallen again,
The feeling all too surreal.
So I start running,
Away and further,
To a place where your voice can't reach me.