Old Stuff - 19

Oh love of yours,

Be the love of mine,

And mine yours,

Endlessly.

18.12.18

Old Stuff - 18

Words fail,

A steady heartbeat,

Is this what love feels like?

A serenity of a deep pool,

Undisturbed and calm.

11.11.18

Old Stuff -17

If I had my way,

I'd make a home between your neck and collar bone,

Leaving marks like constellations.

Mine.

11.11.18

Old Stuff - 16

Trust,

Is it found

In the crinkles of your eyes when you smile,

Or the warmth of your chest,

The spaces between your fingers,

Your steadfast eyes that gaze upon me,

A meeting of lips, chaste or deep.

It reverberates,

Atom by atom,

Making it's way to me.

11.11.18

Old Stuff - 15

And through the years

I too would wonder,

What kind of person am I drawn to?

I never had an answer.

When I met you,

The answer was simple,

"He was sure"

And it was then I realized,

It didn't take much to love...

And be loved by me.

With you I didn't have to doubt,

Or worry I was hard to love.

And I wonder,

Is this what people find?

Is this what everyone looks for?

How lucky am I?

To love and be loved by you,

Thank you.

05.11.18

Old Stuff - 14

I am a pebble in the ocean,

Descending and sinking.

You are the ocean floor,

Let your waves draw me home.

01.11.18

Old Stuff - 13

You,

You who's spun out of stars,

Who's laugh reverberates down my spine,

You make love easy.

-.10.18

72

I wonder

In 10 years, 30 years, 50 years,

Will I ever stop wanting you

71

I'm being selfish,

I want to scream,

And have eyes that don't belong to me,

Notice me,

See me,

Even for a second

70

What are these tears worth?

They can't save you,

They can't reach you,

And yet,

I cry,

Because you're hurting,

Always

69

If I told you I was unhappy,

Would you steal me away from the life I chose?

You wouldn't,

I know.

But foolish hope remains.

68

I think you'll always have a piece of my heart,

Be it for friendship or for love,

This part, 

Will always belong to you

Old Stuff - 13

Once again,

Another pool I can't enter,

Hurts,

It definitely hurts.

67

The word,

Hurts me,

I joke about it,

But it still stings.

66

Stop.

You feel it don't you?

The strain,

The pull on your heartstrings,

It's so easy,

That's what makes it hard.

Stop,

Before it all rushes out.

Old Stuff - 12

Don't bank on it,

He's the same,

Eventually he'll go back to that one person,

Who he can't leave,

It's always the same,

I never learn.

And maybe I was wrong.

65

Foolish memories,
We weren't dates and yet I had gone with you,
It didn't mean anything then,
Still doesn't now,
But what times we've let go,
Never knowing what would've been,
Had we held on.
01.10.19

.

We're almost never the only version of ourselves

Warning

Its the words,
My mother says,
Her intuition,
She's almost never wrong,
I know it,
And herein lies fear and doubt.

64

The same familiar scene,
Laughing,
Mocking,
Teasing,
Baiting,
Goading,
Nostalgic and thrilling.
And then it hits me,
What this is,
The outstretched claws of a lonesome creature,
The howl for attention,
The frantic search for some semblance of warmth.
And I,
The safety net,
The everburning hearth,
Lay bare for the taking.
Same patterns,
Again and again.
29.06.19

63

I'm perfectly aware,
That what he seeks,
Is not me,
Nor my presence,
It is the idea,
Of someone,
To not be alone,
Scared,
And lost.
I can but give comfort,
Without having his waves,
Pull me deeper.
28.06.19

Old Stuff - 11

Drawing boundaries is a power move,
But you can't create boundaries and perpetually disrespect other people's boundaries,
That's just cowardice,
And manipulative,
What are you playing at?
If you want to know, ask.
Don't lurk on the rims for information,
Don't cling onto any vestige for a crumb,
Be an adult.

Old Stuff - 10

Relationships in 2019,
Are toxic and damaging.
We invite people into our lives with social media,
Constantly seeking to voice out our feelings and thoughts,
Only to have people react,
Some times unkindly.
Some windows should stay closed,
We've all a choice to make

Old Stuff - 9

I want to be needed, to be desired
I am needed when you share your troubles with me.
I know I want to be needed when I seek you out and listen and am curious.

