It Is Hard.

Sarah Lois you were so right, it is hard. You'd probably slap me if you saw what i'm doing but heck you understand what it feels like right? And i couldn't last a week either hahahahaha such weak suckers we are eh? I feel rather disappointed in myself, so much for thinking all i had to do was pretend i couldn't see. Truth is there is no such thing as pretending, there is not such thing as not seeing, everything is just there. It just depends on how we want to take it in. Sigh...here i go being a total brat again....

What Am I Doing?

You'll be one of the few things that can make me wince.
Still are one of the things that can make me sink when i'm about to float. 
I still try to find the signs... 
but who am i kidding? 
I should really make my own sign, 
"  EXIT"
I'm still trying.. still trying.

But tell me,
How do i write that sign?
When in my heart,
All I want to do is ask you if you're alright,
Always..always.
But i won't ask you,
No, never again.
I've given up,
I can't bring myself to try anymore.

Because it doesn't matter,
After all,
You wouldn't do the same.
Would you now?


What am i doing?
I don't understand once more.

Ringing Phone Of Mine.

It's funny how my heart kinda aches each time i hear my phone ring now. Be it an sms or a phone call.

I miss how it all was, where my days were filled with you, every waking moment spent talking to you, hanging out with you, trying to wake you up when it was hopeless, making dirty jokes from everything, exchanging stupid grins from inside jokes, crazy car rides, that fuzzy feeling i got from when you hugged me and mostly the long late night calls that never led anywhere.

I wonder where'd that all go to? Guess it was a waste of my time after all. It was all for nothing in the end. Chasing a lie. Silently i still wish you would care even just a little. But then i tell myself, hey, i'm gonna look for someone who can make me dance to He Is We's - Everything you do. Someone who'll love me too. That thought makes it all alright. =)

He Is We - Everything You Do

When you touch me, it’s like the very first time.
I’m so lucky, to say that you’re mine.
I still get those stupid butterflies,
but it’s just what you do.
I’m loving everything you do.

=)

Special Thanks to Sheryl Lynn Chan for providing me with He Is We music. It's helped lift up my mood a whole lot. =)

Forgetting.

Yay! Everything is so damn red and pink!!!! yes that way sarcastic. I just thought i'd make a change to the blow and hopefully you know... the topics would change to more interesting stuff that you people can relate to...then again...meh! i think i'll keep it all like this MUHA!



I just realized, i wanted to say how many days have i been off my own brand of "crack", but i didn't jot the days down! Such an improvement! Now that i don't keep track i don't miss it so much, i mean sure i have a lot of problems stopping my memories from flowing out no matter where i look but even that's been reduce. Thank god!!!

Everything seems to moving on just fine,
Now it all depends on how i handle the situation when it presents itself.

Let's hope my brain works harder than my heart on this one.

Dare Me To Move.

Yes i know i stole that song title from Switchfoot. =D But anyway i've decided it's time. Well sorta, itty bitty steps is what i'll call it. I can't wipe out memories, but i sure as hell can remove things from sight now and that's exactly what i'm gonna do. Hopefully after my birthday i can breathe.

P.S - I am so stuck on He Is We songs! Awesomely depressing music made light =D It has helped me =)

Forgetting Peter Pan.

Despite what i must do and what i know.
I still wait...
But i guess as always i'll be the first to go.
Soon, with hope,
I won't see you anymore.
I guess,
I want goodbye.

^^^

But Peter,
what do i do if i wanna go away?
What do i do to forget?
Say goodbye?

In Love With Ghosts.

Memories of you still play in my head,
Memories of me with you still surround my thoughts.
I fell in love with that you,
I let myself love that familiar comfort-ability.
But memories & familiarity are but ghosts living in my mind.
I know now,
I'm in love with the untouchable.
I'm in love with ghosts.

It aches just a little nitty ditty but i think i'm ok now. I guess all i needed was to say out and admit what i am and was so afraid about. And that silence. I needed it to think, to see with a little more focus, to see past that barricade that was you.

What can change now that the pieces of the present has been set down? 2 choices of the future presented itself. Stay with eyes wide open or close my eyes and move on. A friend told me that once you make a choice, you stick with it till the end, don't ever look back and ponder the what if's. But i was always the kind of girl who waited for "Fate" to set down the rules. Let "Fate" be the one to pull things apart. That way i'll shoulder no blame, i would be able to say with a clear mind that it was not that i didn't try, but i ran out of time. "Fate" stepped in.

