Japan shortened.

So I've been in Japan for 3 days now and it's been awesome, the food is just to die for and the view... Well let's just say its a male with raging hormones greatest dream. So man uberly short pants and skirts and exposed skin in the cold weather, and the shoes good god the shoes are beautiful! Will upload photos once I get back to Malaysia cause I'm blogging from my I pod right now and I'm getting a cramp in my right shoulder cause I'm typing all this under freaking heavy futon. So yeah that's it for now still haven't played with snow though.

On a side note : I realise that I really mean nothing to you, but its just not a good enough reason for me to let go of these feeling I have for you. What would it take for me to make you nothing to me?

Christmas.

It's Christmas,
It's one step closer to something new,
Will something new be waiting for me?
I hope so.
Out with the old and in with the new is what they say,
But it's not that easy.
Merry Christmas.
Even now my thoughts don't leave you,
I do hope you're happy.
=)

New

Heart feels heavy to leave, I'll miss christmas and new years eve. Though nothing would probably be done but the thought of being close enough would help me sleep better at night.... I hope. Stop it stop it, my heart and mind all always all over the place now, well mainly they're with you but well.... Oh god I'm insane hahahahaha well any guy reading this blog would know that I'm 135% curayzeh! I'm not proud of it but hey proves I'm still female right? Hahahahaha ah... Please let February come sooner. And let uni start faster so I can be with new people, and hopefully find someone new who'll like me back. I worry so that this feeling I have will never go. Gah! Go away stupid heart! You make me a horrible person!

Not Yet.

Not yet.
Not yet.
That sting still burns in my heart.
I feel pathetic.
But i'm just being honest,
I still like you.

Night Drives & Memories.

Late night drives.
Putrajaya roads.
Speeding Kancils.
Loud music.
Insane drivers.
Gutsy change of lanes.
I'm driving,
But my mind takes me back to when i was in "shotgun".
All these,
Memories,
Never fail to make me smile.
But everything is becoming more and more bittersweet.
And like i've said before,
it's still more bitter than sweet.
I still wonder,
What happened to those times?
I guess i'll never know.

Mistakes.

I hope i won't ever make the same mistakes again. Whether it was the mistake of doing something different to have you, or changing how much i let myself fall, either way i don't want this to happen again. I need to get a new community of friends and fast. It's the only way i can get my mind off what shouldn't be important.

A Tunnel In Ireland.

Longest abandoned railway station in Ireland.

An echo,
A repetition of a single sound,
Hollow, Empty,
Never a reply.
Who hears me?
Who cares enough to listen?
No one.
To whom am i calling out to?
Anyone?
Someone?
You.

I'm calling your name with all my might,
Making only more echoes.
Will my voice be the only sound heard?
In this tunnel,
In my heart.
Will i never hear you calling back to me?
Then again why would you?
You've never bothered looking at this tunnel.
Always here but never seen.
Tonight,
I am a tunnel in Ireland.
=)

Playing : The Weepies - I Was Made For Sunny Days

Some nights.

And then there are nights like this where things come jumbling back into my mind.

HGCJVGa JVJHBLBhabJhb! UNLOAD ALL THE CRAP!

I know now it's not a mask, but that's all there is to it. Brief familiar moments come and go but they never stay. I still believe i'm a fool after all this time. I've reverted back to the stage where "the moment you realize there's nothing to talk about when you're just with that person". Oh and it sucks balls. Is it possible that you can feel like an awful person when you're with someone? But if that is what it is, then i'm just not suppose to be around that person anymore now should i? But i still try i guess? Well at least he does. Gah! Quiet time is always horrible for me, too many things pop up. When really it's nothing. Women!

Alright?

?

Will everything be alright? I always ask this question, the answer never varies much. It's never alright but it's never all that bad either. I remember a question you asked me once, if you had been in the same situation as me what would i do? I answered.... well at least i think i said i wouldn't change a thing and still be the same. I guess i lied? I didn't mean to.... just that there are too many things i fear. Is it my fault? Well maybe but that's always been me. Guess i'll know soon enough again. Like someone once told me, don't think so much la! XD What's to come will come right? =)

My heart beats faster than it should,
"Harness my heart and be still now",
That's what the song said.
A mask.
Time to put it on again?
Or shall i go without it?
Would it be alright?

Fever.

WOKAY! So...... i've been getting increasingly creepy on how much i like a person. Yeah.... I BLAME IT ON THE FEVER!!!!!! XD But yeah for some reason being sick leaves me with too much time alone with my thoughts and that always spells trouble for females. Funny how one second i'm all in love with this guy and another i'm slapping my face going "WHAT CHU THINKING BITCH?" yeah... somewhere along those lines. But really i've been having these bipolar incidents a lot. maybe i'm bipolar? *gasp!* Okay, okay i admit i'm nuts. But really? Think hard and very justly, what woman isn't? =D Ngeh don't matter.

Sometimes i just wanna call him up and say i love you, sometimes i feel like kicking myself in the ass for liking him. End of the day it still falls down on the fact that i like you very very much. Nothing else to it. But he's taken and he's happy. And i'm..... well i'm still in the "moving on" phase. But it's all good. =)

The temperature's rising,
Your nose is stuck,|
A cough forms at each intake of breath.
I'm sick.
Love sick?
Now i'm just pushing it.
=D

Playing : Selena Gomez - Hit The Lights.

Maybe I'm Just Insane?