I am desired, when you can't help but want to touch and monopolise me.
I know I want to be desired, when I dress up for you, and tease you and demand your attention indirectly.

Old Stuff - 8

What if these are things I want because of my past.
What if I get bored each time.
What if this is all I amount to.

Old Stuff - 7

I want wit,
I want humour,
I want to be teased,
I want to be desired,
To have you undress me with your eyes,
I want to want to seek you out,
I want to be curious about you,
I want instability,
I want to be useful.

Old Stuff - 6

I think I'm the kind of girl,
Who falls in love with people,
Who have yet to be at peace,
And that's my version of love,
The kind that will burn me to the ground,
Where I am the hero,
At the stake,
Gladly

Old Stuff - 5

Problem is
I'm wild fire,
I raise and suffocate those who desire to be next to me,
And yet,
I seek for a forest
That will burn
For eternity

62

It doesn't matter,
But why am I torn?
Why does it scare me that you will leave in the end?
Wanting you to be happy
Is the most I can do
Even if
Once again
It rips my heart to shreds

Old Stuff - 4

Maybe it's a natural attraction
And that's one of the problems,
But more than that,
This is a pattern,
Repeated since I first could,
I get bored of the people I'm with,
I no longer find anything about the person interesting,
And with that my feelings fade,
And I feel guilty because I feel like we can't take steps backwards,
How do you stop saying I love you without hurting the other person?
I see moments where yes,
I've made the right choice maybe,
I'll most likely be happy if I do this right,
But most of the time,
It doesn't bother me if you're not there,
It's like my being doesn't need you,
What does that mean???
I don't actively seek you out,
I may get worried if you don't text,
Cause you may be dead,
But other than that,
I don't think I actually mind??
Is it supposed to be like,
Hmm yeah this is nice too
Or sure why not.
I don't actively seek you out,
What does this mean???
Does that mean I don't actually need you?
Is that what love is?
Then why are we even together?
All these are resounding in my head,
Are they warning signs?
Is this just the "honeymoon phase"?
What is going on?
I've been asking how people know and why people stay,
And I can't see how??
Does that mean we're wrong?
I don't know what to think

Old Stuff - 3

I'm attracted to dark pools of water

Old stuff - 2

I'm not the kind of girl,
People should love for long,
I don't deserve it.

Old stuff - 1

See?
He's just like the rest,
All work,
And no reciprocity,
Beautiful words,
Empty promises,
Same trap,
Different vessel.

61- Just talk

Today has been tears and tears,
But I feel better,
Talking to you,
I'm glad you're moving on.
I'm just happy we're talking again.

60

Stop making excuses and just tell me you never want to talk to me again.
That'd be so much easier,
Than having me watch you drift away.

59

Part of me still thinks of you,
Where you are,
And what you're doing.
Can't say you do the same,
Because "stupidly busy"
With work, family errands, events,
Are just another way,
Of saying,
I don't have time to think of you.
And that's as good as saying,
"I don't care about you"

58

"What about him",
I wonder what my father thinks of you,
He somehow or rather always brings it back to you,
He knows how much you mean, meant,
mean to me,
He also knows why we can't be,
I wonder why he still asks me about you,
I still wonder.

57

I want you to stop.
Stop calling me Nora,
Stop liking my insta posts,
Stop pretending like you're part of my life,
Stop acting like you care,
Stop saying that you're busy when you're really just avoiding,
Stop,
Just stop.

56

I am the queen of waiting,
Time doesn't change shit,
If one doesn't wanna change,
Nothing will.

55

"I miss you holding me. I need you."
One line from a story.
That's all it takes,
And I'm missing you.
You'll ask why don't we,
And I know,
I know I won't go to you again,
Cause I can't trust that you won't hurt me again,
Touching me,
But never wanting to keep me.

54

"Thanks"
But we both know I won't take your offer,
We're too far gone for that.

53

Tears well up in place,
Of "I miss you".

52

Damned if I do, damned if I don't,
There is no salvation,
Only suffering.

51

He doesn't care.
He doesn't care.
He doesn't care.
When will I get this through my thick skull?