But if it's "Fate" i have to wait for, i think i'll go insane. So i think i've found it in me to loosen my grip on that forever bolted door handle. I'll still wait for "Fate" to come, but before that i have to stop myself from hoping, from trying. And i think i have, even just a nitty bitty. Perhaps i've worked it out in my head that i was in love with how comfortable i was with you, now that that's gone, i was merely in love with the memories of how i felt with you. I was loving a ghost. Memories of what was once but no more.

I guess i can sorta budge from where i stood, in front of that locked door that was a bridge to you. I tried to be a locksmith and kept trying to make that door open, but it was not for me. Funny i'm thinking now why i held on so long. Makes me laugh each time.

I see now, ever more clearly,

"Everything that happens, happens for a reason. I still can't see that reason yet but i'm sure one day when i look back, i'll see it clearly and smile while saying i'm glad that path didn't open up for me."

A Dream, A Meaning?

I had a strange dream, well i've been having them just that this one was a little different. I was traveling home with 2 friends, a guy and a girl, one was susu i believe the guy...well... i'm just gonna keep that on a hush hush mode for now cause i don't know why i'm dreaming about him =D Anyway we traveled around and around and so many things happened but i can't seem to remember them now, but one thing stayed burnt in the back of my mind,

It was during the night, in a crowded place, i can't tell where. The place was lit up with vibrant lights and i was laughing...i don't remember why either, all i know is that i was happy with susu and the guy. Then, in the crowd appeared a face i recognized, a face i would never let go off no matter where i go, a face un-mistaken, never, because no matter what, i always search for that face. You were as you always were, with a guitar slung on your back, with that look on your face, funnily attractive fashion sense, with 2 friends i have never seen before by your side.

My heart races. In all excitement, I begin to run towards you, and ask you how're you. But you... just waved me off... you looked drunk. I tried to reach out once more, but again with an irritated face you pushed me away. Walking off now with your friends, leaving me in the crowd. Never looking back. And now i don't try to catch up to you as i normally would, i just stand there. Stuck with pain, all feelings have left my legs. My heart wrenches... i just crouch down and cry.

And i'm soon catapulted into a whole new scenario. Water...I'm lying down in a pool of water, maybe those are my tears, i don't know and the guy i was with pulled me up...and i wake up.

Waking up, the first thought was not of the pain. But instead i was worried for you, how stupid of me, i know. I reached for my phone, but i decided... no, i can't keep doing this. So i never did make myself talk to you. Cause after all, you wouldn't do the same for me now would you? Maybe my dream means something, maybe it's telling me that i should stop waiting for someone who doesn't even bother looking my way. I know that yet still...

I still think of you when i wake and before i sleep,
I even dream about you,
Gosh, what can i do to make thoughts of you leave me?
They say it's love when all you do is think about a person,
Well it's not love if only one person's doing it.
It's stupidity.
And yes,
I am stupid,
Stupid for still liking you.

February
Where are you?

White Horse.

Falling in love with the lyrics,
I think i wanna make my own version of this song,
But i need to learn how to play the guitar....
I wanna learn...
Damn yew Taylor Swift....


Say you're sorry, That face of an angel comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time 'Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know that to be in love, you had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, well now I know

That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted, but I'm so sorry

'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rear view mirror disappearing now
And it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late to catch me now

ZOMG!

I just realized... looking back at my blog, only people who know whats going on in my life would actually know what the freaking hell i was talking about. Worse still, it's all almost about the same things, i posted up my freaking diary right here! Not that i have a diary but you get what i mean. And no i'm not gonna stop being selfish and not talk about what bothers me half of the time TEEHEE BECAUSE I CAN!

But yeah, anyway back to me, not that the topic ever left, i just freaked myself out. Well today i hung out with Dickson as usual and went totally bonkers with him and Emily during our choir practice by changing lyrics into lewd words, changing the tune of the song, pretending to be god.... yes we sorta did hahahaha. Ok so that was a quick summary of the day, but the gist of my post here is Brain Privacy. I can't give up details on what? who? why? where? how? and all but it goes along the lines of reading people like an open book.

