After all thats happened

Perhaps it's these films about romance,
Mainly La La Land.
Creating the sudden awareness of being in love,
I forgot,
The giddy feeling when a person looks your way,
Being overly conscious with how close one is to you,
Lots of silent hoping,
Being flirted with,
It's being chased without having to worry they can't follow,
I've forgotten,
Forgotten the feeling,
Forgot.

Fight

Stupid child,
Silly child,
Selfish child.

I who treat people like toys to break and throw away at will,
I who build cities just to trample them,
I who push things too far,
Never knowing when to stop,
Never knowing when I've crossed a line and when I need to cross it,
I who can't work in greys,
Who's greys I can't solve.

Foolish child,
Heartless child,
Inconsiderate child.

I who disregards others feelings,
I who's curiosity leads only to self satisfaction,
I who let people get hurt time and time again,
Never stop taking,
Never gives in return,
I who expect so much,
Who's expectations I can't meet.

Ungrateful child,
Spiteful child,
Jealous child.

Deeper down we descend into my madness,
Until no one can hear me shout for help,
Until I'm buried and swallowed,
Until the darkness of who I am suffocates me as it pours down my mouth, tears through my throat and ravages my lungs.

Until hopeless child,
Anxious child,
Horrible child.

No more toys,
No more cities.
No more greys,
No more hurting,
No more, no more, NO MORE!

If all I know is to hurt, to break, to damage,
I think I'm better off alone.
No more.
No more.

Fight

In short I am asking you to love me, but if you can't, I won't let myself just stand here and wait anymore because I'd be lying if I said I haven't been for the past 2 years. I want to be happy, I'm simply going to wherever I think I can best find it.

Fight

I'm slowly figuring it out,
And my answer is...
I can't with you,
Not anymore,
Knowing that you reject me heart and soul has made me unconsciously make the same decision to reflect your manner,
Because I still don't know why people touch people they don't love.
Why do people seek to slither into the lives of those they don't care about?
Why make false shelters where you don't intend to stay?
Maybe it's just sex,
But it isn't that way,
Not for me.

I only want something real to touch me,
To have me react,
To draw my breathe out,
And plunge me into darkness.
If it's not real,
I don't want it.
I won't settle for less,
This world may be lonely,
But least I'm not lying to myself.

Fight

I think I need you to be my friend right now, nothing more. Don't touch me where I don't feel anything, don't make my bones grow cold, don't make me feel unseen. This flesh is not my anchor and what is me isn't grounded.

Fight

I'm still looking for something I don't know how to find, nor do I know what it looks like. So I give and I give and I give but nothing takes root and I don't know what to give anymore.

Don't say it's disappointing, I'm trying the best I can. I don't know how to do this, I'm so tired. I don't want to be left waiting all my life.

Tired

You make sense,
But my heart wants someone else.
I want you,
But only in bed.
You're great,
But you're not what I'm looking for.

I want to love,
But I don't know what it means anymore.
Maybe I'm not supposed to be happy.
Maybe I'm an example god makes to show others what alone is.

I'm not heartbroken,
I wasn't hurt,
I wasn't damaged.
I'm just a doll with nothing else inside,
Just a shell.
And God if that's all I am I wish I were dead instead.

Anxiety

Because now every pause is but silence and doubt
And doubt with its fear and uncertainties
Pumping blood till the body is numb
Till we scream
Will you tire of me too?
And this is how I've learned that letting people in also leaves the door open for them to walk out
I'm paralysed
Will you walk away too?

What is 2018 even?

In which my father sensed a stir in the calm waters,
Because some people are meant to live alone,
But also some refuse to change.
Because how long must I wait?
But when will I drop my guard?
I too await the day where watching people fall and struggle pains me,
I too wish to change.
But the world is at it is,
And I will not have it as it is.

Extra

I'm not depressed but,
Sometimes I wanna stop breathing.
There is emptiness in me,
That makes me wanna stop,
Just stop being,
Just disappear,
To cease,
To sleep and never awake.
But I swear I'm not depressed.
Because most days,
Even the dying light of the day gives me life,
And the smell of coffee can fuel my hours,
But why oh why do I wanna die?