50

The pain is a little less this time around.
But I still think of you,
And still feel sad.
When I do,
It's quickly paired with,
"He wouldn't even flinch,
Not an inch."

49

"Are we never going to talk anymore? Do you hate my guts now? Are we still friends? I miss you"
-Delete-
"Hey, how've you been?"
-Delete-

48

I'm scared to be hurt by you again,
And again,
And again.
But I don't want to lose you either.

47

Don't forget about me

46

There will come a day,
Where I can let go of these notes,
But not yet.

45

It's been a month,
Why am I still counting?

44

Had I known,
This is what would become of us,
I wouldn't have started anything.
Had I known,
That friendships could die like this,
I wouldn't have let you in.
I do not regret,
3 years.
But o just don't know how,
I can have those 3 years,
And continue to have more,
Without you.

43

And when my mother asks,
about you,
I say,
What is the truth.
"I don't know".
I say it,
But of course,
With a dismissive smile on my face.
With a tinge,
Of "who knows",
And "I don't care",
"Like fuck would I give a rats ass".
But my mind,
My mind races,
To the last point of you,
I can recall.
A conversation,
A picture,
A life,
That no longer encompasses me.
And my mother,
She knows,
She can tell,
From how I shrugged,
The question off,
And she asks no more.

42

Even if I fled,
You'd not come after me,
"Perhaps it's better this way"
He thinks, I think.
"Maybe this is what they want"
I think, he thinks.
We're still guessing,
Always wrong.

41

My mistake is thinking he cares,
My mistake is thinking he cares,
My mistake is thinking he cares.

40

Not waiting for you to love me back,
Still feels like a mistake.
But I can't stop moving forward,
Even if that leaves a bloody trail,
There is only forward.

39

When will your name not make me wince?

38

All I can think of,
Is how you don't really want me there,
But I'm wrong,
You probably don't think of me at all.

37

I continue to claw,
At the inside of the urn,
For any signs of life,
Seeking some remnant,
Of a "once" that used to be

36

It'll almost be a month.

35

"Would you have given him a chance?"
I pause.
"Yes." I say.
And I smile.
As though I've accepted that choice.
I don't say,
"I would give him my world and all."
He came very close,
One who I wouldn't have hesitated to give up everything for.
But instead,
I just say "Yes."
For saying more would leave bare my wounds.

34

How deep are these waters?
I keep sinking,
With no bottom in sight.
Down,
Down,
Down,
It's too late to learn how to swim now.

33

What use do I have of these thoughts and feelings?
If I am the only one who hears them?

32

And in the silence,
My thoughts are drawn back to you.
Time stops,
The past rewinds,
And I create futures that will never be.

31

"Jane"
How cold.
Is this what we do?
Make small changes to widen the gap,
Forcing space between you and I,
To hurt.

30

I hadn't known this was drowning,
Until it was too late.

29

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks of them as friends,
As important people,
Maybe I'm wrong,
And it doesn't matter if I'm there or not,
Nobody seeks me out,
My existence isn't needed.
So nobody will miss me when I'm gone.
That kills me.

28

I wonder if sadness has a scent,
Cause all I do,
Is cry in bed,
And I begin to wonder why these tears continue,
Even when I decide to stop.

27

I want someone to notice,
To know I'm not ok.
I can't say anything,
It's all welling up in my throat,
Tears,
All I have are tears.

26

Do I pretend we're ok?
Should I smile?
Can I talk about this?
Am I hurting you?
Did I say something wrong?
Have I messed up again?
What do I do with all these thoughts and feelings in my head?
But what does it matter?
It's not like we talk anymore.

25

It's the moments,
I so want to call out to you,
That I struggle to suppress the most.
I batter myself,
With thoughts,
Of how you don't actually want me,
That it will never be love,
That I'm only hurting myself,
That I'll be happier without you.
Self abuse is my only escape,
Slowly,
Eternally.

24

Was that all you missed?
In the end,
You never really did need me.

23

Like a child,
I want to hide,
To disappear,
Vanish and never be seen by you again.
But I think it's childish,
So I try to do the adult thing,
Of trying to mend things.
Is this the right thing to do?
Must I "fix" this?
Maybe the right answer is stop seeking you out,
No more mending,
Just let us move away from each other,
To be strangers.
How painful,
And maybe that's what being an adult means.