Ever wondered what goes on in someone else's head? What if you could know most of the thoughts traveling around you? Cool? I say no! It's utterly freaky! I mean i can't read minds but you know how some stuff should just stay in one person's mind? yeah that sort of creepy. Anyhoo... is there a possibility that if you thought you knew what was in another person's head, you would act differently? Well yeah! you kinda would! My point being.... what if it's not real? Wouldn't that be like getting all your hopes up ready just to tear them down in the next second?
Sigh.... i can't explain it, more of i can't say this out.

To know what lies in the mind of others,
To believe you know what is hidden,
Especially when it involves emotions,
And you think you know it all,
The thought of it is promising,
But what if it's not real?
What then?
I've gotta get a grip.

Confused.

You confuse me.
What is it that you want?
You come to me at the weirdest of times,
And you never fail to spark a light in me.
But what good is that spark when it's not enough to light up the surrounding darkness?
Are you trying to mock me by throwing small embers of hope at my face?
Or is it that i hold onto each thought too dearly?

Yeah.... it's probably just insane me.

What means nothing to you is precious to me.
It's not fair,
But then again the worlds not fair.
So i'll suck it up and continue smiling,
Cause what's unfair to me is fair to you,
So you deserve what fairness i can muster.

After all,
This all ends in February will it not?
So i just have to hang on till then.
Ah, there you go again,
Hello =)

Being Comfortable.

This one goes out to Helen & Sarah,
You guys helped me understand some things and helped me come up with this,
Two people who i absolutely can be myself with,
Two people who knows me like an open book,
Two people who i appreciate knowing and glad to call my friends,
You make me comfortable when i'm around you guys,
And i like you guys for that (insults included =) )
Thank you & I love you pigs.

I've read in a book that,

"the feeling of liking someone is when you can't say what you like in the person, but you know that spending time with the person is all you want."

That got me thinking, is being comfortable all that we're looking for? It's a nice feeling to be with people whereby you have nothing to hide from, where you can be your natural self, where you know that person knows you for you and will accept whatever follows. That's how the simple true friendship starts as well i believe. With truth. I'm not a great supporter of the truth, i mean, i don't believe that there's much out there. Everything has 2 sides, nothing is just as it is. But even so, i can't help but let myself foolishly hope that with my honesty at least it would be returned. Maybe i'm asking for too much?

Being comfortable. Yeah, i guess that would explain me most of the time. If i'm comfortable with you, i'll like you. Whether it's just for friendship or more. For me, it works out all the same. But if all it takes for me to like you is to just get me comfortable when i'm around you, that's just way too easy isn't it? Well, my answer to that is, the best things in life should be simple. I'll be honest and say i'm not always comfortable around a lot of people, don't bother asking, i'll deny it. Cause that's my problem not anyone else's. But if i am comfortable, i'll try to keep that for as long as possible, cause for me, being comfortable is something hard to come by.

But something haunts me. What happens when that place that was so comfortable before turns cold? It's a strange feeling, it wrenches in your gut to be there with someone you once knew so well and not know what to do. Worse still are the things that playback in your head. Thoughts on how easy it once was, how smiles were all real, how you could just sink without a care in the world and be you. So many things you wish you could say, but nothing forms a proper sentence anymore. It's not that old conversations can't be relived, but there is an emptiness to it. And awkwardness begins to thicken, and you begin to avoid, you begin to pretend to not care, you look away. Not you, I. And in the end, there will be nothing, nothing but 2 strangers sitting together. With no words uttered, no gazes exchanged, neither presence desired.
Nothing, Empty, Awkward & Pain.

Emotions jeopardize being comfortable. I wish i had none, but that defies any purpose of wanting to be comfortable then. In the end, i believe all solid relationships are built when you have no expectation from the other. Build it upon truths, and no hopes. Is that even possible? I don't know. All i know is i want to forget that comfortable feeling i once had. Then i'll stop trying, stop hoping, stop wanting, stop liking, stop loving. As of now, i'm watching it fade, i don't want to see this.

Tonight, with tears, i pray once more for February.

I'd Rather 2 Smiles Exist With 1 Frown.