I find my thoughts floating back to you, why? Why? WHY? I don't mean to, but you're always there on my mind. Everything i see leads me back to you. It seems as though i still can't let go, I'm sorry. I didn't lie when i said i'm happy if you are, but i just wished that i'd be the one to make you happy, even when i know i can't. I'm too selfish. Too selfish. Maybe i'll wait, but for how long? And wouldn't that mean that i'm just waiting for you to fall? I don't want that. I don't know. I don't know what i'm saying. I always say that women are all crazy, well this is proof that i'm no exception. What i'd give to turn time back and say what i really felt at the start and did what i wanted to instead of holding my foolish pride. But what are the chances? Nothing stops, not now not ever.

I'm head over heels in love with you,
Or at least i think i am.
Maybe i'm just insane?
Insane would be an understatement.
I still wait,
I still hope,
One day,
You'll change your mind.
And that i'll be right here saying i told you so,
Play hard to get,
But still give you all my heart.
Foolish dreams for a foolish girl.
I am foolish.
I am insane.
I am in love.
In love with you.

Playing : James Blunt - I Really Want You.

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing.

"To leave". What does it mean "to leave" ? Is it to step foot into a new world? Is it to run away? Or is it a way to create space between all that is yours and yourself? It can be all of this, yet none of it. Reasons, reasons. Are they that important when it comes to leaving? Shouldn't what matter be whether you'll be staying or leaving?

I may be having a small trip. Not too far, but no where close. It's a place i love yet now i dread to go. Why? Why is it that i feel like holding back from having an experience not many will have? Again with the reasons! All i can come down to now is that, i don't want to leave because i'm afraid of what i might miss out here. I understand well that not leaving will be a loss of opportunity as well but i can't help it. The dread i feel in my heart, i haven't lost hope? Yes and no. Some part of me wants to believe things can change in a blink of an eye but another tells me that i just want to have as many memories as i can.

I feel torn. Truth is, if i stay, nothing will change. If i go, i may open my eyes to newer things. But that tiny spark of hope underlying in my heart. Curse it! But when i think about it, it's not like i'm leaving forever am i? It's just...

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing.

Tonight I wished,
Just a little bit,

For you to be here with me.

To hug me,

To be mine to kiss.

A fantasy i made that will never be fulfilled,

So i pray you enter my dreams,

To stay till morning shatters that world.

I don't wanna miss a thing,

I don't wanna miss you.

Yet,

Like a fool,

I wish on.

Slow.

Slow connection? WELL FU BROADBAND! yeah this internet thingy is so getting on my nerves.Ah well... Good night! =)

Temporary?

What lasts forever?
Words?
Strength?
Emotions?
Memories?
Nothing does.
Not to me at least.
Everything has an expiry date that we can't see stamped upon it.
Because it's invisible,
Because i forget it's there,
I have to keep my guards up and expectations low.
Even so,
I get swept off my feet oh so easily
Careful Jane,
Nothing lasts forever.

" If"

Occasionally,
It takes another to point out something you don't see.
Occasionally,
It takes another to instill hope back in your eyes.
Occasionally,
It takes another to give you the courage to do something.

But sometimes,
You don't want to see.
Sometimes
You don't want to hope.
Sometimes,
You don't want the courage.

Ultimately it just takes "ME" to make a change.
And "IF" is the challenge.
I'm getting there.
Despite the overflowing "What If's"
I'm getting there.
=)

Eagle Eye Cherry - Save Tonight ish awesome!

More Than 2?

Life's always about choices,
It's either this or that,
But really are there only 2 choices?
I wonder,
If you try to make a 3rd option,
Would it be worth it?
Or would you just simply get pushed back into the original 2 options?
Is it better?
Well who's to say?
Me?
I'm neither on the 1st path nor the 2nd,
Guess i'm making a 3rd path then.
=)

The Night That Replays.

Cygnus Loop

Blinding lights,
Loud echoing music,
Happy faces,
People dancing,
Each beat makes my soul shake,
Little by little,
I find myself tearing,
And that fake smile returns.

Those memories still come back to haunt me.
The scene,
All too familiar,
Still too vivid.
Still thinking i could have done something to change the past,
Still wondering what i did wrong,
Still regretting,
Still searching for the reason.
Still...
Still...

I tilt my head back,
Forcing my eyes to swallow those tears,
I close my eyes.
But no tears fall,
And i know for sure now,
I'll be alright.

K pop?

It's freaking 12AM and you have a test in 2 days time, what do you do? YOU WATCH K POP WITH YOUR BROTHER FOR ONE AND A HALF HOURS!!! Cause i'm just awesome like that =D
Till i come back with something more worth reading. Goodnight?

Oh OH on a side note i finally got me mom to give a thumbs up to a dude outfit for a party!!! AWEZOUUMMMEEEE!!!!! yeah! take that white shirt, vest, pants and converse F YEAH!!! only thing i can't get is a spiked up mohawk fish...

The yearnings returned but much controlled
*pats own head* i ish proud of meself. XD

Funny Events.

As i've said before, the turn out of events are indeed humorous. It's like a dream or more of a blast from the past but whatever it is, it is and will unmistakeably be the highlight of my day. It doesn't work the same way as it used to but it still trots along the same lines. Thinking about it makes me laugh each time, is this wrong? Well i guess there are times where for just those moments, you push reason and rationality aside and enjoy what's set out in front of you. Let the moment happen and although reality is just around the corner it's better to have enjoyed the moment than to have not had it at all. Let the thinking come later, as it always does. After all i did today just tell someone to not let an opportunity slip by, so why should i? Not opportunities for something more but just for the sake of memories. Tonight the world that i turned gray seemed to have been splashed with the old vibrant colors that make me feel new. And i am happy =)