February Huh...?

Good news is i'm not tired anymore, apparently changing sleeping angles helped so thanks for the gazzilion-eth time Dickson for that brilliant idea. But somehow i wish i had that drowsy and dead feeling with me, would help me a whole lot in blocking out things that i don't wanna see. Maybe i'll switch it back just for now till after the Talent Show. I'm getting fed up pretty quickly nowadays, i mean i found it awesome that i could stay back more than usual, but now i wish i didn't have to at all.

I'm tired, not physically, but mentally, something in me is telling me that i don't wanna do this anymore, secrets and lies all of them, i can't tell them apart. Everything is fake, everything is made up, nothing is genuine anymore. What gives? And the restrictions GAH! It's gnawing my guts. The urge to find out more and to care but at the same time i don't want to for my own sake. Contradictions make me easily agitated. The only relief i can find are with people who don't know anything, people who aren't related to this all, only there can my mind be set apart from what's bothering me. For that i thank those other people in L.I.V.E. But not all of them, just those with a balanced amount of seriousness in them.

I can't bring myself to blend in with the crazies sometimes, sometimes i feel it's just too much fun. Everything is a joke, and noise! I can't seem to handle it anymore, it's loud and pointless and it's a waste of time. I search for talks now and not meaningless conversations that lead nowhere. Am i being too serious? I don't know, all i know is i'm a lil fed up with all this.

I can't sit or stand there spacing out, no i'm not skilled at hiding what i have inside, it's all just splashed all over my face, i become vacant, distracted, distant, silent, uncaring and other things. Then it becomes too worrying for those around me. I see them, those eyes. Filled with questions and worry. Strange thing is i'd rather you ask me if i'm ok rather than have you people staring at me and wondering inside of you if i am. I mean i'd probably lie but hey! ask will you? Geez... If you're not gonna ask don't keep giving me the "are you ok?' look. It freaking pisses me off! Those stares or looks you give burn holes in me. And somehow...it makes my heart ache, i don't know why.

So, i hide. Literally. Sitting upside down in a chair hurts like hell after you get up but heck it's much better than having to see those worried faces. Better yet, blood flows into my head and the pain in my back increases so much that i can't think. I can only but focus on the physical pain i put myself in. But i can't keep doing this. Need to find other ways to distract myself. Sigh....maybe i'll start a countdown timer to February. Maybe i'll have some sort of relief there.



February huh....?