I don't need someone that'll protect me that way. Not at the price that it takes. I understand that you care, but this is my mess that i don't want you to meddle in. So what if i'm hurt? It's a choice i made, always has been, always will be. It's a part of life, just a wee roadblock, and yes it disturbs me and stays in my head where ever i go, but it's not someone else's responsibility to help me reduce that pain, it mustn't. I say this not for his sake, nor even for mine, but for hers. Let her have that happiness that i can't have, at least there i can find comfort in my demise. Because no matter how bitter it gets, i know somehow there are 2 smiles and only 1 frown. For that, it's worth the pain. So please... Just let it go and let it be. I can take care of myself.

After all, i can still will myself to smile can't i? =)

YAY PROCRASTINATION!!!

I finally finished work that has been overdue by 2 weeks!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! thank god i pulled myself together to finish it sigh... it was actually a piece of cake. What was i thinking? Anyway it's 5AM here meaning i only have 3 hours left to sleep then it's off for a long day with Talent Show practices till 7.30, though i think it'll end at 8PM. Still have a presentation due this Friday/ 2 days from now that's suppose to decide on my finals....shit i'm not doing enough...haiyo....well good night and good morning world =) Nothing's that impossible =D so smile.

Awaiting February.

February,

I yearn your arrival,

With you comes the end,

With you comes relief.

January,

I await your emptiness,

Bringing forth time to rethink,

Bringing forth space to open new doors.

December,

I welcome your finale,

Forcing the closure of one story,

Forcing the closure of my heart.

November,

I will embrace you with open arms,

Hoping for a shift in winds,

Hoping for something better than what's in my heart.

October,

I dwindle in you,

Finding the truth behind each face,

Finding my way through it all.

September,

I release you,

Just as i must let go,

August,July,June,May,April,March,February,January,December,November,October,September & August once more.

More than One Year,

All for nothing?

Nay,

I mustn't think so,

For too late the clock has written it's testaments.

If so,

I can but only pray,

February,

Steal me away from myself.

February Huh...?

Good news is i'm not tired anymore, apparently changing sleeping angles helped so thanks for the gazzilion-eth time Dickson for that brilliant idea. But somehow i wish i had that drowsy and dead feeling with me, would help me a whole lot in blocking out things that i don't wanna see. Maybe i'll switch it back just for now till after the Talent Show. I'm getting fed up pretty quickly nowadays, i mean i found it awesome that i could stay back more than usual, but now i wish i didn't have to at all.

I'm tired, not physically, but mentally, something in me is telling me that i don't wanna do this anymore, secrets and lies all of them, i can't tell them apart. Everything is fake, everything is made up, nothing is genuine anymore. What gives? And the restrictions GAH! It's gnawing my guts. The urge to find out more and to care but at the same time i don't want to for my own sake. Contradictions make me easily agitated. The only relief i can find are with people who don't know anything, people who aren't related to this all, only there can my mind be set apart from what's bothering me. For that i thank those other people in L.I.V.E. But not all of them, just those with a balanced amount of seriousness in them.

I can't bring myself to blend in with the crazies sometimes, sometimes i feel it's just too much fun. Everything is a joke, and noise! I can't seem to handle it anymore, it's loud and pointless and it's a waste of time. I search for talks now and not meaningless conversations that lead nowhere. Am i being too serious? I don't know, all i know is i'm a lil fed up with all this.

I can't sit or stand there spacing out, no i'm not skilled at hiding what i have inside, it's all just splashed all over my face, i become vacant, distracted, distant, silent, uncaring and other things. Then it becomes too worrying for those around me. I see them, those eyes. Filled with questions and worry. Strange thing is i'd rather you ask me if i'm ok rather than have you people staring at me and wondering inside of you if i am. I mean i'd probably lie but hey! ask will you? Geez... If you're not gonna ask don't keep giving me the "are you ok?' look. It freaking pisses me off! Those stares or looks you give burn holes in me. And somehow...it makes my heart ache, i don't know why.

So, i hide. Literally. Sitting upside down in a chair hurts like hell after you get up but heck it's much better than having to see those worried faces. Better yet, blood flows into my head and the pain in my back increases so much that i can't think. I can only but focus on the physical pain i put myself in. But i can't keep doing this. Need to find other ways to distract myself. Sigh....maybe i'll start a countdown timer to February. Maybe i'll have some sort of relief there.



February huh....?

February, Lead Me Away.

The "What am i?" question has returned,
I get so angry for asking this question,
Such an immature thing to do,
Yet, I ask it still.
Truth is, i have no right whatsoever to ask that question.