22

I'm so scared,
That one day,
I'll have to ask,
Are we not friends anymore?
And just keep drifting further apart,
As though we were never close.

21

I don't know what letting go of your hands mean.

20

High tides,
That spill over ceaselessly,
Into the silent night.

19

Funny how it's the smallest things that sting.

18

I feel like you don't see me,
And yet.
And yet.

17

I think of a year back,
At your place,
A simple caress of my arm,
It lit me on fire,
All these memories,
What are their worth?
What does it mean that I still think of them?

16

Some cracks,
We make without intention,
We make,
While holding on to what we hold dear,
Like skin to shard,
We push the pieces deeper,
Cracking them further,
Burying them into our palms,
Till only blood remains.

15

I sometimes think about the day,
Where you let me hold your hand,
"Anchoring",
What a lil shit,
But that was the only comfort I could give.
And the day you reached out for mine,
Held it,
And kissed it,
So tenderly,
Like you were unsure.
We weren't each other's,
Yet we held hands.
And I wonder,
Was there,
If at all,
A point,
Where you wanted it to last,
Where even just a little,
You had felt,
Like I did?

14

The name that once adorned your lips ceases to appear,
Shrinking my presence down to an air bubble,
It may not be your intention,
But the line has been drawn,
And I can only look from the other side,
Wondering.
There's no going back.

13

Did the Red Sea scream?
I wonder,
As her very being was split down the middle,
A being of magnitude and depth.
What right?
Had a man to demand such miracles?
Despite the cosmic relevance,
Despite all the good that came with,
Did she scream?
And swallow the split whole.

12

Why is it that some people,
Can easily bring me to tears?
Make me want to shout,
Let out all my frustrations,
Demand they look at me,
Never wanting them to leave.

11

There's a tear,
We can't go back,
It rips and rips and rips,
To draw near is to acknowledge the distance.
But I can't stand where I am,
One day I'll make confetti from these shreds,
One day.

10

A wish I wish was a conversation starter,
But I know it won't be.
You wish,
I wish,
It ends.
That's all there is to it.

9

16 days
Not much time has passed,
And yet it has.

8

"Merry Christmas"
"Merry Christm"
"Merry C"
"Mer"
" "

7

I don't know how to act,
Do I lie?
Do I be casual?
Do I sound chirpy or curt,
What do I want to convey?
I don't want you to care,
But I don't want this friendship to dissipate,
I'm being stubborn,
And selfish,
And childish.
Give me the right words.

6

And sometimes I don't want to be the calmer person,
I wait,
And I fret,
And I prepare to let go,
And I'm fine,
And then you come,
And I'm not fine,
And I can't let go,
And I fret,
And I wait,
To repeat it all again.
I think maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore,
Maybe this is all too much,
For me,
For you,
That this isn't worth all the pent up frustration and anxiety,
Just for you to come and unplug it each time,
I'd be lying if I said you don't hurt me,
I wish I felt nothing for you at all,
But still I hold on to that safe memory,
Of what we were,
Only that feeling remains,
There is no future,
There is no us,
I do not yearn for those any longer,
Of that I am sure.
But you've taken important things from me,
Friends,
The joy of closeness.
You've created for me the thing I fear most,
The abandonment of those I trust,
And I no longer know how to build walls against what is inside.
So I scrape,
And pretend,
And hurt myself,
All so I won't feel.
I want to learn to be a stranger,
To your presence,
Untouched,
Unfeeling,
Unscathed.

5

Maybe if I shut my eyes,
Cover them,
Block out all the noise,
Maybe the silence will claim me,
And the sea would be quiet,
Leading me home.

4

We shut our eyes,
Because just for a moment,
Everything else disappears,
Instead of us.

3

Maybe one day I'll learn,
To stop and never yearn.

2

Kinda makes me sad to think that some things naturally float away, like boats untethered on the sea.
There's no good or bad,
It's just sad.

1

A recurring feeling,
The same barrier all those years ago,
The same audience and stage divide,
Some things are not meant to stay,
All threads unwind
And fray
And detach.
This would've killed me,
The slow asphyxiation
The gradual decline.
But I won't let it,
Not again,
I won't let you touch me anymore.