I mean why should i?
I never was important to you,
Not now, not then,
I only existed when you needed me to.
I was just something that was there to break your fall.
And i understand friends do that all the time for each other,
But not when emotions are involved.
And now it seems more and more apparent that...
Maybe the warnings were real.

I was and am but an emotional punching bag.
You come and go as you please,
And i'll just be there waiting and waiting for you to look my way.
But you never will,
Not in the way that i wish for.
I begin to wonder why do you even talk to me anymore.

At one point i thought i could stop communicating with you totally,
Then god decided to mind fuck me by having you talk to me.
Seriously?
I'm glad we're talking again and that awkward feeling has gone,
But now all the feelings of the past are becoming uncontrollable,
When i'm awake i don't know what's wrong,
When i'm asleep i dream of you and that says it all.

I don't blame you for anything,
Cause well, i'm the one who obviously has problems handling this.
But it drives me insane how i finally think maybe things can be normal again,
THINGS WILL NEVER BE NORMAL!
I know that....

But i keep hoping that you won't leave me hanging as you always have,
Keep hoping you'll notice me.
Keep hoping that you would have chosen me....
Keep hoping and hoping,
For things that will never be.

I want this all to stop.
I need it all to stop.
But i can't bring myself to let it stop.
I'm still looking for that car crash.
But the days drag on and nothing happens,
Just more pain accumulated.
Where is my breaking point?

If i can't make myself stop,
I can only but pray,
February, February,
Please....i once again beg of you,
Please be knocking on tomorrow's door.
Take me away from today,
And lead my heart away from him.

Tired and Wanting A Hug.

I'm really knocked out these days, I have no idea why i feel so tired. I've been getting enough sleep, i mean sure i sleep at 1am and all but i still get 6 hours of sleep and that's pretty good. Gosh...and the dreams i tell you they are just really prying me dry, last night i dreamt that i was dancing, not alone of course, it was as if somehow my dream brought me back to the night of prom. Sigh....not the best times of my life. It was a bittersweet dream, more bitter now i think.

I can't focus, i feel sleepy as hell, i just feel like getting out of where ever i am and just scream at the top of my lungs. Worse yet, i actually for the first time, want someone to hug me. I can't explain it, i just simply want someone who'll just hug me and let me say all the worst things about them and not let go. I want to be able to have someone i can break apart in front of without any consequences. Maybe...just maybe i'm about to bleed life hahahahahahaha explains the emotional breakdown right? But really, this is super bratty of me, but I want a hug, no, correction, i want that certain hug. The kind that'll make me break when it happens cause i won't on my own accord.

Please....February be swift. Sigh....

When Will i...?

God i feel like such an immature, whiny little brat.

I hate it.

I really hate this part of me.

When will i be able to not wince?

When will i find the will to loosen that knot in my throat?

When will i not feel a strain in my heart?

When will i grow numb to the feeling of getting kicked in the guts?

When will i learn to look away?

When will i produce a genuine smile once more?

When will i once again breathe in air without suffocating?

When will i stop writing about these things?

When will i learn to let go?

When will these emotions just freaking go away?

I don't want them.

They're tearing me apart...

God i wish February would come soon.

Because then and only then can i let it all stop.

For by then i will have only one thing to crash this car i'm in,

The divider we call life that separates us all.

Please, until then, give me what it takes to shut all emotions out.

I don't know how much i can take anymore,

If it's gonna be a roller coaster all the way till then,

Trust me,

Somewhere along that ride i'll lose something,

And perhaps i won't even know it.
So when will i...?

Fading Dreams.

What's the last thing I hear in my dreams?
Could I bring that out of my dreams and keep it as a memory?
Would it be changed to what I want?
Or is it still the same as it is?
As real as reality provides it?
Such a small fragment of my mind that's not even real,
Yet i hold onto it dearly.
Because no time can be turned back,
No lives can be relived,
No mistakes undone.
They say seeing someone in your dream,
Means they yearn for you.
But that's a lie for dreamers.
And as your voice,
Ever so little fades from my mind.
I can only stand here and let it happen.
It drives me insane knowing that one day it will seem like nothing had happened at all.
Was anything real at all?
One day i'll only see you in my dreams,
By then i wonder,
What of you will i remember?
Will it be an image of you?
Or your voice?